Validation.

What is my status currently? Do I still seek for external validation? Yes. It is not easy to recover from it.

I know. I know our self-worth isn't determined by how other people see us. That's why I'm still doing this useless art projects. Because if I carry myself according to other's preferences, I will become a tiktoker now.

Where am I going with this...Well if I have to say, I'm not going anywhere. It's just a hobby. It would be great if it helps me become a more likeable person. But I'm not going anywhere. It's just for self-satisfaction. (I intend to develop an indie game though. I don't know when will that be realized.)

One thing I forgot, I'm not one to follow trends. I just like what I like, whenever I feel like it. After all, isn't that the reason we have entertainment? Why do we have to follow other people in liking something?

And one more I want to criticize. STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO. 

From every era of my life, there will be one people who felt the need to teach me how to use social media platforms. Well, given the way I worded that you must be thinking "It's good la someone teaches you. If me no one taught me at all."  Brother, that's not the point here.

If I just started using internet today then it's okay if they want to teach me. But I'm a full-fledged adult who has been using internet since before I even knew how to crush on someone. Heck I bet I can use internet better than them.

Let me give you some context. One time when I first started using filmora and edited videos about my muse that was Taishi, I wanted to post them where someone can see how great is this guy. How funny is his character in that drama is. I wanted to connect with someone. So I posted my video on instagram.

And this girl dare told me to go back to twitter? Why? Why do you want me to go back to that place where everyone abandons me? Twitter is like the most realistic portrayal of the the real life. You care about issues that seems far away from you but when your own friend who you know in flesh is asking for help, you turn a blind eye to it. You're too good for your friend is it?

And she wants me to go back to that horrible place? She might as well tell me to die, it bears no difference!

And another girl asks me why I keep sharing videos from reels on my ig story. She said I should use tiktok. Tiktok? That place doesn't allow me to share my thoughts. Yes, I know you're famous on tiktok and people from all over the world probably watch your videos on a daily basis but I'm not? Make it make sense.

I'm sharing relatable videos, in my PRIVATE instagram account with the people I know. Because I don't allow strangers to follow me. Not even business accounts. Except for those "learn japanese" account cos they wanted to follow me to gain more followers but they're not there to judge.

What's the problem with that? What's the problem if the videos from reels are fake and tiktoks are more original? 

Because I'm an intelligent creature, I followed her advice and watched tiktok more frequently and yes it's true. There are a lot of interesting videos on tiktok but I don't see how it makes the videos from reels fake. And now when I'm bored I have 2 things to watch that is tiktok and reels. Thank you.

These two girls aren't bad people. You don't have to picture them as villains. They are just humans...that seems to cross path with me at just the wrong time. I'm sure they are very loved by the people around them. Their personality that annoyed me probably is loved by other people. Just not me.

But what if they read this entry?

Well, at least they know that I was annoyed with them at some point?

Multimedia works

 I don't know where to start but I want to tell you that I'm currently feeling very motivated to finish a lot of things that I started. Just because recently I gained some self confidence from a few successfully accomplished task. Maybe it's because it's been a long time since I started this digital art thing but I seem to be getting good at it. 

I think it's around June last year? I told you that it all started with Taishi right? That ikemen was my muse at the time. But now I even unfollowed his instagram. I'm just not that interested with him anymore. It was good while it lasted. And now even with this Ryusei Yokohama fellow...it's just a matter of time.

That's why I appreciate an existence like Taemin. I may not pay as much attention to him as I did when I first started liking him (becoming his fan) but I know that the feeling I have for him (as a fan) still hasn't changed. I still look at him with the same affection.

Okay back to my history with photoshop. I don't really remember but I surely started during the first PKP. Because I had nothing to do at home so I thought it was a good chance to learn about photoshop. It was the best decision I have made. Though until now, I still heavily rely on tutorials from youtube, it made me see some worth in myself.

This multimedia skill is easy, the way I see it la. You don't need talents. You just need hard work. 

Well then, I guess it's the same as every other skills on earth then. hahah.

I just happened to be interested in something most other people are not interested in. And this multimedia work isn't really popular however it is really needed to attract people. Funny how they leave the work of attracting other humans in the hands of people with next to zero social skills. Like myself.

An entry can't be too long because the future me will be bored and not want to read anymore. 

Selfish

Currently I'm thinking about friends. Maybe it's true that we will never have a good friend in our life. It is very difficult because after all every human has their own weakness. Everyone has their own problem to worry about.

