A different view.

The first time I heard someone said that teachers who teach Pendidikan Khas as 'tak berkembang' or easily translated as having no future, I feel so bad. 

Then, why are they still doing it? They are teaching precious kids that are said to be gifts from God, so why do they have no future?

I understand that the person is saying it because that is what it looks like right now. Which is why I want to change it.

Upon discovering these new conditions called neurodivergence and neurotypical, I found out that not all humans are built the same. I mean, I knew that from the start but these discoveries made me understand it from a different view.

So, neurodivergents are the people with autism, ADHD and another condition I forgot. Okay, so these people have a slightly different brain structure from the neurotypicals in which they cannot do something they are not interested in. They can only focus on one thing that they are truly interested in. So, they really don't like being told what to do. These people only want to do what they want to. And, they are usually very good at the said things.

Being in a world that is dominated by neurotypicals, they are called lazy and a problem..because, they won't do as they are told. That is difficult in this world where the leaders only want to 'pecah dan perintah' right?

Because they are not in the same pace as their peers, they are being put in a special class to receive a special education which further obstructs their growth because instead of exploring their abilities, these special education acts more like a prison to these kids. As if the number one rule is "Don't go and disturb your normal friends. Just stay quiet here." I have never gone and visited a special school so I know nothing about them. I usually only watch from the outside. And that is because I'm categorized as the 'normal' one. We were never encouraged to mingle with each other even though our class are located in the same school compound. So, everything were left up to our imaginations and accompanying it are rumors saying that these kids are 'slow'.

Which is why the teachers are said to have no future. Because they are not there to teach. They are there to guard those kids. It's a daycare basically. 

And what I want to do is to change this. We need to study more about the different kind of brains people are born with and explore each of their potentials. So that we may have more useful people among us. I may sound like a crazed human resources official but please understand me. I just feel so close to them. Because I also might be a neurodivergent. A luckier one at that because I pass as a neurotypical. But for those who are not? For those who are only haunted by their own self criticisms? When will they grow? When will they surpass people's expectations?

I will do more study on this and one day, I hope I can change this situation.

Press conference : My Mental Health

I promised you a press conference for my mental health right? Well, I'll start by giving my statement first.

First of all, I don't think I have any mental illness because I think my functionality is not yet impaired. And as stated in the DSM-5, my functionality in important aspects of life such as social or employment need to be disturbed first for me to be diagnosed. Just sometimes, I feel like it is very difficult for me to start studying for my academics. But I've got passing marks for my exams. Just the recent one is not out yet. Curious how that one will turn out as I didn't study shit for it.

Okay, now I'll open for questions.

"What kind of mental disorder do you think you have?"

For now my symptoms are highly relatable to people with ADHD.

"Do you know any people around you with the same disorder?"

They are not diagnosed but recently my parents brought my youngest sister to clinic and the doctor suspected that she had hyperactivity. Though that doctor never did anything to confirm her suspicion. But with my limited knowledge I also think that it is possible. For other members I can only think about my father because I'm the exact copy of him so if I have symptoms of ADHD then he also has some. And my family is weird from the start. Except for my 16 y/o sister. She's quite different. 

"What kind of research have you done to prove your suspicion?"

Not much. I have just been reading what the people diagnosed with ADHD shared on their social media. I have taken some quiz too but that's the thing about me, I cannot trust myself. So, I will always doubt myself no matter how many researches I have done.

"You say you have difficulty studying so doesn't that mean your mental state is interfering with important aspect in your life?"

I have indeed thought about that and honestly it's worrying but as of now, I want to try working it out by myself. Maybe I'll try motivating myself and because there are a lot of people sharing tips on how to trick the brain, I think I want to try those methods first.

"Do you have difficulty in your social life?"

I'm glad you asked.. I have always found socializing difficult. It always stresses me out and I always leave a conversation feeling like a fool and thought of ways I could have made myself look better. I can usually maintain a good conversation for a few minutes. The rest is just me praying to God and trying to survive.

"Do you think you are normal?"

I have always known that I was different compared to my friends. Maybe because I'm not one to follow trends. I have always done whatever I liked whenever I liked so I'm always off the main stream. Recently in university, my roommate once told me that I'm weird. She didn't mean it in a bad way so I'm thankful to her for stating it directly to me. Even in secondary school my friends said I'm unique, though now I think it's just a nice wording for being weird.

"What do you think about anxiety and depression?"

