My New Year's Dream

Me and my friend visited an exhibition, I think. It was held in a big building that resembles a luxurious school. The walls are painted Grey and white while the floors are carpeted. Also Grey. So, we were on the 2nd floor and met someone who was promoting her 'art'. She said it's a good collection and so we just followed her and...do you know what is it that she collects? It's a collection of skeletons. Real ones. She hung it like how you hung clothes.

The skeletons were hung like this but many more and whiter.

And with a crazed look she asked "It's good, isn't it?"

I was like, 'this girl is crazy,i'm getting out of here.' I looked at my friend to give her a signal but then my friend answered "Yes, it's very good!" and both of them continued admiring the collection. With that as a cue, I left my friend there and was about to calmly exit the building  when suddenly there were crashing sounds everywhere and it was chaotic. Apparently something had invaded the building and was trying to kill everyone in there and destroy the building.

I searched for the stairs and proceeded to descend the big spiral stairs. While I was running down the stairs, I saw, from the entrance, there was an escalator connecting the entrance to the second floor where the havoc is at. On the escalator was Kakashi, standing calmly while the escalator moves upward. Someone was shouting that Kakashi came to save us all and everything will be fine as long as we get out of the building and get onto another moving platform that will bring us into the forest where Urtear will be waiting.

Calm Kakashi as the escalator ascends

So I got onto that platform and there were also many others there. We were quite calm and relieved and was looking forward to get into the forest. The moving platform moved beside the building so we could see the invaders in the building through the windows. Still calm. 

Until Urtear's body were thrown out of the building and fell onto the moving platform. And yep, pretty sure she was already dead. Then all hell broke loose and everyone started running everywhere.

Urtear.
(I only saw her dead body)

Me, with my amazing ninja skills tried to climb back into the building? I don't know why but I just didn't want to be on that platform. Maybe I didn't want to get into the forest as Urtear, that was supposed to be waiting was already dead. Plus, the forest was really thick and scary. While climbing, an invader that looked like a Titan saw me and caught hold of me. And so, I could not move anymore.

The forest kinda looked like this. But darker and thicker you can't even see the ground.

How the invader that caught me looked like.
(This is called a titan ^_^)

While struggling, I saw fireflies. There were so many of them and and among the fireflies was Jonghyun's spirit. He was saving everyone and whoever got into the swarm of fireflies will be brought to safety and a lot of people ran towards the fireflies and they were really saved. I could not believe it because according to my belief, one who commits suicide cannot save anyone else. They are not even safe themselves. But I was too desperate and so I ran there. Somehow I got into the swarm of fireflies and was saved. I was brought, more like, I was floating along with the fireflies and was brought to safety.

The fireflies kinda looked like this from the place where I got caught. It was moving along with Jonghyun's spirit.

Then I was reunited with another friend that is actually normal and stayed at another friend-that-was-not-involved-with-the-chaos-earlier's house. She lived separately from her parents and only got a small room as a house. 

It was really small.

You know the space between a door and the roof? That's her house. But we were accepting and thought, it's better than having no place to live at all. Like us at that time. We had to enter her house horizontally and once inside, we chatted for a bit then slept.

Woke up that morning and borrowed what little clothes she had and headed outside towards the building because apparently, that's where me and my normal friend lives. Along the way, people recognized me and called my name and a villain was blabbering something about me and I was confused as heck. Like, why was I so famous. Then it turned out that one of my tweets had gone viral overnight.

You know what that tweet was about? It's about the Prime Minister. 

And I don't even remember tweeting anything about it. Heck, I didn't even use my phone the night before. There were also banners put up and it was the screenshot of my tweet, like what the hell? hhahaha

and that's where it ends. By the way, the building was in a complete mess.

Mysterious dots......................................

Man. That was creepy as hell.

Anyways,

I actually wanted to talk about friends and how I don'.t really h.ave th.e, but now I'.ve decided th.at th.at topic is not as interesting. as it was th.e time I tho.ug.h.t of it so, I cancelled so now I don'.t know wh.at to write about.huh..

You see these unnecessary dots ? Trust me, it is not a typo. Now I'.m experiencing. somethi.ng. like in th.e sho.rt story QWERTYUIOP wh.ere th.e typewriter started doing. thi.ng.s by itself. so bye.

Trust me it's hard to come up with a title.

Now I'm using the desktop in the living room and it makes a lot of noises and I'm worried about waking my parents up but it'll only be for a while I promise.

So what did I want to talk about?

Ah. I'm 20. Some girls already have kids at my age. And I think I'm too childish.

I don't have the mindset of an adult. Maybe not yet, but when?

That's all. I think.

Ayo!

You guessed it all, I'm bored.

Maybe this is the right time to start writing something. But I'm not good at writing stories. And coming up with good ideas.

