The year is ending..

So it's late December which means, time to recap~

January

On this month, it was the end of my ED posting and the start of my paediatric posting. ED was fun but to the end, it was a bit lonely, what with the floods and all. And also that End of Posting assessment I never want to mention again. All in all, ED wasn't really my cup of tea.

Then my paediatric posting was nice, finally felt like I knew what I was doing. Reviewing patients, deciding the managements, all done with only little help from MOs. My proudest era actually. I went to work without stress and came home just to rest. That posting was fun.

This month was also the start of my mom introducing people in hope of marriage to me. Talked for 2 weeks then poof, not a match. Well, more like he rejected me but that's okay, people are allowed to have opinions and reject you. It's a pity cause I kinda liked him (shh don't tell anyone) but oh well, Allah knows best.

February

This was just the continuation of the previous month. I think I'll skip the months till May..

May

The start of my journey as an anaesthesiology department MO. Didn't think it would suit me, just wanted to see what the job is like since I couldn't find a specific interest yet. But turns out I was quite good in it. Learnt quickly and things. 

But ended up disappointing my specialists. By the end of November, I was quite good at what I'm doing but didn't meet expectations. Got scolded a few times by my specialists cause of my clumsiness, forgetfulness, no common sense-ness, but it was a lesson.

Oh and this was the time, my oncalls, 4 times consecutively, I had to perform CPR on a patient. The first 3 died, and the other 1 survived. I mean, the other 1 was initiated in the ICU, all equipments, present, skills present, even an anaesthetist was there. She was so calm there being the team leader, I wish I could become like her some day.

But by the 4th time CPR I was also kinda calm, and knew what to do. The moment I saw the heart rate of 200, didn't need to see the rhythm, immediately asked for a cardiac monitor. It was me who intubated the patient, so I maintained the airway.(This sentence made me look as if im the hero, actually, quite the opposite, I was the cause of the event. Cause patient developed the cardiac event post intubation) 

After everything got anchored, I went and tried helping them securing the IV line but in the middle of it, patient collapsed, no pulse. Immediately commenced CPR, the anaesthetist was there for morning round, she entered the room and became the team leader. I set the timer and took care of the flow ( Thank God that was my 4th rodeo so I kinda remembered the flow already, if not I would have looked like an idiot in front of the anaesthetist, cos I'm telling you, I didn't study shits)

After 8 minutes, ROSC! Yay~ I was so happy. That day was my post call too, so passed over the, like 9 patients alone, cos my senior had to insert CVL to the patient that we just resuscitated. 

But one satisfaction for me though, that the round that day, though we just had a CPR for breakfast, was quite laid back. And by the end of the round, the senior asked the specialist, OUT OF NOWHERE, to rate me, like, whether I'm okay or not. (That was the exact words)

So the specialist, looked at me, literally up and down, and said "okay je kot"

Bro, that was like, the most malignant specialist. and they asked her to rate me?! Okay, enough said.

Then next day I was in charge of OT, but had no cases, so I went to see my MO in the block area with another specialist. A feared one lah, But I didn't have any intention of running cause I was already there. So I stood there, trying to help. And that specialist, unprompted, said "Anis dah okay, you can go and look around other OT, learn bit by bit"

I was like lah, an unprompted rating. But anyway I was glad, You think it's easy to make them say that?

Yep there's that, but also I told you that I disappointed my other two specialists that believed in me since day one I entered. That was too bad, of course, but there was nothing I could have done. I am disappointing, it's in my nature.

December. 

I officially started working in HOGUM as an anaesthesiology MO. And got prompted to take the Medex by multiple specialists. From Hospital Tanah Merah, to Hospital Kuala Krai, to Hospital Gua Musang. Everyone kept asking me to take the medex. So I guess Im taking it then. Got nothing to do anyway. Got lots actually.

Artificial Intelligence

 I am so frustrated lately cause in my Twitter feeds, it's full of people going against Ai art.

Okay, look. There's no doubt that a human made art is much better than Ai art. Of course. How can you compare a human's product to a robot's? Of course robots will lose. Robots are human made. While humans were made by God, The Creator.. I mean, yeah, we're gonna lose either way.

But I think it's wrong to go against Ai just cause you think Ai art is ugly. Or that it's taking people's jobs. Ai is an advancement in technology. Which you cannot stop.

Okay, if you want to defend artists; I'm sorry to pop your bubbles but Ai is not your enemy. It's their employers. Even before Ai existed, manga writers, game developers have been exploited to their bones, all because they do it out of their own interests. So they don't need much money to hold them to their desks. Their interests is the reason they're doing their jobs. So it's easy to exploit people like that.

Know your enemy.

I mean, your calculators are Ai for goodness sake, what kind of Ai are you fighting?

"You can say that, just wait until Ai take your job"

Okay, the reality is, Ai can't just simply take a human's job if their jobs are exceptional. If your art is good, people who knows it's value will seek it. So, don't worry, focus on ourselves. And learn to adapt.

Thank you.

Forever is a long time

 I used to say I had forever to forget about him. Who? My crush of course. Do you remember Sir Rockapebbly? 

