I promised you a press conference for my mental health right? Well, I'll start by giving my statement first.
First of all, I don't think I have any mental illness because I think my functionality is not yet impaired. And as stated in the DSM-5, my functionality in important aspects of life such as social or employment need to be disturbed first for me to be diagnosed. Just sometimes, I feel like it is very difficult for me to start studying for my academics. But I've got passing marks for my exams. Just the recent one is not out yet. Curious how that one will turn out as I didn't study shit for it.
Okay, now I'll open for questions.
"What kind of mental disorder do you think you have?"
For now my symptoms are highly relatable to people with ADHD.
"Do you know any people around you with the same disorder?"
They are not diagnosed but recently my parents brought my youngest sister to clinic and the doctor suspected that she had hyperactivity. Though that doctor never did anything to confirm her suspicion. But with my limited knowledge I also think that it is possible. For other members I can only think about my father because I'm the exact copy of him so if I have symptoms of ADHD then he also has some. And my family is weird from the start. Except for my 16 y/o sister. She's quite different.
"What kind of research have you done to prove your suspicion?"
Not much. I have just been reading what the people diagnosed with ADHD shared on their social media. I have taken some quiz too but that's the thing about me, I cannot trust myself. So, I will always doubt myself no matter how many researches I have done.
"You say you have difficulty studying so doesn't that mean your mental state is interfering with important aspect in your life?"
I have indeed thought about that and honestly it's worrying but as of now, I want to try working it out by myself. Maybe I'll try motivating myself and because there are a lot of people sharing tips on how to trick the brain, I think I want to try those methods first.
"Do you have difficulty in your social life?"
I'm glad you asked.. I have always found socializing difficult. It always stresses me out and I always leave a conversation feeling like a fool and thought of ways I could have made myself look better. I can usually maintain a good conversation for a few minutes. The rest is just me praying to God and trying to survive.
"Do you think you are normal?"
I have always known that I was different compared to my friends. Maybe because I'm not one to follow trends. I have always done whatever I liked whenever I liked so I'm always off the main stream. Recently in university, my roommate once told me that I'm weird. She didn't mean it in a bad way so I'm thankful to her for stating it directly to me. Even in secondary school my friends said I'm unique, though now I think it's just a nice wording for being weird.
"What do you think about anxiety and depression?"
At first, I thought I have them. That if I went to a psychiatry clinic, depression or anxiety would be my main diagnosis. But now, I think the depression and anxiety are caused by my ADHD, if I truly have ADHD. Because I would feel depressed when I'm not doing good enough in my study and the thing that initially caused that is my inability to start studying and actually focus for long enough. My anxiety may be caused by me being aware of my awkwardness and every day it's just a fight between me and myself. For example, me being 30 minutes early to a class is because I'm afraid I'll forget about it the moment I start thinking about something else so it's better if I think about something else while already being in class.
"What will you do if you got diagnosed with ADHD?"
I will accept it, of course. And do what I have to do as a person diagnosed with ADHD.
But I don't think this country has the ability to accept people with ADHD yet. There is a lot of stigma surrounding the said mental disorder and the kids who have it are labeled as lazy instead of needing help. And parents are worried if their kids have hyperactivity because it means their kids are not normal. And more difficult to control.
Imagine if there are kids out there with ADHD that are struggling with themselves. Because people around them will think that they are hopeless what with the executive dysfunction and inability to regulate their focus. Those kids will keep on blaming themselves and this will hinder their growth. It will cut off a useful resource to a more developed culture and country.
"If you have ADHD then why are you achieving a good grade?"
I have always been asking myself that. Because since I started school, I never do any extra work. I never went to any tuition or extra class. I only joined the ones that my school organized and it's just the same as my friends. I have always been known as the lazy one because I don't always complete my homework. No, I rarely completed my homework perfectly. Most of the times I only copied my friend's work just because the teachers wants to see. Even in secondary school. Even for SPM. I never worked extra hard to achieve the grade that my friends sacrificed sleep and fun for. Oh, and it continued to matriculation. My 3.93 pointer and my Band 5 for MUET. Yes, I studied for them but a normal student wouldn't call it studying. I only opened the book and read what was interesting. Until I got a degree in Medical field. I continued with my way and I would have failed if not for me joining the last minute cramming my friends did. Where I sat there and absorbed what my friends studied. I got passing marks at least.
I have always struggled with myself about this because people around me keep saying that I need to work hard to succeed. But I never worked hard. So every day, every examination that passed, I asked myself 'is this the moment I fail?' . I can't share it with anyone too because it will sound like I'm bragging but I just need answers! And I don't want to accept the answers because I'm a genius or because I'm intelligent. I know I'm not. I know I'm a fool.
"What do you have to say to others that have the same struggle as you?"
It is not our fault. We are just different and because of that, we just need extra work to appear normal. Be patient and find out what you truly excel at. And try to find people who can understand you and work environment that are best suited for you. I know it's difficult but it is a test for us from Allah. Believe in His plans. And actually, I quite like myself for being different.
"What do you have to say to the younger you?"
Just keep doing what you are doing. Yes, you may be stupid from my point of view but I also understand that you are doing your best. So I think there is nothing more to say. Love you too.
Okay that is all for now. See you in future press conference.
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