SURPRISE!!

 Just kidding, there's nothing to be surprised about..or maybe you want to be surprised about the fact that I'm still the same with like..or maybe not. Cos I am socially a bit more competent. Yay I guess?

So tonight I was thinking about self-hate. Figures, cause I gained weight and had acne breakouts. Wish it's a career breakout instead..Though those combined with irregular menses and hirsutim are signs of PCOS, but well I don't wanna go there yet.

Okay so I was thinking, I'm trying to improve. Trying to take care of myself. But am I doing this cos I hate myself or I love myself?

Cos I thought, well if I'm going to this length (skincare, bodycare,haircare) it must means I love myself. But again, why do i feel the need to change if I love myself?

And the answer is how I talk to myself during the process. Cos there's the self-love talking and there can also be self-hate talking. I have experienced both and trust me, you don't wanna go back to that pit.

Oh and forgive me for the sudden lore dump but I have referenced "the pit" too much for me to act like it's some small event.

It started after I left secondary school, you get the drill, new environments, new friends. But for me, it was more difficult socially. I had to learn my place in society and found out it's at the back. And I couldn't change in one night. What am I? A fairy? 

So the negative feelings accumulated and when I was 22 years old, it kinda reached the threshold. Cos at that time I was struggling with my studies and clinicals, plus the negative self image and my socially awkward self? bruh I was not doing well.

Even Naruto couldn't help me XD Cause watching anime and trying to be positive was the only way I was coping back then. 

Don't get me wrong, I did have good friends back then, but currently, most of the times actually I'm only reflecting internally. I try not to put the responsibility to make me feel better on people around me. But they do help a lot. They help to silence the voices for a while.

Okay so when did  I notice I was in the pit? I'm actually lucky to even notice ya know.

It was when I was on the way to class and passed by this random person on the way, and I accidentally walked too close to her, and when she passed by me I flinched cause I thought she would see my face and be repulsed by me.

And I was like, "Damn, Anis. You got to this level huh"

So afterwards, I kept on trying to not do that. Cause bruh, if I think another person would be repulsed by me then it means I'm already disgusted by myself and what did my poor self do to deserve that?

Not many things helped, I mostly coped by distractions anyway. And my psychiatry lecturer said distraction is not a good coping mechanism. And then finally I found Islam.

Don't get me wrong, I was already a Muslim, by default, bruh I even memorized 30juz of Quran. But that was when my frontal lobe didnt fully develop, so I wasn't taking full accountability of myself. And when I found it, I realized how far I was from it. from Islam.

Not saying that I was being a hardcore gejala sosial XD But a lot of things in my life, I did while I wasn't even remembering Allah. 

How did I find Islam? Oh I stumbled upon Ahmad Deedat's debate, they were discussing theology and debating, mostly about which religion is truly, evidence based, from God. From there I realized Allah is the one God and I was ready to submit.

There was a scary thing that happened though at that moment when I decided to change.. I had a dream, a nightmare actually. And I was taught that we should not tell our nightmare so I will keep it to myself. But for summary, someone was mad, and wanted to hurt me, but then I woke up. And that someone never visited me in my dream again. So I guess good riddance?

So yeah, before this I used to use anime as a language to talk to myself. Cause a thing about me, I absorb things like a sponge, not in an academic way, but interactions around me affect me greatly. So after I read the Quran and found a much better language to talk to myself, I don't really watch anime again after that. I think the last one I watched was Jujutsu Kaisen and after that, no anime was too interesting for me.

I actually forgot what I originally came to talk about--oh yeah it was self hate.

Conclusion is : The language in which you talk to yourself is very important. Not in the literal sense, but in a figurative sense, when I say language it doesn't mean Arabic or Malay or Englishh, but like the tone of it. What the end result of it. Is it in the tone of self-love or self-hate.

Thank you very much (less than 3)

The year is ending..

So it's late December which means, time to recap~

January

On this month, it was the end of my ED posting and the start of my paediatric posting. ED was fun but to the end, it was a bit lonely, what with the floods and all. And also that End of Posting assessment I never want to mention again. All in all, ED wasn't really my cup of tea.

Then my paediatric posting was nice, finally felt like I knew what I was doing. Reviewing patients, deciding the managements, all done with only little help from MOs. My proudest era actually. I went to work without stress and came home just to rest. That posting was fun.

This month was also the start of my mom introducing people in hope of marriage to me. Talked for 2 weeks then poof, not a match. Well, more like he rejected me but that's okay, people are allowed to have opinions and reject you. It's a pity cause I kinda liked him (shh don't tell anyone) but oh well, Allah knows best.

February

This was just the continuation of the previous month. I think I'll skip the months till May..

May

The start of my journey as an anaesthesiology department MO. Didn't think it would suit me, just wanted to see what the job is like since I couldn't find a specific interest yet. But turns out I was quite good in it. Learnt quickly and things. 