Well, turns out forever is a long time.

I got to know a fair amount of guys but none of them could make me feel...happy? glad? I'm not sure what's the exact feeling. But Sir Rockapebbly, he effortlessly gave me that feeling. 

It's just a kind of excited feeling. 

Like finding something you lost. 

Like seeing someone you missed.

I don't know how to forget him. Maybe I don't like him anymore. But I still am curious. Or maybe I'm just too free.

It's not good when you start missing someone you shouldn't.

Oh and other updates? Well, I'm getting by. I finally have some time to explore my hobbies but I haven't done them yet. I still need more time to recuperate.

I hope I will get the time to myself. Some day. Some day.

I'm backkk

 It's nothing exciting really. I just feel like writing after a while. Life has been busy for some time but then it passed and now I'm left with little to nothing to do. So I resort to writing again. Originally I want to write stories but no scenes came to mind..

Wait, maybe I can just proceed with the story that was conjured up by my mind while I was sleeping..

I actually have a lot to do but you know me..

It was a weird request from my superior.

"Hey, Sora, are you free this Saturday?"

I was hesitating to answer as it was my day off. I dont wanna work on that day.

"yeah, somewhat. why?"

"Can you help me? My daughter actually. She's young and wanted to join a marathon but she's too shy to do it alone. We can't accompany her that day so can you help me and accompany her on that day?"

usually I would never agree but because this kind hearted superior has asked me so nicely, I feel like helping. I have nothing to do on that day anyway. Better keep myself busy or I'll be reminded of him again. Anything but him.

"Okay, i'll do it"

And so that's how I end up here, under this hot scorching sun, surrounded by people I dont know, searching for an unfamiliar face. I guess i'll just wait here. My superior said his daughter's name is sunny.

15 minutes passed by and this sunny hasnt appeared, The marathon is about to start. guess i'll just go and register our names first. 

So I walked up to the registration booth and the staff asked for our names, so I said " Sora and Sunny"

When I heard a male voice behind me saying " Sunny won't be coming, write my name instead, it's Sunjae"

And I whipped my head to see who it was, but who was I expecting, of course it's an unfamiliar face.I crooked my eyebrow, signaling my confusion at how this guy knew Sunny and the weirdest of all, how did he know me.

"I'm Sunny's brother Sunjae. sunny wont be coming today, she got cold feet,."

" oh, okay."

She understood. " so you're going to join the marathon?we dont have to do this if you dont want to,  Sunny was the reason I joined this after all."

" Let's just do it till the end. It's a waste of registration money."

Sunjae then left to run first, leaving her behind.

" we can just ask for a refund though." she said to quietly, knowing Sunjae wasnt listening to her already. She pursed her lips, resigning to fate and started running, although a bit lazily.

it was about 3 km and the path was getting a bit steeper. Sora felt like dying. 

'The uphill battle aint for me' she thought, She saw Sunjae;s back ahead of her, his movement quite steady. 

Your Life, Your Way

Growing up I always hear people say, follow your heart, not others. And growing up, I never truly understood what that meant.

In movies, they always show that people who follow their dreams are happy and people who don't aren't happy. I think they need to show something deeper than that. Wherever you are, following your dreams or others, you are always going to struggle. As long as you are living, hardships will always find their way to you. 

But the feel when you decide your life for yourself is different. It means you are taking responsibilities for yourself, and it will contribute to your growth as a person. At least, you won't be a person who's living from weekend to weekend. Because to decide your life for yourself, you need to have a goal. You need to pursue something. And to pursue something you need to have knowledge because otherwise you won't find something that is worthy enough to sacrifice your time and energy into.

So, it's all about taking responsibility for yourself. In Islam, it is highly encouraged to do so. Because you bear your own sins, and when you do good deeds, the rewards are also yours. It doesn't affect others. Listening to these speakers, like Nouman Ali Khan and Omar Suleiman, they always tell you to be hard in yourself and take responsibility for your own life. Don't just follow the flow. Have the courage to think and defy others, in a good way of course. When you listen to others, you must have your own knowledge prior to that, and don't just absorb things like a sponge but be like a filter.

This is a reminder to myself too, to better myself. Because I only recently had the capability to think, and bit by bit, recognizes where is the river and where is the land. Whether I'm just floating in the river or am I walking on land. And if you don't dare yourself to think, it is very easy to fall for the tricks of this world. In whatever aspects : study, friends, fashion, finance. 

Struggling.

 I just decided that I'm not good at making up stories. I put this unrealistic expectations on myself. For example, I have to be able to create a world, characters and story plots. And I have always been stressed because I have a constant writer's block. I cannot make progress with my stories and have always been mad at myself for not trying harder.

But what if that is not the kind of writer I'm meant to become. Though I haven't finished most of my stories, I have written something else. I have 2 completed diaries. I didn't document my life but I wrote things like my thoughts on occurrences that happened in my life. A detailed analysis of what was really going on inside my mind. And that is a skill not many people have.