At first, I thought I have them. That if I went to a psychiatry clinic, depression or anxiety would be my main diagnosis. But now, I think the depression and anxiety are caused by my ADHD, if I truly have ADHD. Because I would feel depressed when I'm not doing good enough in my study and the thing that initially caused that is my inability to start studying and actually focus for long enough. My anxiety may be caused by me being aware of my awkwardness and every day it's just a fight between me and myself. For example, me being 30 minutes early to a class is because I'm afraid I'll forget about it the moment I start thinking about something else so it's better if I think about something else while already being in class. 

"What will you do if you got diagnosed with ADHD?"

I will accept it, of course. And do what I have to do as a person diagnosed with ADHD.

But I don't think this country has the ability to accept people with ADHD yet. There is a lot of stigma surrounding the said mental disorder and the kids who have it are labeled as lazy instead of needing help. And parents are worried if their kids have hyperactivity because it means their kids are not normal. And more difficult to control.

Imagine if there are kids out there with ADHD that are struggling with themselves. Because people around them will think that they are hopeless what with the executive dysfunction and inability to regulate their focus. Those kids will keep on blaming themselves and this will hinder their growth. It will cut off a useful resource to a more developed culture and country.

"If you have ADHD then why are you achieving a good grade?"

I have always been asking myself that. Because since I started school, I never do any extra work. I never went to any tuition or extra class. I only joined the ones that my school organized and it's just the same as my friends. I have always been known as the lazy one because I don't always complete my homework. No, I rarely completed my homework perfectly. Most of the times I only copied my friend's work just because the teachers wants to see. Even in secondary school. Even for SPM. I never worked extra hard to achieve the grade that my friends sacrificed sleep and fun for. Oh, and it continued to matriculation. My 3.93 pointer and my Band 5 for MUET. Yes, I studied for them but a normal student wouldn't call it studying. I only opened the book and read what was interesting. Until I got a degree in Medical field. I continued with my way and I would have failed if not for me joining the last minute cramming my friends did. Where I sat there and absorbed what my friends studied. I got passing marks at least.

I have always struggled with myself about this because people around me keep saying that I need to work hard to succeed. But I never worked hard. So every day, every examination that passed, I asked myself  'is this the moment I fail?' . I can't share it with anyone too because it will sound like I'm bragging but I just need answers! And I don't want to accept the answers because I'm a genius or because I'm intelligent. I know I'm not. I know I'm a fool.

"What do you have to say to others that have the same struggle as you?"

It is not our fault. We are just different and because of that, we just need extra work to appear normal. Be patient and find out what you truly excel at. And try to find people who can understand you and work environment that are best suited for you. I know it's difficult but it is a test for us from Allah. Believe in His plans. And actually, I quite like myself for being different.

"What do you have to say to the younger you?"

Just keep doing what you are doing. Yes, you may be stupid from my point of view but I also understand that you are doing your best. So I think there is nothing more to say. Love you too.

Okay that is all for now. See you in future press conference.

A dream I had

 Wow, 3 posts in one night? 

I just remembered about this dream I had.

So in that dream, it was Yuta. I forgot if he was my friend or my boyfriend (heheh) but he was very close to me.

I dreamt that I got into trouble at school. We were wearing white uniforms so it was probably in secondary school. I was kinda like imprisoned somewhere and the only way to get out was if someone bailed me out. And the teacher had already prepared some tricks and puzzles to solve for the person who are willing to bail me out. 

And Yuta, without hesitation, as if it was natural, offered himself to be that person. His expression never showed that it was troubling for him to be involved with me. In that dream too, Yuta was a student who doesn't have good grades. cos all we do together is play around. So it was almost impossible for him to solve the puzzle that the teacher prepared. 

But he did it anyway. With so much difficulties and thinking. But not once did he give up. The bailing process was held in a classroom and I was at the back of the classroom. I was not allowed to move from my place. And Yuta was solving the problems in the same classroom. I still remember him looking back at me from time to time to see how I was doing. He was truly worried for me. Well, he was also asking for answers from me because I'm smarter than him haahah at least academically. 

Each time he solved a question/puzzle he will ask the teacher "Can she go now?" but the teacher kept on giving him puzzles to solve. I was worried. I was truly afraid that he would leave me because the puzzles were too much for him. And what good would it bring him to be associated with someone who broke the rules? I deserved the punishment. I knew it. But he stayed by my side anyway and as I already mentioned earlier, as if it was natural. He never said it but his expression when he came to help me was as if he was saying "If you got in trouble then it's natural for me to get you out of it."

That's why towards the end of the dream, I said "Because...for the first time in my life, I feel like I won't have to do things alone."

