ayoooo it's raining so heavily right now.

I've got plans but of course I'm not going to write it here this is not my diary.

By the way, you guys seen Hosuh yet? He's so cute that guy, I love listening to him. Talk about anything Hosuh, I'll listen to you for hours

Reminder.

If one day I ever say "ah,it's so tiring being nice all the time. I want to change." Then this entry serves as a reminder that the 15 y/o me worked so hard to get to this point. Please don't change so easily. Being nice is everything you've ever wanted.

Not exactly being nice but being a character in a drama or in a movie that you admire. I always watch movies and read storybooks and I'll note the characteristics of the fictional characters that I admire and try hard to become like them. I came a long way. If you think now I have a bad personality then you wouldn't be able to look at my face 10 years ago because of the overwhelming hate.

I know, people usually work hard to achieve their dreams. Like some of the friends I met, they told me they wanted to become doctors since they were young and they study hard every day to be admitted to a medical school.

I'm also like that. I think my dream is to become a fictional character. Put aside the appearance because I can never look as good as the characters I admire but I at least want to have the same aura. It seems impossible right? I don't know,  people always tell "dare to dream" so now I'm dreaming of the impossible.

Maybe other people can have a nice personality easily. They don't even have to work for it, they're just naturally good. But for me it's not like that. Remember, each human is tested on different things.
I look at Itachi and think I want to be good to my siblings. I look at my friend and think, I want all my siblings to succeed in life. I look at Minato and think, I want to have a spouse like him. But wanting to be good to my parents sort of come from my own thinking because teachers in my school always emphasize the need to treat our parents well. Thanks teachers.

I have this ideal image of me and work hard towards it. So one day I can look at myself and say "I have become what I wanted. The pretty me that my 15 yo self dreamed of is standing right here."

So don't change so easily. You've planned your track carefully so stick to it.

Dream

I intended to write about my dream but figured out it wasn't really that interesting. It was just windy, indicating the start of a storm and the clouds. wow, you have to see it for yourself. The clouds were really dark and heavy and thick, and there were lightnings too threatening to kill me. It was not a comfortable place. Though the nature was being amazing it was also scary I could not think.

Your mistakes are in the past. Don't  let it determine what you are. Yes, you were lazy but now focus on your future. Be the person you've always wanted to be.

So what I learned earlier was there are 3 types of sabar that is :

1. Sabar ketika diuji
2. Sabar dalam berbuat baik
3. Sabar dalam menurut perintah Allah

not really sure about the third one. Sorry.

you know what? i actually dont give a damn about facts. Not that it isn't important.

Facts are very important and I appreciate the works that have been done by so many people just so that we can retrieve these facts. Facts are very important.

But it's not something that excites me.

I'm excited by the possibilities. "It's not a well-known fact yet but this thing could happen because of these reasons." I'm excited by that.

And I think from now on, I need to start writing a script for whenever I have to talk because I REALLY SUCK AT TALKING.

whether it's a presentation or just merely talking with another human. I need a script. Because when I need to talk, my brain just stops working.

hi

Helllo. This is a test.

I just wanted to test this new keyboard my father bought, It's pretty cool with the colors and everything. Cool.

And the mouse is also cool.

And the killing at 2 mosques in Christchurch, Newzealand? I don't know. I feel kinda mad and I also pity those muslims who got killed. But at least they died in a mosque. Tho it's not the best of husnul khotimah.

What message did he want to show by killing people in a mosque? In a sacred place? A place where one can just be himself and lets his guard down? A place where people gather while doing that?

I'll see what they will do to him. I don't really hope for the laws to punish him because The Almighty is the one with the best punishment.

All is me fault.

Where do I turn to in times like this? A time when I feel like flipping everything in my room upside down?
Here. Where no one comes. Where no one can see me.

In movies they say it's not good to keep everything inside. Because some day, you might just explode from the tremendous pressure.

But what can I do? Where else do I go? I feel like I don't have anyone on my side.

Sure, my parents are more than ready to listen to my problems. But if I tell them, I will just worry them. They will think that this daughter doesn't know how to do even the smallest of tasks and only knows how to whine and sit around, wasting her life away.

Yes, it was my fault that I waited till the last minute to do everything. It's all my fault.

But just once, just once, I want someone to be on my side. And tell me that it's not my fault. That I did my best in my own way.

Until when do I have to keep comforting myself? My throat hurts so much too. I have to deal with other humans too. I also have to deal with my own shortcomings. There's so much to deal with.

I guess that's how you grow up, huh?

But we all know, this post is just me escaping my own incompetence. This post is just me pitying myself. And that I have no real problem other than me being lazy. All is me fault