Because I am so honest with myself. I say an emotion for what it really is. At least I worded it prettily so people can read it, instead of just pretending it was never there. Because to have an emotion is not a sin. An emotion is reaction to something, right? 

I have this whole blog as an evidence too. I am a writer, just not a fictional writer. Maybe if I start writing about stories of my life, I can make progress. Just one problem though, I think my life is not interesting enough? Then Anis, those stories that you never finished are also boring right? Cause you never finished them.

I wrote a lot. Maybe I'll read them again tonight and you know, sort out my feelings. I'm my biggest fan after all.

New year

 I actually wanted to print some anime characters so I can paste it on the wall or something but I guess I'm not feeling too creative recently. And I just decided to update something since it's the new year or whatever.

So my new year resolution is to live as if I'm gonna die. Meaning if I were to die tomorrow, will I be okay doing what I'm doing today? 

And I've decided to not hold myself back in doing my hobby. I got kinda depressed trying to suppress myself from receiving joy through practicing my hobby and the result was I had no source of joy and my study was constantly killing me so I was borderline failing my course. It's a memory I want to forget anyway so let's not go into detail.

Anyway, I hope I will be more mature in living with people. And handling different types of people. I've also noticed recently that I'm the type that's bad at planning. Earlier I was watching Tokyo Revengers and imagined myself fighting and it turned out I have no idea what to do. I would just go into a fight and land whatever blow I can. Though it's probably because I've never sparred even once in my life so it's normal I won't know what to do.

Other than that, my life is uneventful. I really hadn't done anything I can be proud of. Though if you are interested, you can visit my youtube channel. I made some videos, very original idea hahhhahahaha That's one of the thing I'm proud of in my life.

Ah, maybe I will post some of the projects I've made in this blog. It makes no difference where I post it, no one's going to see it anyway so better put it here where it's easy to find. I'll try posting later. And maybe I can try being more serious at blogging. I read a manga where the girl is a blogger and it looked quite interesting. It's not that tiring and anyone can do it. If anyone can do it then I can do it too, and if I can do it then anyone can do it!!!

That's all from me, thank you.

Fantasy of Fate. (fanta-sea?)

To get stuck on someone just because you think that they are your fate is a bit...off. Don't you think?

To think that you worked very hard to become the best version of yourself, only for you to get hung up on someone that you're not even sure of..You're not sure about their personality and their outlook on life. I think it's a waste. It's a waste of all your effort to get to this point.

Throw away that little belief or hope that stems from nowhere. I know, we sometimes have fantasies of our one-sided love being returned in the end. And that someone actually has been loving us all this time and we don't have to look so far just to be happy. That we jut need to wait for that someone to make a move, or in other words, for our fate to reach us.

I now realized how childish that thought is. And yet I have been hoping for it to happen for the longest time. I am stupid indeed, Thank God I realized it in time.

For a good life partner, you have to assess them objectively. Not just settle on someone you don't even like just because you think it's fate.

"I like this person though he is not objectively attractive. He's not even my type. This must be fate." No. Girl, no.

I don't know what your attraction towards him is based on but if he does not reach your standard then that's not the one. Trust me, okay?

Evaluate objectively and after the bond is made, then that is your fate.

Realization.

Just had a long talk with my parents and they reminded me of why I entered medical school. They reminded me of a discussion we had before I chose to apply for med school. 

They said it's okay if I don't become a doctor after going through medical school. That's not my main purpose. My main purpose is to achieve a sound state of mind. Because, as we know, being a doctor will force you to be in your best condition so you can make a good decision. To treat people, to prescribe medications. My parents wanted me to have that best condition. It's okay if I'm not a doctor. We don't live just to work.

So the realization that dawned upon me was, that I don't need to change to become the best. One dangerous mindset that I've adopted after entering medical school is, the need to become like others. Because I thought everyone else is better than me. When actually, we are all the same.

I cannot study like they do. I cannot stay seated at my desk for long hours, writing notes. It's impossible for me. Trust me, this whole year I tried. When I was 16, I tried. But it only ended with more stress and painful tears. It physically hurt me, to study something I have no interest in.

So what I'm going to do is develop more curiosity. And interest. And probably pettiness. hahahaha.

My study method is, studying about something I don't know. And something I want to know. And I cannot have a designated time to study. Because God knows I will ignore that schedule. 

I'm grateful for the lecturer that insulted and praised me. Maybe they didn't mean to insult/praise me but that's how I perceive it. But I'm grateful.

I had to suffer for one year just to understand that being myself is enough. I don't need to become like someone else. They're them and I am me. We are different.

The Crystal Palace of Dreams

This is a screenshot from my all-time favorite love story. Till today, I never looked at this page and not cry. The title is "Emma Bangaihen" or the translation is "Emma : further tales". The main story is "Emma" but I got bored reading about the main couple and accidentally read this one and fell in love with this 2 chapters.

So hi, actually I wanted to edit some photos to be printed so I can paste it in my bedroom wall but it's already nearing the end of the year and I will have to change room soon so I figured it's a waste of energy. And so, I decided to just paste it in my blog instead weheyy.