Maybe I'll tell you about this dream I had last night.

The scene was a drawing. Painted with blue crayola. So, everything was blue. There was a boy on his bed, desperately holding to some papers, he didn't want someone to take it from him. The bed as unmade. Behind the bed, and the boy, was a window. And at the end of the bed was a table filled with his things- more and more papers. The boy was denying that he's a girl, saying "I'm not a girl!" hence, the blue everything. I guess. The boy has hair like Mizuki's.

This is Mizuki 💗💗💗💗

One more thing. I don't really like intelligent, perfect, know everything kinda guys. Because they make me feel insecure. It feels like they can see right through me, my imperfections, my silly thoughts. It seems as if they can analyze my every action and movement and know the real reason I'm doing something.

I don't want anyone knowing that.

It's not necessarily bad, my thoughts that is. But I hate it when someone says "You must be feeling this and that, right?"

No. Just don't.

Trying my best to update every day. I don't know what's gotten into me when I should be studying.

I had something to write, but I forgot. Yeah, same old, same old.

Ah, I remembered!

I don't have any wanting to make small talks with someone nor I have the ability to. It's just, how do people even do that? Like, while walking back to hostel, you do that thing where you're being so friendly with someone you just met and are able to keep the talk going. I just can't.

And yes, I know I need that skill.

The reason I hate Kakashi and Sasuke.

It's just...sad. Looking at them. They think about others, but do they think of themselves? Yes, they're smart and usually comes with the best solution, but, please find happiness for yourself too. What are you doing punishing yourself with ridiculous punishments such as saying you don't deserve any friends or love. Like Jellal. hahah. That guy is funny.

Maybe I just hate guys who lies.

Jellal is different, okay? He's not being cool or trying to hide his emotions. He's just matured and is trying to make the best decision. He cries when he wants to, he fell in love and expresses his emotions just fine.

WHICH IS WHY I LIKE JELLAL!

What about Mystogan? Mystogan is busy being a king in Edolas so maybe I shouldn't bother him with my feelings.

huh

I'm just not used to studying. And yet I chose Medicine.

I chose this because I thought there's a lot that I can learn from Medicine and it can help me in writing better books.

But I'm just so not used to studying like crazy, like how you're supposed to in studying Medicine. I don't know when and how to start. I mean, my friends already knew how to study, like making notes or watching Youtube videos, while me? I'm just barely getting by.

Doesn't mean I'll stop.

Live

What did I want to talk about? Hmm, forgot already.

Maybe about those people that complains too much. It's nice enough that people are giving them advices, now they want to criticize on that? You're being too ungrateful.

Maybe they're mad at those people who say things nonchalantly. That must be it. Those kind of people aggravates me, sure. They talk without  even caring about our feelings, so the real question comes in, why do we even care?

I mean, let them run their mouths however they want. You control what goes into your mind.

And one more, it is okay to deviate from your usual path. Maybe you need it to find your purpose in life. For me, I can't pinpoint what my purpose in life is. There are the textbook answers which every Muslim knows, I'm sure. Okay, maybe not all but mostly.

Maybe I want to live because, Allah Gave me a chance to live. So, why not make the most out of it. And while living, I don't want to live a meaningless life. Which is why I want to connect to more people, and help more people. Maybe I'm hoping that they won't forget me even when I'm gone.

And life is beautiful. Come on, seriously, if we live because of ourselves, life is quite dull. But when we live for the life's beauty, I can ensure you that you won't want to die. This is where balance is important because you can't love life too much.

And to be honest, I do think living is harder than dying. Only because I'm still breathing. But once I'm dead, I'll think "Ah, living is a lot easier than dying."

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, right?

Reasons, Excuses

Like always, I don't like doing something that everyone else is doing. That's why I deleted every tweets.

It's just sad. He can't grow anymore. He did so well though.

Songs songs songs

Sooooo I'm into slow songs. is it slow? maybe not. it is the kind that you don't listen to while partying for sure.

Unravel acoustic version and EGOISTIC Euterpe. lemme just find the meaning of euterpe real quick.

But one thing for sure is : both of the songs have great lyrics.

In Greek Mythology, euterpe means 'rejoicing well' or 'delight'. The song is about the singer(?) questioning why do people kill each other, something like that.

The song Unravel is about, finding one's own identity? I think it can be said like that. The lyrics are confusing but I like it. I like it that way. Confusing and complex.

and one more, the Natsuhiboshi lullaby in Naruto.

it's a lullaby which the mother sang to her son. and why did I come to like the song? First, it's a lullaby so, for sure it's soothing and comforting. The next reason is the song holds special meaning for their family. And the son's expression watching her mother singing that lullaby is so adorable. It reminds me of how much children love their parents.

