A story of a girl not being able to focus.

It has been 2 days. 2 days of me studying and preparing before class or every clinic session. And I've been feeling better . Like, this is the best I've felt in this semester? Everything is falling in place for me and it's been good.

Actually I felt like shit. My self-esteem was at its lowest just a few days ago. Until I sat down, I talked to myself and we were just being real. We talked and recognized the problem. And we decided that the problem is I haven't been studying. So that's why I could not answer doctor's questions and just felt stupid during class.

And by studying is really reading and understanding. Not just memorizing. I cannot memorize things you know that. I understand and remember. 

Besides, the feeling of knowing things. The feeling of being able to visualize a procedure and able to explain it to other people later on just makes me feel good? 

And it wasn't even that difficult studying. You just have to stay focused. And now another problem arises, I have to identify the factor that made me not able to focus all this time. You and I both know, something happened, something is abnormal and I need to find it. Or the same thing will recur and I'm telling you I never want to go into that darkness again.

If I am to describe what I've been feeling... I don't know if that's what depressed people feel and I'm not diagnosing myself with depression.

But it was so dark. I saw no way out. My self-criticism just chases each other. Like in this space inside my mind, it's just me and my self-criticism. Everything I do is wrong. I would cry when I feel inferior to people. And I always feel inferior to others. So after coming back from school, I would lie facing the wall and cry quietly. It is worse when I'm making a video or thinking of new ideas because to come up with an idea, you need to believe in yourself. So that affected my work.

Now I'm not saying that after this I'm gonna achieve success and be at the top. No. I just want to feel the same as other people. I don't want people to look at me and think "This kid is gonna fail."

Anyway, I'm not fully recovered. I'm still doubting myself and my decision but it's only gonna get better from now on. I promise myself. I won't disappoint you. And sorry for making you think you're stupid.

Thus, ends the story of someone who was not able to focus on her study for whatever reason. See you next time where we will be discussing about her distractions.

Timeless?

I think I really like psychiatry. Is it because it's easy? I still can't find the answer whether I'm just running away from more difficult things or that I think psychiatry is easy because I like it.

I mean, it is very interesting.

Imagine, all of the world mysteries. ALL OF IT. What if all of it is just because someone's brain had chemical imbalance and it resulted in hallucinations?

Right now, my view of the world and the whole fiction industries is changing. Some of the character's plot also sounds like symptoms to me. Believing you have some mission to do? Or that you are an alien? Or  someone is out to get you? That is delusion. And it can be treated.

Okay so this might come to "then, are ghosts real?"

So as a Muslim, we need to believe in Alam Ghaib. We need to believe that a world we cannot see and feel exists. I still believe in that. But are ghosts included in that Alam Ghaib? jeng jeng jeng.

And one more thing I'm interested in is horror games. mannn that is a mental illness on a whole other level. Like the best way to understand what is going through someone's mentally ill mind is through horror games. Examples are "In the Dead of The Night" about someone who has dissociative disorder. Bruh the game even included predisposing factor in which the guy was abused by his father until he was 2 years old when he witnessed his mother killing his father. That trauma gave an impact to his fragile mind.

But of course, I don't play the games. Especially horror. I wouldn't have been able to move from the starting point and end up dying just like that.

What I think about mentally ill people is, they lack support. Normally, we have friends and a supportive family. But in these people, they don't have that. So when they are faced with problems, they are left to handle it alone. So the brain had to make up an extra support. It can come in the form of delusions or hallucinations. That's what I think. Mind you I'm a weak student and I never studied so don't easily trust my opinion. If you still want to then up to you lah.

So, when these people seek for treatment, they're trying to find that lost support. 

There is also that case of family history. These are the people that I pity the most. Like, because of your parents or grandparents' unresolved problem, you had to carry it with you when you didn't even ask for it. Sometimes, they might even force their ideas on you. 

What I can say is, let's work hard in overcoming it okay? We cannot let ourselves stay in such a deep shit for too long. No matter if it hurts, our goal should be to get out of it.

I wish the world can become more lenient on the mentally ill people. And I can see that we, the world, is working towards it. We are working to be a better place for everyone. I haven't lost trust. 

Wahhh so idealistic some people might even puke reading this. hahaahha.

It's fine.

 It has been so long since I last updated. Heheh. I've been busy trying to figure myself out. What is my hobby, what do I need to do in order to survive..

Along the way I found a lot of calming music and new hobbies. So it wasn't a bad period.

Quarantine almost ended and it's time for me to return to school. That's lame. I prefer staying home.

So I'm thinking, what if I write something that is timeless. Like a thought that can be valid no matter when you read it. Maybe I can write like I already used to. You know I have an offline diary too and I wrote a lot of things in there. Just, after my fav diary is used up, I write less. Which is a shame.