But ended up disappointing my specialists. By the end of November, I was quite good at what I'm doing but didn't meet expectations. Got scolded a few times by my specialists cause of my clumsiness, forgetfulness, no common sense-ness, but it was a lesson.

Oh and this was the time, my oncalls, 4 times consecutively, I had to perform CPR on a patient. The first 3 died, and the other 1 survived. I mean, the other 1 was initiated in the ICU, all equipments, present, skills present, even an anaesthetist was there. She was so calm there being the team leader, I wish I could become like her some day.

But by the 4th time CPR I was also kinda calm, and knew what to do. The moment I saw the heart rate of 200, didn't need to see the rhythm, immediately asked for a cardiac monitor. It was me who intubated the patient, so I maintained the airway.(This sentence made me look as if im the hero, actually, quite the opposite, I was the cause of the event. Cause patient developed the cardiac event post intubation) 

After everything got anchored, I went and tried helping them securing the IV line but in the middle of it, patient collapsed, no pulse. Immediately commenced CPR, the anaesthetist was there for morning round, she entered the room and became the team leader. I set the timer and took care of the flow ( Thank God that was my 4th rodeo so I kinda remembered the flow already, if not I would have looked like an idiot in front of the anaesthetist, cos I'm telling you, I didn't study shits)

After 8 minutes, ROSC! Yay~ I was so happy. That day was my post call too, so passed over the, like 9 patients alone, cos my senior had to insert CVL to the patient that we just resuscitated. 

But one satisfaction for me though, that the round that day, though we just had a CPR for breakfast, was quite laid back. And by the end of the round, the senior asked the specialist, OUT OF NOWHERE, to rate me, like, whether I'm okay or not. (That was the exact words)

So the specialist, looked at me, literally up and down, and said "okay je kot"

Bro, that was like, the most malignant specialist. and they asked her to rate me?! Okay, enough said.

Then next day I was in charge of OT, but had no cases, so I went to see my MO in the block area with another specialist. A feared one lah, But I didn't have any intention of running cause I was already there. So I stood there, trying to help. And that specialist, unprompted, said "Anis dah okay, you can go and look around other OT, learn bit by bit"

I was like lah, an unprompted rating. But anyway I was glad, You think it's easy to make them say that?

Yep there's that, but also I told you that I disappointed my other two specialists that believed in me since day one I entered. That was too bad, of course, but there was nothing I could have done. I am disappointing, it's in my nature.

December. 

I officially started working in HOGUM as an anaesthesiology MO. And got prompted to take the Medex by multiple specialists. From Hospital Tanah Merah, to Hospital Kuala Krai, to Hospital Gua Musang. Everyone kept asking me to take the medex. So I guess Im taking it then. Got nothing to do anyway. Got lots actually.

Artificial Intelligence

 I am so frustrated lately cause in my Twitter feeds, it's full of people going against Ai art.

Okay, look. There's no doubt that a human made art is much better than Ai art. Of course. How can you compare a human's product to a robot's? Of course robots will lose. Robots are human made. While humans were made by God, The Creator.. I mean, yeah, we're gonna lose either way.

But I think it's wrong to go against Ai just cause you think Ai art is ugly. Or that it's taking people's jobs. Ai is an advancement in technology. Which you cannot stop.

Okay, if you want to defend artists; I'm sorry to pop your bubbles but Ai is not your enemy. It's their employers. Even before Ai existed, manga writers, game developers have been exploited to their bones, all because they do it out of their own interests. So they don't need much money to hold them to their desks. Their interests is the reason they're doing their jobs. So it's easy to exploit people like that.

Know your enemy.

I mean, your calculators are Ai for goodness sake, what kind of Ai are you fighting?

"You can say that, just wait until Ai take your job"

Okay, the reality is, Ai can't just simply take a human's job if their jobs are exceptional. If your art is good, people who knows it's value will seek it. So, don't worry, focus on ourselves. And learn to adapt.

Thank you.

Forever is a long time

 I used to say I had forever to forget about him. Who? My crush of course. Do you remember Sir Rockapebbly? 

Well, turns out forever is a long time.

I got to know a fair amount of guys but none of them could make me feel...happy? glad? I'm not sure what's the exact feeling. But Sir Rockapebbly, he effortlessly gave me that feeling. 

It's just a kind of excited feeling. 

Like finding something you lost. 

Like seeing someone you missed.

I don't know how to forget him. Maybe I don't like him anymore. But I still am curious. Or maybe I'm just too free.

It's not good when you start missing someone you shouldn't.

Oh and other updates? Well, I'm getting by. I finally have some time to explore my hobbies but I haven't done them yet. I still need more time to recuperate.

I hope I will get the time to myself. Some day. Some day.