Like, no matter how bad the parents are, a child's heart will first choose to love. Like in that drama series, what was it's title again? I forgot. the one that Aeril Zafril starred in. The one where he became a drug addict.

p/s : Natsuhi, the kid's mom that sang the Natsuhiboshi is far from bad, okay? and note that, I don't like love songs that much. What is there in love songs except for meaningless promises and exaggerated whinings?

Life and death is not a play.

Do you know how precious a life is? Don't ask me, I don't really know either. But what I know is that, when someone is killed, a story ends. The pen stopped moving (and it did long ago).

One person is like a main character of his own story and when a story ends, I don't know. Do you know how it feels when you finish a book? There are so many things that will also be gone.


Let's stop talking about this. It's depressing.

heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy

It's really windy right now. Rasa macam dok kat Cameron Highland, aninga? hahah...

In the middle of watching Naruto. Not finished yet. It has became so boring since Sasuke's not there.

I hate Sasuke but I can't deny that he looks cool and handsome at times, but my core hates him. I hate people like him the most, like Kakashi sensei. I also hate Kakashi sensei. I don't know, they just can't really express their real emotions and people around them have to interpret their actions themselves AND I'M NOT GOOD AT INTERPRETING EMOTIONS AND I MIGHT MISUNDERSTAND OR MISTREAT PEOPLE LIKE THEM!

You see why I hate people like that?

Usually, they are nice but their actions make them look like they have bad intentions and because of that I might hate them for the wrong reasons and at that time, it is my fault. It's not theirs because their nature is like that. They need understanding people around them and I'm not like that. I only read the surface.

So that's why, before I hate them for the wrong reasons, better for me to hate them because of the right reason. They lie, they hide.

(tambah2 lagi kakashi ngan sasuke perasan bagus sangat. puh-lease)

it's Saturday

My mom said that no one else aside from my own family wants to see me truly happy. And I guess I kinda believed her and start distrusting everyone. In fact, I feel weirded out when people trust me too much.

So hmm, I'm not saying that everyone is bad. It's just hard to accept them as 'my people'. Something like that. It's still hard to take a selfie with them, with me holding the phone. I just don't feel any need to be in the same picture with them.

Maybe that's why people think I'm arrogant. Well maybe you should think about life's cruelty first before judging people..

Princess Mononoke

That movie actually disappointed me. Like whaaaat

I thought I could survive just because that guy is handsome and somewhat reliable but I had difficulty understanding his actions. Whether they come from his practice or his thoughtfulness. He was already a great person before so it was no wonder he would be as great in the forest. So, there's no character development.

And the plot is so...quiet? Like, I know why everyone is doing what they are doing but sometimes, it needs more noises. Does this make any sense? Sure, the sound effects in the movie is fine and it talks about the scene well but there's no...well it left nothing to be predicted. Watching the movie, I could only watch. I could not predict because the world and their thinking is so different. There was also nothing new that could be learnt since it's fantasy, not a reality. I expected more but that's what I got. What to do...

I had to watch the movie 2 times, half half. Because too boring la dey.

beh beh beh beh beh

I think I'm exposing too much. Starting to regret now. Now where do I write about my daily rants? Like how the ants won't go away or like how lazy I am to go take a shower aafgdgfafdasafds

You should watch 'The Wind Rises'

Just finished watching "The Wind Rises". A beautiful movie. Made me realize that it's important to have a fighting spirit in yourself, no matter how small or insignificant you are. Because it is those tiny cells that make up a complex organism.

You have to be aware of what's going on around you, what's happening in your country, and you have to aim as if you're the leader of your country. And be nice.

The relationship between Jiro and his wife, Nahoko is so sweet, they're my newest favorite couple. I mean, Jiro always compliments Nahoko saying she's beautiful and what, and wahh, it's so beautiful. Jiro is really admirable. But he's just a made up character. Would such a person exist in reality? I'm not really sure.

I cried a little bit. Just because I wanted to cry. The movie is so beautiful and enchanting you'll forget that some situations are actually bad and worth your tears. 

so hey yo!!!

I actually thought of continuing the story about my parents and all, you know. But I don't have anything particular to tell so...

I borrowed this one book from the library titled "Bring Out The Magic In Your Mind" and only found out that the writer is quite weird. Something just doesn't add up about him and I'm scared of being influenced by him since the book was written in first person point of view. So I'm just abandoning the book on my shelf and will return it later and I hope to pick up a more useful book after this. Perhaps some fiction book since it's fiction. Nothing dangerous. Maybe a Stephen King book.

But I don't really have time to read story books. I've got an exam coming in a month and I haven't started studying yet. I think I have to get busy later but I promise I'll find some time to write a book. Any book.

