Hold up. I'm not trying to drop any skincare routine or whatever. Just that, I noticed that sometimes my skin is smooth but sometimes it's not.
It's smooth right after my period ended and becomes bumpy again some times later. I guess it's the work of the hormones, I'm not quite sure, because some hormone disorder can also cause you to get acne, you know?
What I'm saying is, if you're lazy like me, having acne is normal. Is this a good advice?
Because I find some people with even a very beautiful face and skin complains about every little bumps that appear on their faces. Well, I guess it is good to be attentive but, let's not stress over it okay?
And I am sure some will think "Everyone is different from each other so my advice is not suitable for everyone"
I know that. I am perfectly aware of that. That's why you wear the shoe only if it fits.
Saturday 29 December 2018
Thursday 27 December 2018
An update on my life.
Currently listening to some musics , but I really can't focus with musics playing in the background.
Just remember, when you're busy feeling hurt over some other people ignoring you, know that they have their own problems and worries that need to be resolved more quickly than your butthurting.
Please don't be a burden.
Lately I've been playing this game called Mystic Messenger and I have to say it's a good game. You can collect hourglasses to unlock endings and stories, and interesting fact is, it helped me become a more determined person. Because I was so set on buying this deep mode which need lots of hourglasses. You can try it too, there's no harm in trying.
Ah, I forgot, with my twitter gone, so is the access to this blog.
Look at this girl pitying herself. There's no use doing that.
I just.....I hope this blog won't be useless after my death. But I myself have to change that. Do you know how hard it is to make a change?
I've been doing everything I needed to become a good person to other people but not to my own mother. Disappointing.
2 days passed without Twitter and I've been releasing my pent up sentences through other social medias like Tumblr and Whatsapp. I think it's good riddance.
Just remember, when you're busy feeling hurt over some other people ignoring you, know that they have their own problems and worries that need to be resolved more quickly than your butthurting.
Please don't be a burden.
Lately I've been playing this game called Mystic Messenger and I have to say it's a good game. You can collect hourglasses to unlock endings and stories, and interesting fact is, it helped me become a more determined person. Because I was so set on buying this deep mode which need lots of hourglasses. You can try it too, there's no harm in trying.
Ah, I forgot, with my twitter gone, so is the access to this blog.
Look at this girl pitying herself. There's no use doing that.
I just.....I hope this blog won't be useless after my death. But I myself have to change that. Do you know how hard it is to make a change?
I've been doing everything I needed to become a good person to other people but not to my own mother. Disappointing.
2 days passed without Twitter and I've been releasing my pent up sentences through other social medias like Tumblr and Whatsapp. I think it's good riddance.
Wednesday 17 October 2018
bruhhhhhh
A concept :
When a ghost possesses a human's body, that human will become like a zombie. Except that it won't spread to others rapidly but it's still contagious. So, as long you're strong spiritually, you can touch them or hold them but you have to always be on your toes because who knows when will your Iman dwindle...the ghost might come for you next.
And tonight, I forgot what I wanted to write down. Something to do with the level of Iman too.
It's just that when you do bad things, what do you think is the reason for it? Is it because your iman is low or...because you got tempted by the devil? Both answers seem right but to me it havens different meaning.
Of course, it's all related to each other like a big circuit. But maybe we can deviate a little bit from the circuit.
Last but not least, I'll try my best to continue writing stories. My skills should be like wine, it gets better with increasing age but, my wine kinda stopped aging. heeeh.
When a ghost possesses a human's body, that human will become like a zombie. Except that it won't spread to others rapidly but it's still contagious. So, as long you're strong spiritually, you can touch them or hold them but you have to always be on your toes because who knows when will your Iman dwindle...the ghost might come for you next.
And tonight, I forgot what I wanted to write down. Something to do with the level of Iman too.
It's just that when you do bad things, what do you think is the reason for it? Is it because your iman is low or...because you got tempted by the devil? Both answers seem right but to me it havens different meaning.
Of course, it's all related to each other like a big circuit. But maybe we can deviate a little bit from the circuit.
Last but not least, I'll try my best to continue writing stories. My skills should be like wine, it gets better with increasing age but, my wine kinda stopped aging. heeeh.