Okay, the reason I like this certain love story is because...I'm not really sure. I never really thought about it. I just have an innate affinity towards this certain story and the certain character. 

And of course I want to praise the author I love these 2 chapters so much. Well, actually I haven't read the whole story but these 2 chapters don't need you to understand the main story anyway. Because it's the story of a side character.

The first reason I like this story is because the couple is married!!! lol. Maybe it's because I don't like uncertainties. There are a lot of beautiful love stories that features our unmarried couples but I seriously can't relate to it. I just don't understand why do you have to devote so much of your heart to someone who's not your family. Maybe because I myself never had a boyfriend. But I used to have a crush and I did feel like the world was gonna crumble down on me if he rejected me (and he did reject me. indirectly. because I never confessed) but I always have these barrier. I even rank the people in my life according to their positions. For example if they're my family I have to prioritize them more than my friends yada yada. It makes decision making easier and you can think clearly on whose feelings you should disregard and whose feelings you should sacrifice yours for. 

Because, don't you think in this life, we are always going to hurt people? We just have to choose who is it that we're gonna hurt less because they don't give a frick about us in the first place. Or is my thinking wrong?

Okay, cue the second reason! It's because I like the male main character. I like how he's so naive and honest with his feelings and just wanted to make his wife happy. He is my ideal character. He is naive but he is not delusional. He knows what he's got to do to achieve his dreams and he did it so earnestly. And he is handsome yes of course. But actually, my definition of handsome is being healthy. So if you are healthy then you are handsome to me.

Next reason is the ending of course. It gives impact because it is a sad ending and a lot of emotions come with tears you know. It leaves you wanting more because you are so used to a happy ending. A sad ending doesn't feel like an ending.

And through this story I understood why couples go on dates lol. You want to have fun together in a new place so you can get out of the routine of daily life. Kinda like adding some spice to your boring life. But it's special because you're cooking with your significant other.

Though him wanting to go to that place is because he wanted his wife to have fun. He's probably grateful for his wife for staying with him through thick and thins and which is why the moment he saw the ad he immediately thought of bringing his wife there.

You see, even though I look careless in choosing who I like, I actually have a great intuition in choosing people. I don't need people to tell me that they are kind. I don't need them to say romantic words to know they love their partner. I just need to see their actions. Cliche, I know. But it is cliche because it happens in real life and it happens a lot.

I don't trust a person's words easily. I look at their actions. And maybe they will explain themselves later, and the one that I actually trust is why I think they do what they do and say what they say. I trust my experience. I trust my own feelings. What I feel myself. I use empathy to judge people. And until today, let me just say, I haven't made a wrong choice yet. Maybe it's cause I was never put in a place to judge people yet so I'm not really sure myself. But I trust my intuition.

And people aren't really that different from fictional characters. I hope. Cause if they are different then I will have to start life from zero again.

I'm not going to let my anxiety take over my body and let me lose my intuition. Frick off, anxiety.

 

A different view.

The first time I heard someone said that teachers who teach Pendidikan Khas as 'tak berkembang' or easily translated as having no future, I feel so bad. 

Then, why are they still doing it? They are teaching precious kids that are said to be gifts from God, so why do they have no future?

I understand that the person is saying it because that is what it looks like right now. Which is why I want to change it.

Upon discovering these new conditions called neurodivergence and neurotypical, I found out that not all humans are built the same. I mean, I knew that from the start but these discoveries made me understand it from a different view.

So, neurodivergents are the people with autism, ADHD and another condition I forgot. Okay, so these people have a slightly different brain structure from the neurotypicals in which they cannot do something they are not interested in. They can only focus on one thing that they are truly interested in. So, they really don't like being told what to do. These people only want to do what they want to. And, they are usually very good at the said things.

Being in a world that is dominated by neurotypicals, they are called lazy and a problem..because, they won't do as they are told. That is difficult in this world where the leaders only want to 'pecah dan perintah' right?

Because they are not in the same pace as their peers, they are being put in a special class to receive a special education which further obstructs their growth because instead of exploring their abilities, these special education acts more like a prison to these kids. As if the number one rule is "Don't go and disturb your normal friends. Just stay quiet here." I have never gone and visited a special school so I know nothing about them. I usually only watch from the outside. And that is because I'm categorized as the 'normal' one. We were never encouraged to mingle with each other even though our class are located in the same school compound. So, everything were left up to our imaginations and accompanying it are rumors saying that these kids are 'slow'.

Which is why the teachers are said to have no future. Because they are not there to teach. They are there to guard those kids. It's a daycare basically. 

And what I want to do is to change this. We need to study more about the different kind of brains people are born with and explore each of their potentials. So that we may have more useful people among us. I may sound like a crazed human resources official but please understand me. I just feel so close to them. Because I also might be a neurodivergent. A luckier one at that because I pass as a neurotypical. But for those who are not? For those who are only haunted by their own self criticisms? When will they grow? When will they surpass people's expectations?

I will do more study on this and one day, I hope I can change this situation.

Press conference : My Mental Health

I promised you a press conference for my mental health right? Well, I'll start by giving my statement first.

