SURPRISE!!

 Just kidding, there's nothing to be surprised about..or maybe you want to be surprised about the fact that I'm still the same with like..or maybe not. Cos I am socially a bit more competent. Yay I guess?

So tonight I was thinking about self-hate. Figures, cause I gained weight and had acne breakouts. Wish it's a career breakout instead..Though those combined with irregular menses and hirsutim are signs of PCOS, but well I don't wanna go there yet.

Okay so I was thinking, I'm trying to improve. Trying to take care of myself. But am I doing this cos I hate myself or I love myself?

Cos I thought, well if I'm going to this length (skincare, bodycare,haircare) it must means I love myself. But again, why do i feel the need to change if I love myself?

And the answer is how I talk to myself during the process. Cos there's the self-love talking and there can also be self-hate talking. I have experienced both and trust me, you don't wanna go back to that pit.

Oh and forgive me for the sudden lore dump but I have referenced "the pit" too much for me to act like it's some small event.

It started after I left secondary school, you get the drill, new environments, new friends. But for me, it was more difficult socially. I had to learn my place in society and found out it's at the back. And I couldn't change in one night. What am I? A fairy? 

So the negative feelings accumulated and when I was 22 years old, it kinda reached the threshold. Cos at that time I was struggling with my studies and clinicals, plus the negative self image and my socially awkward self? bruh I was not doing well.

Even Naruto couldn't help me XD Cause watching anime and trying to be positive was the only way I was coping back then. 

Don't get me wrong, I did have good friends back then, but currently, most of the times actually I'm only reflecting internally. I try not to put the responsibility to make me feel better on people around me. But they do help a lot. They help to silence the voices for a while.

Okay so when did  I notice I was in the pit? I'm actually lucky to even notice ya know.

It was when I was on the way to class and passed by this random person on the way, and I accidentally walked too close to her, and when she passed by me I flinched cause I thought she would see my face and be repulsed by me.

And I was like, "Damn, Anis. You got to this level huh"

So afterwards, I kept on trying to not do that. Cause bruh, if I think another person would be repulsed by me then it means I'm already disgusted by myself and what did my poor self do to deserve that?

Not many things helped, I mostly coped by distractions anyway. And my psychiatry lecturer said distraction is not a good coping mechanism. And then finally I found Islam.

Don't get me wrong, I was already a Muslim, by default, bruh I even memorized 30juz of Quran. But that was when my frontal lobe didnt fully develop, so I wasn't taking full accountability of myself. And when I found it, I realized how far I was from it. from Islam.

Not saying that I was being a hardcore gejala sosial XD But a lot of things in my life, I did while I wasn't even remembering Allah. 

How did I find Islam? Oh I stumbled upon Ahmad Deedat's debate, they were discussing theology and debating, mostly about which religion is truly, evidence based, from God. From there I realized Allah is the one God and I was ready to submit.

There was a scary thing that happened though at that moment when I decided to change.. I had a dream, a nightmare actually. And I was taught that we should not tell our nightmare so I will keep it to myself. But for summary, someone was mad, and wanted to hurt me, but then I woke up. And that someone never visited me in my dream again. So I guess good riddance?

So yeah, before this I used to use anime as a language to talk to myself. Cause a thing about me, I absorb things like a sponge, not in an academic way, but interactions around me affect me greatly. So after I read the Quran and found a much better language to talk to myself, I don't really watch anime again after that. I think the last one I watched was Jujutsu Kaisen and after that, no anime was too interesting for me.

I actually forgot what I originally came to talk about--oh yeah it was self hate.

Conclusion is : The language in which you talk to yourself is very important. Not in the literal sense, but in a figurative sense, when I say language it doesn't mean Arabic or Malay or Englishh, but like the tone of it. What the end result of it. Is it in the tone of self-love or self-hate.

Thank you very much (less than 3)