Maybe I'm not hoping for much. I just want a friend who won't make me feel alone. I'm still searching for that person who, if I want to do something, I don't have to hesitate to ask for her help. Like, even if I killed someone, I can still call her and ask for her help to hide the body. That kind of friend. Maybe that is impossible.

"Because...for the first time in my life, I feel like I won't have to do things alone." 

Maybe that's the only thing that I want.

My emotions are too raw currently so I cannot think of anything to write. I'm afraid if I keep on writing then I'll end up writing things I'll regret.

Originally I wanted to tell about the time I felt so alone and low that I felt like dying. But even telling that story sounds like I'm bragging so hahah I won't.

You know what is my weakness? A story where the partner died. Especially a male character. A guy that is very sweet and kind to his beloved but he had to die young. That is my weakness. You give that story to me I'll cry like it was me myself who lost a lover.

Thinking day today.

You know, sometimes I blow up on social media with my thoughts and opinions that somehow always go against others. And do you want to know why that happens?

It's because I have no one to talk to. That may sound sad but I chose that way. I cannot handle the thought of opening up to other people. Or in my dictionary, opening up means being vulnerable. Weak.

Which is why I write a diary. In this case, I have this blog which acts like my diary.

But I can write things for EVERYONE to see? Well, talking and writing is different in the first place.

If I were to describe myself then...I'll say I have no voice? Yes, realistically I have voice, I can talk. But compared to other people, I'm more silent than not.

I tried telling my father how I think I have problem in expressing myself and he said that maybe it's just me thinking that? That other people understood what I wanted to say. Well, that may be the circumstance. That the problems I think I have just exists in my head. 

Do you know that I quit twitter? Yes, the most famous social media among people my age? Why? Because it's toxic. No, no one patronized me in there. No one sent death threats to me in there. 

It is toxic in the way it is unbearably silent. I rambled on and on about things and no one interacted with my tweets. During trying times I even expressed my wish to pass away but no one cared. Ah, but there are times when they care. It's when I'm mad. When they sense a fight might happen.

See how it's toxic. People are out for blood these days. 

It's fine if I'm only at the receiving end of this apathy. But when I try to reply to their tweets, when I try to show that I care. That whatever they say are heard and they are seen but suddenly, I'm the weird one? For caring? Bro if you don't want to be seen then don't go on social media? Go write in your diary where no one can see.

I go on social media where my friends can see me is because I want to be seen. I want to be heard. I want to interact with people. To know what they think of my opinion. (Though sometimes we mostly just fight) To overall create a good atmosphere in our relationship. But I guess I'm too naive.

Well, now that I quit, there's no more hope for that. It's like that line in that kdrama. "It's not school that I gave up. I gave up you!" but in my case "It's not twitter that I gave up, but my 3 mutuals!"

A story of a girl not being able to focus.

It has been 2 days. 2 days of me studying and preparing before class or every clinic session. And I've been feeling better . Like, this is the best I've felt in this semester? Everything is falling in place for me and it's been good.

Actually I felt like shit. My self-esteem was at its lowest just a few days ago. Until I sat down, I talked to myself and we were just being real. We talked and recognized the problem. And we decided that the problem is I haven't been studying. So that's why I could not answer doctor's questions and just felt stupid during class.

And by studying is really reading and understanding. Not just memorizing. I cannot memorize things you know that. I understand and remember. 

Besides, the feeling of knowing things. The feeling of being able to visualize a procedure and able to explain it to other people later on just makes me feel good? 

And it wasn't even that difficult studying. You just have to stay focused. And now another problem arises, I have to identify the factor that made me not able to focus all this time. You and I both know, something happened, something is abnormal and I need to find it. Or the same thing will recur and I'm telling you I never want to go into that darkness again.

If I am to describe what I've been feeling... I don't know if that's what depressed people feel and I'm not diagnosing myself with depression.

But it was so dark. I saw no way out. My self-criticism just chases each other. Like in this space inside my mind, it's just me and my self-criticism. Everything I do is wrong. I would cry when I feel inferior to people. And I always feel inferior to others. So after coming back from school, I would lie facing the wall and cry quietly. It is worse when I'm making a video or thinking of new ideas because to come up with an idea, you need to believe in yourself. So that affected my work.

Now I'm not saying that after this I'm gonna achieve success and be at the top. No. I just want to feel the same as other people. I don't want people to look at me and think "This kid is gonna fail."