First of all, I don't think I have any mental illness because I think my functionality is not yet impaired. And as stated in the DSM-5, my functionality in important aspects of life such as social or employment need to be disturbed first for me to be diagnosed. Just sometimes, I feel like it is very difficult for me to start studying for my academics. But I've got passing marks for my exams. Just the recent one is not out yet. Curious how that one will turn out as I didn't study shit for it.

Okay, now I'll open for questions.

"What kind of mental disorder do you think you have?"

For now my symptoms are highly relatable to people with ADHD.

"Do you know any people around you with the same disorder?"

They are not diagnosed but recently my parents brought my youngest sister to clinic and the doctor suspected that she had hyperactivity. Though that doctor never did anything to confirm her suspicion. But with my limited knowledge I also think that it is possible. For other members I can only think about my father because I'm the exact copy of him so if I have symptoms of ADHD then he also has some. And my family is weird from the start. Except for my 16 y/o sister. She's quite different. 

"What kind of research have you done to prove your suspicion?"

Not much. I have just been reading what the people diagnosed with ADHD shared on their social media. I have taken some quiz too but that's the thing about me, I cannot trust myself. So, I will always doubt myself no matter how many researches I have done.

"You say you have difficulty studying so doesn't that mean your mental state is interfering with important aspect in your life?"

I have indeed thought about that and honestly it's worrying but as of now, I want to try working it out by myself. Maybe I'll try motivating myself and because there are a lot of people sharing tips on how to trick the brain, I think I want to try those methods first.

"Do you have difficulty in your social life?"

I'm glad you asked.. I have always found socializing difficult. It always stresses me out and I always leave a conversation feeling like a fool and thought of ways I could have made myself look better. I can usually maintain a good conversation for a few minutes. The rest is just me praying to God and trying to survive.

"Do you think you are normal?"

I have always known that I was different compared to my friends. Maybe because I'm not one to follow trends. I have always done whatever I liked whenever I liked so I'm always off the main stream. Recently in university, my roommate once told me that I'm weird. She didn't mean it in a bad way so I'm thankful to her for stating it directly to me. Even in secondary school my friends said I'm unique, though now I think it's just a nice wording for being weird.

"What do you think about anxiety and depression?"

At first, I thought I have them. That if I went to a psychiatry clinic, depression or anxiety would be my main diagnosis. But now, I think the depression and anxiety are caused by my ADHD, if I truly have ADHD. Because I would feel depressed when I'm not doing good enough in my study and the thing that initially caused that is my inability to start studying and actually focus for long enough. My anxiety may be caused by me being aware of my awkwardness and every day it's just a fight between me and myself. For example, me being 30 minutes early to a class is because I'm afraid I'll forget about it the moment I start thinking about something else so it's better if I think about something else while already being in class. 

"What will you do if you got diagnosed with ADHD?"

I will accept it, of course. And do what I have to do as a person diagnosed with ADHD.

But I don't think this country has the ability to accept people with ADHD yet. There is a lot of stigma surrounding the said mental disorder and the kids who have it are labeled as lazy instead of needing help. And parents are worried if their kids have hyperactivity because it means their kids are not normal. And more difficult to control.

Imagine if there are kids out there with ADHD that are struggling with themselves. Because people around them will think that they are hopeless what with the executive dysfunction and inability to regulate their focus. Those kids will keep on blaming themselves and this will hinder their growth. It will cut off a useful resource to a more developed culture and country.

"If you have ADHD then why are you achieving a good grade?"

I have always been asking myself that. Because since I started school, I never do any extra work. I never went to any tuition or extra class. I only joined the ones that my school organized and it's just the same as my friends. I have always been known as the lazy one because I don't always complete my homework. No, I rarely completed my homework perfectly. Most of the times I only copied my friend's work just because the teachers wants to see. Even in secondary school. Even for SPM. I never worked extra hard to achieve the grade that my friends sacrificed sleep and fun for. Oh, and it continued to matriculation. My 3.93 pointer and my Band 5 for MUET. Yes, I studied for them but a normal student wouldn't call it studying. I only opened the book and read what was interesting. Until I got a degree in Medical field. I continued with my way and I would have failed if not for me joining the last minute cramming my friends did. Where I sat there and absorbed what my friends studied. I got passing marks at least.

I have always struggled with myself about this because people around me keep saying that I need to work hard to succeed. But I never worked hard. So every day, every examination that passed, I asked myself  'is this the moment I fail?' . I can't share it with anyone too because it will sound like I'm bragging but I just need answers! And I don't want to accept the answers because I'm a genius or because I'm intelligent. I know I'm not. I know I'm a fool.

"What do you have to say to others that have the same struggle as you?"

It is not our fault. We are just different and because of that, we just need extra work to appear normal. Be patient and find out what you truly excel at. And try to find people who can understand you and work environment that are best suited for you. I know it's difficult but it is a test for us from Allah. Believe in His plans. And actually, I quite like myself for being different.

"What do you have to say to the younger you?"

Just keep doing what you are doing. Yes, you may be stupid from my point of view but I also understand that you are doing your best. So I think there is nothing more to say. Love you too.