Anyway, I don't know what kind of situation that is waiting for me at school. I'm actually afraid of things that are moving too fast. Because I'm a slow thinker so if things are too fast, I end up panicking. That sucks.

Oh, and I made some animation too during this quarantine. Quite proud of how they turned out. Sadly, my followers on instagram won't watch it no matter how much I promoted it. Quite disheartening. My new hobby just keep on giving me pain when I show it to others. Now I'm used to it. And I cannot stop doing it because, yes people's reactions make me feel suicidal but I feel like I'm being saved again when I work on something. The part where I just keep on using my brain to produce something. That feels great. And how I achieved my goal in the end. It's just the best.

People may not acknowledge my hard work. Maybe I'm the stupid one for working so hard. But I've decided that I want to keep doing this. Writing, drawing. At the core, it's just materializing my thoughts. But I guess that is my dream.

I think the part where I want people to acknowledge me, I think it's just my greed at work. It's not like they didn't say anything. But this greed wants more. It feels like no amount of compliment is enough to pay for how hard I worked. 

So that's why I won't ask for more. I'll keep on hiding myself so my greed won't overtake me. It's enough that I am able to make it. Whatever comes after that doesn't matter. As long as I can keep doing this. As long as I'm happy. It's fine.

Not a fiction

I've strayed far away from my initial focus? I should be focusing on my degree but here I am at 1.13 am figuring out how to make pixel arts...

It's just that this is more exciting to me compared to academics. I'm not sure whether I'm just running away from what I'm supposed to do or I really find this more interesting. My parents would say I'm trying to run away because it seems like I like doing things that are 'easier'.

Are you sure pixel art is easier? (Actually it's quite easy)

I do think that making videos are easier. But honestly, what is it that's really difficult in this world? Anything is easy once you set your mind to it. Once you become stupid and only see one goal in front of you, you don't really care about anything else and just walk straight to it, don't you?

What I'm trying to say is, let's put someone who's really interested and passionate in medical studies in my situation. And let's say that someone is stuck with an animation degree. I'm sure she'll stay up at nights watching those countless youtube videos about medical studies. Trust me, 90% of the infos retained in my head about medical studies are from youtube videos. Oh, is that why I'm stupid? lol

So I'm not really sure if I'm running away or I'm really interested. And whether my parents are right or wrong.

A lot of times I've stated what I really wanted to do and they listened. They do. Only to give me 10 reasons why I should not do what I really want to.

I mean, as a 17 years old, are my wishes that easy to be pushed aside?

I'm really jealous of my friends who are really passionate about their studies. Be it medical, literature, maths, physics, archeologies... They put their whole lives into their studies and apply their studies to their lives. U.Ra.Ya.Ma.Shi.

But maybe it's my fault too for not being more persistent.

How to become an adult in this situation? I'm starting to think my parents aren't the kind of adults I want to be.

Actually my parents told me that I should find money first, then I can do whatever I want to. But I'm getting impatient. Well, I'll just think this degree is also in my path of achieving my dreams.

My dream doesn't stop after graduating. It continues until I die.

Monsters Under The Bed chapter 3

A whole month passed without progress. I came out at night to scare him and he just ignored me. Hiding in his closet and jumpscared him? He stared at me blankly and continued searching for his pajamas. Appeared behind him in the mirror when he's washing his face? He laughed because it was my 3rd week being his monster and I practically looked like a beggar. Is that look even funny? Anyway, I even materialized into his phone to scare him while he was looking at his social media. Didn't work either. I chose that method because he spent most of his time at home looking at social media. He must have an active social media. But none of my scaring method worked.

Tonight will be the same.At this point I'm just thinking of going back and getting my well-deserved vacation. I haven't had a proper rest thinking of ways to scare this kid.

I heard shuffling on the bed. Then an arm dangled beside the bed. I suddenly got an idea to scare him by pulling him under the bed. With a glint of hope, I grabbed his hand.

Before I got to pull it, I felt him tightening his hold on my hand. I stopped my plan for a while, awaiting his next move. Maybe he wanted to take a revenge on me because I've been annoying him for a lot of nights. Maybe he couldn't get a proper sleep too. This kid must hates me a lot.

But nothing else happened. Except for a sense of comfort I got from his tight hold on my calloused hand. Did he just want to hold my hand? For what? I'm a monster. I'm here for the single reason to cause trouble in his life. It's true I've been shifting and sighing under the bed a lot today but why would he comfort me, a monster?

As I was struggling with my inner thoughts, the kid muttered a soft "Good night" before a calm silence took over the room again.

A feeling of security washed over me. What the heck? Did this 8 year old kid just made me, a 1000 year old monster feel safe?

Well...I guess I'll sleep for a bit tonight.