He was my closest aide in that dream. Though it was just something I created from my imagination.

And I had the dream when I was being quarantined for going home without permission. So it's obvious where the plot came from. I also came to know what I really wanted in a friend through that whole ordeal.

Validation.

What is my status currently? Do I still seek for external validation? Yes. It is not easy to recover from it.

I know. I know our self-worth isn't determined by how other people see us. That's why I'm still doing this useless art projects. Because if I carry myself according to other's preferences, I will become a tiktoker now.

Where am I going with this...Well if I have to say, I'm not going anywhere. It's just a hobby. It would be great if it helps me become a more likeable person. But I'm not going anywhere. It's just for self-satisfaction. (I intend to develop an indie game though. I don't know when will that be realized.)

One thing I forgot, I'm not one to follow trends. I just like what I like, whenever I feel like it. After all, isn't that the reason we have entertainment? Why do we have to follow other people in liking something?

And one more I want to criticize. STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO. 

From every era of my life, there will be one people who felt the need to teach me how to use social media platforms. Well, given the way I worded that you must be thinking "It's good la someone teaches you. If me no one taught me at all."  Brother, that's not the point here.

If I just started using internet today then it's okay if they want to teach me. But I'm a full-fledged adult who has been using internet since before I even knew how to crush on someone. Heck I bet I can use internet better than them.

Let me give you some context. One time when I first started using filmora and edited videos about my muse that was Taishi, I wanted to post them where someone can see how great is this guy. How funny is his character in that drama is. I wanted to connect with someone. So I posted my video on instagram.

And this girl dare told me to go back to twitter? Why? Why do you want me to go back to that place where everyone abandons me? Twitter is like the most realistic portrayal of the the real life. You care about issues that seems far away from you but when your own friend who you know in flesh is asking for help, you turn a blind eye to it. You're too good for your friend is it?

And she wants me to go back to that horrible place? She might as well tell me to die, it bears no difference!

And another girl asks me why I keep sharing videos from reels on my ig story. She said I should use tiktok. Tiktok? That place doesn't allow me to share my thoughts. Yes, I know you're famous on tiktok and people from all over the world probably watch your videos on a daily basis but I'm not? Make it make sense.

I'm sharing relatable videos, in my PRIVATE instagram account with the people I know. Because I don't allow strangers to follow me. Not even business accounts. Except for those "learn japanese" account cos they wanted to follow me to gain more followers but they're not there to judge.

What's the problem with that? What's the problem if the videos from reels are fake and tiktoks are more original? 

Because I'm an intelligent creature, I followed her advice and watched tiktok more frequently and yes it's true. There are a lot of interesting videos on tiktok but I don't see how it makes the videos from reels fake. And now when I'm bored I have 2 things to watch that is tiktok and reels. Thank you.

These two girls aren't bad people. You don't have to picture them as villains. They are just humans...that seems to cross path with me at just the wrong time. I'm sure they are very loved by the people around them. Their personality that annoyed me probably is loved by other people. Just not me.

But what if they read this entry?

Well, at least they know that I was annoyed with them at some point?

Multimedia works

 I don't know where to start but I want to tell you that I'm currently feeling very motivated to finish a lot of things that I started. Just because recently I gained some self confidence from a few successfully accomplished task. Maybe it's because it's been a long time since I started this digital art thing but I seem to be getting good at it. 

I think it's around June last year? I told you that it all started with Taishi right? That ikemen was my muse at the time. But now I even unfollowed his instagram. I'm just not that interested with him anymore. It was good while it lasted. And now even with this Ryusei Yokohama fellow...it's just a matter of time.

That's why I appreciate an existence like Taemin. I may not pay as much attention to him as I did when I first started liking him (becoming his fan) but I know that the feeling I have for him (as a fan) still hasn't changed. I still look at him with the same affection.

Okay back to my history with photoshop. I don't really remember but I surely started during the first PKP. Because I had nothing to do at home so I thought it was a good chance to learn about photoshop. It was the best decision I have made. Though until now, I still heavily rely on tutorials from youtube, it made me see some worth in myself.

This multimedia skill is easy, the way I see it la. You don't need talents. You just need hard work. 

Well then, I guess it's the same as every other skills on earth then. hahah.

I just happened to be interested in something most other people are not interested in. And this multimedia work isn't really popular however it is really needed to attract people. Funny how they leave the work of attracting other humans in the hands of people with next to zero social skills. Like myself.

An entry can't be too long because the future me will be bored and not want to read anymore.