Okay that is all for now. See you in future press conference.

A dream I had

 Wow, 3 posts in one night? 

I just remembered about this dream I had.

So in that dream, it was Yuta. I forgot if he was my friend or my boyfriend (heheh) but he was very close to me.

I dreamt that I got into trouble at school. We were wearing white uniforms so it was probably in secondary school. I was kinda like imprisoned somewhere and the only way to get out was if someone bailed me out. And the teacher had already prepared some tricks and puzzles to solve for the person who are willing to bail me out. 

And Yuta, without hesitation, as if it was natural, offered himself to be that person. His expression never showed that it was troubling for him to be involved with me. In that dream too, Yuta was a student who doesn't have good grades. cos all we do together is play around. So it was almost impossible for him to solve the puzzle that the teacher prepared. 

But he did it anyway. With so much difficulties and thinking. But not once did he give up. The bailing process was held in a classroom and I was at the back of the classroom. I was not allowed to move from my place. And Yuta was solving the problems in the same classroom. I still remember him looking back at me from time to time to see how I was doing. He was truly worried for me. Well, he was also asking for answers from me because I'm smarter than him haahah at least academically. 

Each time he solved a question/puzzle he will ask the teacher "Can she go now?" but the teacher kept on giving him puzzles to solve. I was worried. I was truly afraid that he would leave me because the puzzles were too much for him. And what good would it bring him to be associated with someone who broke the rules? I deserved the punishment. I knew it. But he stayed by my side anyway and as I already mentioned earlier, as if it was natural. He never said it but his expression when he came to help me was as if he was saying "If you got in trouble then it's natural for me to get you out of it."

That's why towards the end of the dream, I said "Because...for the first time in my life, I feel like I won't have to do things alone."

He was my closest aide in that dream. Though it was just something I created from my imagination.

And I had the dream when I was being quarantined for going home without permission. So it's obvious where the plot came from. I also came to know what I really wanted in a friend through that whole ordeal.

Validation.

What is my status currently? Do I still seek for external validation? Yes. It is not easy to recover from it.

I know. I know our self-worth isn't determined by how other people see us. That's why I'm still doing this useless art projects. Because if I carry myself according to other's preferences, I will become a tiktoker now.

Where am I going with this...Well if I have to say, I'm not going anywhere. It's just a hobby. It would be great if it helps me become a more likeable person. But I'm not going anywhere. It's just for self-satisfaction. (I intend to develop an indie game though. I don't know when will that be realized.)

One thing I forgot, I'm not one to follow trends. I just like what I like, whenever I feel like it. After all, isn't that the reason we have entertainment? Why do we have to follow other people in liking something?

And one more I want to criticize. STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO. 

From every era of my life, there will be one people who felt the need to teach me how to use social media platforms. Well, given the way I worded that you must be thinking "It's good la someone teaches you. If me no one taught me at all."  Brother, that's not the point here.

If I just started using internet today then it's okay if they want to teach me. But I'm a full-fledged adult who has been using internet since before I even knew how to crush on someone. Heck I bet I can use internet better than them.

Let me give you some context. One time when I first started using filmora and edited videos about my muse that was Taishi, I wanted to post them where someone can see how great is this guy. How funny is his character in that drama is. I wanted to connect with someone. So I posted my video on instagram.

And this girl dare told me to go back to twitter? Why? Why do you want me to go back to that place where everyone abandons me? Twitter is like the most realistic portrayal of the the real life. You care about issues that seems far away from you but when your own friend who you know in flesh is asking for help, you turn a blind eye to it. You're too good for your friend is it?

And she wants me to go back to that horrible place? She might as well tell me to die, it bears no difference!

And another girl asks me why I keep sharing videos from reels on my ig story. She said I should use tiktok. Tiktok? That place doesn't allow me to share my thoughts. Yes, I know you're famous on tiktok and people from all over the world probably watch your videos on a daily basis but I'm not? Make it make sense.

I'm sharing relatable videos, in my PRIVATE instagram account with the people I know. Because I don't allow strangers to follow me. Not even business accounts. Except for those "learn japanese" account cos they wanted to follow me to gain more followers but they're not there to judge.

What's the problem with that? What's the problem if the videos from reels are fake and tiktoks are more original? 

Because I'm an intelligent creature, I followed her advice and watched tiktok more frequently and yes it's true. There are a lot of interesting videos on tiktok but I don't see how it makes the videos from reels fake. And now when I'm bored I have 2 things to watch that is tiktok and reels. Thank you.

These two girls aren't bad people. You don't have to picture them as villains. They are just humans...that seems to cross path with me at just the wrong time. I'm sure they are very loved by the people around them. Their personality that annoyed me probably is loved by other people. Just not me.

But what if they read this entry?

Well, at least they know that I was annoyed with them at some point?

Multimedia works

 I don't know where to start but I want to tell you that I'm currently feeling very motivated to finish a lot of things that I started. Just because recently I gained some self confidence from a few successfully accomplished task. Maybe it's because it's been a long time since I started this digital art thing but I seem to be getting good at it. 