It's important to get some other profession planned other than being a doctor since the future is not really bright if you're only focusing on being a doctor. That's why I want to finish writing, at least one book by my fifth year and get it published. Maybe I won't earn much from it, but at least, I'll be experienced in that field. At least more than those who don't write books. And maybe I can continue writing other books while working as a doctor too. Though the future is not very bright for Muslims in this world. I'll try to survive.

I use "the future is not very bright" a lot right? hahah.

What am I going to do in the examinations???

Dreams

So once again, I dreamed of dinosaurs. Various kinds were in my dream, and I left my crush trapped in a room. hahah sorry but I gotta save myself first. And I skillfully climbed a fence to avoid to run away from those carnivores.

Next dream is, my crush got kidnapped. We were actually having a discussion then suddenly this big guy with shades came and started tying everyone up (there were 3 people including me) except for me. Actually they wanted to tie everyone up but with my quick reflex I avoided it and the leader decided that it's too troublesome to bring me along so he just said, "Just let her go. She's useless anyway." Then they took my crush and another unknown person away. I wanted to save him so I desperately chased those kidnappers but they were too fast and the distance between us were too far by the time I started running. So, in the middle of the chasing I plopped down to the ground from exhaustion and at that time, I realized, the kidnappers were no longer in my range of vision and it was too impossible to chase them down. It frustrated me and I truly didn't know what to do, not to mention I was desperate to get him back (my crush, that is).

but then the dream ended there when my roommate woke me up.

yo

What do I do???

I found very beautiful journal books online!!! I so want to have all of them, but I can't be greedy. I mean, the ones that my father bought for me is still not finished yet.

It's just that , to actually write in it is so...troublesome? I mean, I'm too lazy. I will only write if driven by great amount of sadness and loneliness, something like that. Like sharingan right?

mah, I'm an Uchiha at heart.

hi

so hey, it's me here.

Now it is noon, and it's very windy outside, maybe it'll rain later. The weather is good, I like it this way, which is why I can't sleep. If I sleep, it feels like I'll be missing out on these rare peaceful moments. Where your roommate is sleeping, the room is quiet and you can write and express your feelings freely. You can be stupid, productive, lazy, smart. You can be everything and no one's gonna judge you. Except for Allah, of course.

You know outside my room, there's this big tree with a lot of leaves. And I think they're always beautiful no matter the weather. When it's dark, they'll just be there, obstructing the light and when it's sunny, they'll be reflecting the lights beautifully and when it's windy, the way they move along to the wind is so enchanting (makes me feel like I'm living in a fairy tale) and! when it's raining, the leaves will shine, because of the water on them. It's just so beautiful.

In Matriculation, the view outside my window is of the beautiful sky. It glows differently every evening at sunset. At morning? The sun rose the other way so I couldn't really see. I had fun watching the painting of the sky, so many colours... purple, red, pink, yellow, orange. Every color is beautiful. Even those gray skies or even just plain white clouds. And the blue sky of course.

And these made me love the sky. I never cared about the trees and their beauty. I know that every creation of Allah is beautiful but I just didn't take any time to appreciate it.

Then I moved here and the only view outside my window is just this big tree. With a lot of leaves. Day by day, I started noticing its beauty. And I'm glad I'm able to enjoy it now.

Sure, I felt disappointed that I can no longer take pictures of the stunning sky but now, I feel more peaceful looking at the greens.

Do you know that I don't really like the color green? Maybe I can start liking it more now.

yo

This is out of nowhere but suddenly I got the motivation to make things right. Because I can't fail. At this point, failure is not an option.

I mean, if I have to I will fail but I don't want to fail without doing anything. I want to do my best before I receive the outcome. Sure, no one wants to fail but sometimes...

My parents trust me so much and my sister and brother look up to me, so I can't suddenly disappoint them after coming this far, can I?

Plus, I found some easy way of studying. At least one that doesn't seem tedious because I hate long speeches. Short and deep, that's the best.

So, I've decided to use the objective based learning. I don't know whether other students use the same method or not but I 'm going to use this method. Why? Because as far as I know, lecturers should construct the questions based on the objectives so if I focus on the objectives, I'm basically answering the questions that will be asked in the exam.

Plus, it'll be the first exam for us, how hard can they make it be? I mean, they should have some sympathy too and ask some straight-forwarded questions. heheh.

It's already late but I'm not yet sleepy, even after studying a little bit. But don't worry. I'll try to sleep.

Ciao!

Lost my sight of the future.

I'm losing myself.

I lost my aim.

I'm falling deeper and deeper.

"Do your best in your studies,okay?"

Those words keep on ringing in my head as I fall deeper and deeper in my own imaginary world. Helplessly, I look at the writings that demand to be read. Blink, blink. Dark.

Today, it rains. I look at those piled up clothes from last week. Then at the rain again. It seems endless.

What am I doing again? What's my purpose?

I don't know. I can't see.