Monsters Under The Bed Chapter 2

A/N: So i decided to continue this story. I'll just freestyle everything though hehe. The first chapter was posted on 23 November 2017, if you want to check it out. Here is the link Monsters Under The Bed chap 1: https://whatilik.blogspot.com/2017/11/hey-stupid-me.html

After the calm first encounter, I was pondering alone under the bed. How can I complete this mission? This is a Mission Impossible for me. Heck it's a mission impossible for every monster.

"Sava, I'm handing over this mission to you."

"What? I thought an administrator wouldn't have to scare?"

"Everyone failed this mission. Even the ranked S agents. You are our last hope."

"Forget about hope. I look like a human. Do you think a kid who's not afraid of monsters will be afraid of humans?"

"Just try. If within 3 months you still fail to scare the kid, you can come back here and we'll even reward you with a vacation."

"..."

"Please. There's no one else that is fit for this."

What does he mean I'm the only one fit for this? I've never even done this kind of job before so I'm lacking a lot in the experience department. Anyway, let's study this kid's room while he's at school. I might find his weakness.

I slid from beneath the bed and went to his study table. The table was quite neat for an 8 year old. This kid ought to use his table more. Is he not doing his homework here? Or build a paper plane? Or a paper shuriken to play with his friends? Do kids not do that anymore? Anyway there's nothing here.

The study table was facing a window and if I looked up a bit from the table I'd be able to see the view outside. And the view was...normal. There was basically nothing. Sure, you can see the neighbor's house but the lawn was unkempt and the walls were plain-looking too. What a boring view.

I moved from his table to his bed. I can tell the bed cover and the comforter had a striking red color when it was newly bought but now the color has faded and it's just this normal red color. The kid was disciplined enough to tidy his bed before going to school. I'm curious about his parents and the way they disciplined him but a Monster is not allowed to go out of the assigned kid's room.

Nothing was out of the ordinary in the room. The closet was a little bit messy with unfolded clothes and shirts were not properly hanged. Probably the kid did it himself. Disciplined, but you cannot stop a kid from being a kid. But wouldn't usually the mother that will do this for her child?

As the final stop, I went to his mirror. I remember the kid lingered here a bit too long this morning while he was getting ready for school. I wonder what was he seeing in the mirror.

The mirror was the same height as me, and would be taller than the kid. There were no decorations on it. The kid would be able to see himself as a whole in this mirror. I remained longer in front of the mirror and stared at my reflection in the mirror. Just like how the kid was doing this morning. It was a little bit uncomfortable to look at myself for too long but I had to know the kid's weakness. Is he having a low self-esteem or does he like himself too much? A narcissist? No matter how many guesses I threw out none of it could be confirmed. Today is just my first day. I still have a lot of time.

Current thoughts

I'm telling you, Twitter is a very toxic place.or maybe just people in general. But I've been hurt too many times on Twitter that's why I said it's toxic.
I just have this tiny voice in my head saying that everyone secretly hates me. It's a bad feeling. I wish I can get rid of it. My self-esteem is destroyed by the voice. So I just logged out of my twitter account despite knowing I forgot the password to it.

I want to tell someone, like how I think I received unfair treatments from some people but I can't. Keeping this in my heart for so long, I'm worried my heart will become rotten.

"Don't you have bestfriends?"

I do have but I can't tell it to them. Because I know it's just a small matter. Like, if I tell them, I'll be just telling them. It'll be empty talk. And, so far, the people I talk to, they don't like empty talks. They want things that have impact. I don't have that. My life is boring and I'm living in my comfort zone. There's basically nothing to talk about with me.

Oh, and forgot to tell you. I made a fan account on twitter and my followers in that account are very nice. I thought because they are strangers, I'll receive less attention and decided to rant a bit. But so far, none of my rants went unnoticed. They'll comment nice things under it, encouraging me and interacting with me. BASICALLY THE WHOLE POINT OF SOCIAL MEDIA.

So I'm thinking of logging into my original twitter account and do the same to my friends. I thought I've done enough but I see it's not. Maybe I'll comment some things too. I mean, if they get shy and didn't actually want people to see the tweet then just go write in your diary la.

But most of all I'm sorry to all my followers if I was an eyesore, it wasn't intended. I really just wanted to express myself but I'm sorry if my image is just too overwhelming for my followers. and friends. My followers are my friends.

Sometimes I think I'm too cold. Like, I have no attachments. Like, if my friend suddenly says she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore, I'd be "okay. cool." When I was 12, a guy legit said I was ugly and I just scoffed and returned to my seat. Of course I was mad but I don't know how to express that anger. Like, why express your feelings to people who don't care?

So from now on, I want to interact more with people. Like, what I like about them and I also have to learn how to tell people I don't like how they're treating me (I think I should just give silent treatment) You think because I'm quiet most of the time meaning I'm okay with everything? In my head I'm crossing you guys one by one off my list of friends. I'm sorry but you'll never gonna know who you are. You don't need to be burdened with the knowledge of someone unfriending you.