I think it's around June last year? I told you that it all started with Taishi right? That ikemen was my muse at the time. But now I even unfollowed his instagram. I'm just not that interested with him anymore. It was good while it lasted. And now even with this Ryusei Yokohama fellow...it's just a matter of time.

That's why I appreciate an existence like Taemin. I may not pay as much attention to him as I did when I first started liking him (becoming his fan) but I know that the feeling I have for him (as a fan) still hasn't changed. I still look at him with the same affection.

Okay back to my history with photoshop. I don't really remember but I surely started during the first PKP. Because I had nothing to do at home so I thought it was a good chance to learn about photoshop. It was the best decision I have made. Though until now, I still heavily rely on tutorials from youtube, it made me see some worth in myself.

This multimedia skill is easy, the way I see it la. You don't need talents. You just need hard work. 

Well then, I guess it's the same as every other skills on earth then. hahah.

I just happened to be interested in something most other people are not interested in. And this multimedia work isn't really popular however it is really needed to attract people. Funny how they leave the work of attracting other humans in the hands of people with next to zero social skills. Like myself.

An entry can't be too long because the future me will be bored and not want to read anymore. 

Selfish

Currently I'm thinking about friends. Maybe it's true that we will never have a good friend in our life. It is very difficult because after all every human has their own weakness. Everyone has their own problem to worry about.

Maybe I'm not hoping for much. I just want a friend who won't make me feel alone. I'm still searching for that person who, if I want to do something, I don't have to hesitate to ask for her help. Like, even if I killed someone, I can still call her and ask for her help to hide the body. That kind of friend. Maybe that is impossible.

"Because...for the first time in my life, I feel like I won't have to do things alone." 

Maybe that's the only thing that I want.

My emotions are too raw currently so I cannot think of anything to write. I'm afraid if I keep on writing then I'll end up writing things I'll regret.

Originally I wanted to tell about the time I felt so alone and low that I felt like dying. But even telling that story sounds like I'm bragging so hahah I won't.

You know what is my weakness? A story where the partner died. Especially a male character. A guy that is very sweet and kind to his beloved but he had to die young. That is my weakness. You give that story to me I'll cry like it was me myself who lost a lover.

Thinking day today.

You know, sometimes I blow up on social media with my thoughts and opinions that somehow always go against others. And do you want to know why that happens?

It's because I have no one to talk to. That may sound sad but I chose that way. I cannot handle the thought of opening up to other people. Or in my dictionary, opening up means being vulnerable. Weak.

Which is why I write a diary. In this case, I have this blog which acts like my diary.

But I can write things for EVERYONE to see? Well, talking and writing is different in the first place.

If I were to describe myself then...I'll say I have no voice? Yes, realistically I have voice, I can talk. But compared to other people, I'm more silent than not.

I tried telling my father how I think I have problem in expressing myself and he said that maybe it's just me thinking that? That other people understood what I wanted to say. Well, that may be the circumstance. That the problems I think I have just exists in my head. 

Do you know that I quit twitter? Yes, the most famous social media among people my age? Why? Because it's toxic. No, no one patronized me in there. No one sent death threats to me in there. 

It is toxic in the way it is unbearably silent. I rambled on and on about things and no one interacted with my tweets. During trying times I even expressed my wish to pass away but no one cared. Ah, but there are times when they care. It's when I'm mad. When they sense a fight might happen.

See how it's toxic. People are out for blood these days. 

It's fine if I'm only at the receiving end of this apathy. But when I try to reply to their tweets, when I try to show that I care. That whatever they say are heard and they are seen but suddenly, I'm the weird one? For caring? Bro if you don't want to be seen then don't go on social media? Go write in your diary where no one can see.

I go on social media where my friends can see me is because I want to be seen. I want to be heard. I want to interact with people. To know what they think of my opinion. (Though sometimes we mostly just fight) To overall create a good atmosphere in our relationship. But I guess I'm too naive.

Well, now that I quit, there's no more hope for that. It's like that line in that kdrama. "It's not school that I gave up. I gave up you!" but in my case "It's not twitter that I gave up, but my 3 mutuals!"

A story of a girl not being able to focus.

It has been 2 days. 2 days of me studying and preparing before class or every clinic session. And I've been feeling better . Like, this is the best I've felt in this semester? Everything is falling in place for me and it's been good.

Actually I felt like shit. My self-esteem was at its lowest just a few days ago. Until I sat down, I talked to myself and we were just being real. We talked and recognized the problem. And we decided that the problem is I haven't been studying. So that's why I could not answer doctor's questions and just felt stupid during class.

And by studying is really reading and understanding. Not just memorizing. I cannot memorize things you know that. I understand and remember. 

Besides, the feeling of knowing things. The feeling of being able to visualize a procedure and able to explain it to other people later on just makes me feel good? 

And it wasn't even that difficult studying. You just have to stay focused. And now another problem arises, I have to identify the factor that made me not able to focus all this time. You and I both know, something happened, something is abnormal and I need to find it. Or the same thing will recur and I'm telling you I never want to go into that darkness again.