I'm backkk

 It's nothing exciting really. I just feel like writing after a while. Life has been busy for some time but then it passed and now I'm left with little to nothing to do. So I resort to writing again. Originally I want to write stories but no scenes came to mind..

Wait, maybe I can just proceed with the story that was conjured up by my mind while I was sleeping..

I actually have a lot to do but you know me..

It was a weird request from my superior.

"Hey, Sora, are you free this Saturday?"

I was hesitating to answer as it was my day off. I dont wanna work on that day.

"yeah, somewhat. why?"

"Can you help me? My daughter actually. She's young and wanted to join a marathon but she's too shy to do it alone. We can't accompany her that day so can you help me and accompany her on that day?"

usually I would never agree but because this kind hearted superior has asked me so nicely, I feel like helping. I have nothing to do on that day anyway. Better keep myself busy or I'll be reminded of him again. Anything but him.

"Okay, i'll do it"

And so that's how I end up here, under this hot scorching sun, surrounded by people I dont know, searching for an unfamiliar face. I guess i'll just wait here. My superior said his daughter's name is sunny.

15 minutes passed by and this sunny hasnt appeared, The marathon is about to start. guess i'll just go and register our names first. 

So I walked up to the registration booth and the staff asked for our names, so I said " Sora and Sunny"

When I heard a male voice behind me saying " Sunny won't be coming, write my name instead, it's Sunjae"

And I whipped my head to see who it was, but who was I expecting, of course it's an unfamiliar face.I crooked my eyebrow, signaling my confusion at how this guy knew Sunny and the weirdest of all, how did he know me.

"I'm Sunny's brother Sunjae. sunny wont be coming today, she got cold feet,."

" oh, okay."

She understood. " so you're going to join the marathon?we dont have to do this if you dont want to,  Sunny was the reason I joined this after all."

" Let's just do it till the end. It's a waste of registration money."

Sunjae then left to run first, leaving her behind.

" we can just ask for a refund though." she said to quietly, knowing Sunjae wasnt listening to her already. She pursed her lips, resigning to fate and started running, although a bit lazily.

it was about 3 km and the path was getting a bit steeper. Sora felt like dying. 

'The uphill battle aint for me' she thought, She saw Sunjae;s back ahead of her, his movement quite steady. 

Your Life, Your Way

Growing up I always hear people say, follow your heart, not others. And growing up, I never truly understood what that meant.

In movies, they always show that people who follow their dreams are happy and people who don't aren't happy. I think they need to show something deeper than that. Wherever you are, following your dreams or others, you are always going to struggle. As long as you are living, hardships will always find their way to you. 

But the feel when you decide your life for yourself is different. It means you are taking responsibilities for yourself, and it will contribute to your growth as a person. At least, you won't be a person who's living from weekend to weekend. Because to decide your life for yourself, you need to have a goal. You need to pursue something. And to pursue something you need to have knowledge because otherwise you won't find something that is worthy enough to sacrifice your time and energy into.

So, it's all about taking responsibility for yourself. In Islam, it is highly encouraged to do so. Because you bear your own sins, and when you do good deeds, the rewards are also yours. It doesn't affect others. Listening to these speakers, like Nouman Ali Khan and Omar Suleiman, they always tell you to be hard in yourself and take responsibility for your own life. Don't just follow the flow. Have the courage to think and defy others, in a good way of course. When you listen to others, you must have your own knowledge prior to that, and don't just absorb things like a sponge but be like a filter.

This is a reminder to myself too, to better myself. Because I only recently had the capability to think, and bit by bit, recognizes where is the river and where is the land. Whether I'm just floating in the river or am I walking on land. And if you don't dare yourself to think, it is very easy to fall for the tricks of this world. In whatever aspects : study, friends, fashion, finance. 

Struggling.

 I just decided that I'm not good at making up stories. I put this unrealistic expectations on myself. For example, I have to be able to create a world, characters and story plots. And I have always been stressed because I have a constant writer's block. I cannot make progress with my stories and have always been mad at myself for not trying harder.

But what if that is not the kind of writer I'm meant to become. Though I haven't finished most of my stories, I have written something else. I have 2 completed diaries. I didn't document my life but I wrote things like my thoughts on occurrences that happened in my life. A detailed analysis of what was really going on inside my mind. And that is a skill not many people have.

Because I am so honest with myself. I say an emotion for what it really is. At least I worded it prettily so people can read it, instead of just pretending it was never there. Because to have an emotion is not a sin. An emotion is reaction to something, right? 

I have this whole blog as an evidence too. I am a writer, just not a fictional writer. Maybe if I start writing about stories of my life, I can make progress. Just one problem though, I think my life is not interesting enough? Then Anis, those stories that you never finished are also boring right? Cause you never finished them.

I wrote a lot. Maybe I'll read them again tonight and you know, sort out my feelings. I'm my biggest fan after all.