Anyway, I'm not fully recovered. I'm still doubting myself and my decision but it's only gonna get better from now on. I promise myself. I won't disappoint you. And sorry for making you think you're stupid.

Thus, ends the story of someone who was not able to focus on her study for whatever reason. See you next time where we will be discussing about her distractions.

Timeless?

I think I really like psychiatry. Is it because it's easy? I still can't find the answer whether I'm just running away from more difficult things or that I think psychiatry is easy because I like it.

I mean, it is very interesting.

Imagine, all of the world mysteries. ALL OF IT. What if all of it is just because someone's brain had chemical imbalance and it resulted in hallucinations?

Right now, my view of the world and the whole fiction industries is changing. Some of the character's plot also sounds like symptoms to me. Believing you have some mission to do? Or that you are an alien? Or  someone is out to get you? That is delusion. And it can be treated.

Okay so this might come to "then, are ghosts real?"

So as a Muslim, we need to believe in Alam Ghaib. We need to believe that a world we cannot see and feel exists. I still believe in that. But are ghosts included in that Alam Ghaib? jeng jeng jeng.

And one more thing I'm interested in is horror games. mannn that is a mental illness on a whole other level. Like the best way to understand what is going through someone's mentally ill mind is through horror games. Examples are "In the Dead of The Night" about someone who has dissociative disorder. Bruh the game even included predisposing factor in which the guy was abused by his father until he was 2 years old when he witnessed his mother killing his father. That trauma gave an impact to his fragile mind.

But of course, I don't play the games. Especially horror. I wouldn't have been able to move from the starting point and end up dying just like that.

What I think about mentally ill people is, they lack support. Normally, we have friends and a supportive family. But in these people, they don't have that. So when they are faced with problems, they are left to handle it alone. So the brain had to make up an extra support. It can come in the form of delusions or hallucinations. That's what I think. Mind you I'm a weak student and I never studied so don't easily trust my opinion. If you still want to then up to you lah.

So, when these people seek for treatment, they're trying to find that lost support. 

There is also that case of family history. These are the people that I pity the most. Like, because of your parents or grandparents' unresolved problem, you had to carry it with you when you didn't even ask for it. Sometimes, they might even force their ideas on you. 

What I can say is, let's work hard in overcoming it okay? We cannot let ourselves stay in such a deep shit for too long. No matter if it hurts, our goal should be to get out of it.

I wish the world can become more lenient on the mentally ill people. And I can see that we, the world, is working towards it. We are working to be a better place for everyone. I haven't lost trust. 

Wahhh so idealistic some people might even puke reading this. hahaahha.

It's fine.

 It has been so long since I last updated. Heheh. I've been busy trying to figure myself out. What is my hobby, what do I need to do in order to survive..

Along the way I found a lot of calming music and new hobbies. So it wasn't a bad period.

Quarantine almost ended and it's time for me to return to school. That's lame. I prefer staying home.

So I'm thinking, what if I write something that is timeless. Like a thought that can be valid no matter when you read it. Maybe I can write like I already used to. You know I have an offline diary too and I wrote a lot of things in there. Just, after my fav diary is used up, I write less. Which is a shame.

Anyway, I don't know what kind of situation that is waiting for me at school. I'm actually afraid of things that are moving too fast. Because I'm a slow thinker so if things are too fast, I end up panicking. That sucks.

Oh, and I made some animation too during this quarantine. Quite proud of how they turned out. Sadly, my followers on instagram won't watch it no matter how much I promoted it. Quite disheartening. My new hobby just keep on giving me pain when I show it to others. Now I'm used to it. And I cannot stop doing it because, yes people's reactions make me feel suicidal but I feel like I'm being saved again when I work on something. The part where I just keep on using my brain to produce something. That feels great. And how I achieved my goal in the end. It's just the best.

People may not acknowledge my hard work. Maybe I'm the stupid one for working so hard. But I've decided that I want to keep doing this. Writing, drawing. At the core, it's just materializing my thoughts. But I guess that is my dream.

I think the part where I want people to acknowledge me, I think it's just my greed at work. It's not like they didn't say anything. But this greed wants more. It feels like no amount of compliment is enough to pay for how hard I worked. 

So that's why I won't ask for more. I'll keep on hiding myself so my greed won't overtake me. It's enough that I am able to make it. Whatever comes after that doesn't matter. As long as I can keep doing this. As long as I'm happy. It's fine.