If I am to describe what I've been feeling... I don't know if that's what depressed people feel and I'm not diagnosing myself with depression.

But it was so dark. I saw no way out. My self-criticism just chases each other. Like in this space inside my mind, it's just me and my self-criticism. Everything I do is wrong. I would cry when I feel inferior to people. And I always feel inferior to others. So after coming back from school, I would lie facing the wall and cry quietly. It is worse when I'm making a video or thinking of new ideas because to come up with an idea, you need to believe in yourself. So that affected my work.

Now I'm not saying that after this I'm gonna achieve success and be at the top. No. I just want to feel the same as other people. I don't want people to look at me and think "This kid is gonna fail."

Anyway, I'm not fully recovered. I'm still doubting myself and my decision but it's only gonna get better from now on. I promise myself. I won't disappoint you. And sorry for making you think you're stupid.

Thus, ends the story of someone who was not able to focus on her study for whatever reason. See you next time where we will be discussing about her distractions.

Timeless?

I think I really like psychiatry. Is it because it's easy? I still can't find the answer whether I'm just running away from more difficult things or that I think psychiatry is easy because I like it.

I mean, it is very interesting.

Imagine, all of the world mysteries. ALL OF IT. What if all of it is just because someone's brain had chemical imbalance and it resulted in hallucinations?

Right now, my view of the world and the whole fiction industries is changing. Some of the character's plot also sounds like symptoms to me. Believing you have some mission to do? Or that you are an alien? Or  someone is out to get you? That is delusion. And it can be treated.

Okay so this might come to "then, are ghosts real?"

So as a Muslim, we need to believe in Alam Ghaib. We need to believe that a world we cannot see and feel exists. I still believe in that. But are ghosts included in that Alam Ghaib? jeng jeng jeng.

And one more thing I'm interested in is horror games. mannn that is a mental illness on a whole other level. Like the best way to understand what is going through someone's mentally ill mind is through horror games. Examples are "In the Dead of The Night" about someone who has dissociative disorder. Bruh the game even included predisposing factor in which the guy was abused by his father until he was 2 years old when he witnessed his mother killing his father. That trauma gave an impact to his fragile mind.

But of course, I don't play the games. Especially horror. I wouldn't have been able to move from the starting point and end up dying just like that.

What I think about mentally ill people is, they lack support. Normally, we have friends and a supportive family. But in these people, they don't have that. So when they are faced with problems, they are left to handle it alone. So the brain had to make up an extra support. It can come in the form of delusions or hallucinations. That's what I think. Mind you I'm a weak student and I never studied so don't easily trust my opinion. If you still want to then up to you lah.

So, when these people seek for treatment, they're trying to find that lost support. 

There is also that case of family history. These are the people that I pity the most. Like, because of your parents or grandparents' unresolved problem, you had to carry it with you when you didn't even ask for it. Sometimes, they might even force their ideas on you. 

What I can say is, let's work hard in overcoming it okay? We cannot let ourselves stay in such a deep shit for too long. No matter if it hurts, our goal should be to get out of it.

I wish the world can become more lenient on the mentally ill people. And I can see that we, the world, is working towards it. We are working to be a better place for everyone. I haven't lost trust. 

Wahhh so idealistic some people might even puke reading this. hahaahha.

It's fine.

 It has been so long since I last updated. Heheh. I've been busy trying to figure myself out. What is my hobby, what do I need to do in order to survive..

Along the way I found a lot of calming music and new hobbies. So it wasn't a bad period.

Quarantine almost ended and it's time for me to return to school. That's lame. I prefer staying home.

So I'm thinking, what if I write something that is timeless. Like a thought that can be valid no matter when you read it. Maybe I can write like I already used to. You know I have an offline diary too and I wrote a lot of things in there. Just, after my fav diary is used up, I write less. Which is a shame.

Anyway, I don't know what kind of situation that is waiting for me at school. I'm actually afraid of things that are moving too fast. Because I'm a slow thinker so if things are too fast, I end up panicking. That sucks.

Oh, and I made some animation too during this quarantine. Quite proud of how they turned out. Sadly, my followers on instagram won't watch it no matter how much I promoted it. Quite disheartening. My new hobby just keep on giving me pain when I show it to others. Now I'm used to it. And I cannot stop doing it because, yes people's reactions make me feel suicidal but I feel like I'm being saved again when I work on something. The part where I just keep on using my brain to produce something. That feels great. And how I achieved my goal in the end. It's just the best.

People may not acknowledge my hard work. Maybe I'm the stupid one for working so hard. But I've decided that I want to keep doing this. Writing, drawing. At the core, it's just materializing my thoughts. But I guess that is my dream.

I think the part where I want people to acknowledge me, I think it's just my greed at work. It's not like they didn't say anything. But this greed wants more. It feels like no amount of compliment is enough to pay for how hard I worked. 

So that's why I won't ask for more. I'll keep on hiding myself so my greed won't overtake me. It's enough that I am able to make it. Whatever comes after that doesn't matter. As long as I can keep doing this. As long as I'm happy. It's fine.