Monday 15 October 2018
Learning to Love
You may not believe it but the moment I started thinking for myself, I found it hard to love. It was difficult to love my family, my friends or even myself. I started with quite a dry heart.
The only thing I could effortlessly love was, a boy. Whether it was my kpop bias, or my crush. I loved them more than I loved my family.
At first I was okay with this. It was fun, talking about boys and not thinking about what really matters like my family or my studies. But as my brain's frontal lobe (it's where our thoughts are made) started maturing, I found this disgusting. But my condition wasn't going to change by itself. I had to do something to turn things around. To add more volume to my heart.
This is where I learnt to love. I loved the easy and maybe disgusting things first, then I used that feeling to love something that I want to love. Why? Because no matter who or what we love, the love itself is just the same feeling. So we can manipulate the love to go wherever we want it to go. Sounds incredible doesn't it?
Okay, maybe that was hard to digest. I'll give you an example.
As I told you, at first, I loved my crush more than my family. So I know what loving my crush felt like. But the important thing is, you have to venture deep into your feelings. Like, what are you willing to do for him or... I think I have to study further about this. The gist is, search into YOUR love, what makes love, love. How do you know that it's love?
When you finally get it, use that on the things that you want. In this case I used it on my family. Like, if loving my crush means I want to bake cookies for him, I'll bake cookies for my family. If loving my bias means I want to sacrifice my time for him, I'll sacrifice my times for my family. Soon, your brain will be tricked into thinking 'ah, so I love my family.'
You have to get what love means and start with the action. Sooner or later, the love will come and you'll be happier knowing that you naturally love your family.
It may not be the same case for everyone. Maybe not everyone wants to love their family that much, but for me, I have this image of me that I want to become. And in that image, I'm a person who prioritizes my family more than other people. And every second, I work hard to become this ideal image of myself. I'm chasing the illusion of me that I myself created. Disclaimer : of course, everything comes from Allah.
And the point of this post is, loving Allah. It's hard to love Allah, right? Maybe someone finds it easy, but for me it's very difficult. To keep Allah in mind all the time, to love Allah more than your parents...
but your brain can be tricked. To love Allah, I use every ounce of love that I have, every kind of how love should be, and try loving Allah.
So when I was younger, I had a crush. I thought about him all the time. But then this penceramah said, "If you love Allah, you should be thinking of him all the time."
And I thought, oh, just like how I thought of my crush. So I tried to think of Allah all the time, even when I'm doing bad things. I thought of how Allah would hate me, and how I shamelessly live on this earth while ignoring His orders. Anyhow, I just think of Allah.
I'm not sure whether the love for Allah has already existed in my heart or not, but sooner or later, I believe it will come.
The only thing I could effortlessly love was, a boy. Whether it was my kpop bias, or my crush. I loved them more than I loved my family.
At first I was okay with this. It was fun, talking about boys and not thinking about what really matters like my family or my studies. But as my brain's frontal lobe (it's where our thoughts are made) started maturing, I found this disgusting. But my condition wasn't going to change by itself. I had to do something to turn things around. To add more volume to my heart.
This is where I learnt to love. I loved the easy and maybe disgusting things first, then I used that feeling to love something that I want to love. Why? Because no matter who or what we love, the love itself is just the same feeling. So we can manipulate the love to go wherever we want it to go. Sounds incredible doesn't it?
Okay, maybe that was hard to digest. I'll give you an example.
As I told you, at first, I loved my crush more than my family. So I know what loving my crush felt like. But the important thing is, you have to venture deep into your feelings. Like, what are you willing to do for him or... I think I have to study further about this. The gist is, search into YOUR love, what makes love, love. How do you know that it's love?
When you finally get it, use that on the things that you want. In this case I used it on my family. Like, if loving my crush means I want to bake cookies for him, I'll bake cookies for my family. If loving my bias means I want to sacrifice my time for him, I'll sacrifice my times for my family. Soon, your brain will be tricked into thinking 'ah, so I love my family.'
You have to get what love means and start with the action. Sooner or later, the love will come and you'll be happier knowing that you naturally love your family.
It may not be the same case for everyone. Maybe not everyone wants to love their family that much, but for me, I have this image of me that I want to become. And in that image, I'm a person who prioritizes my family more than other people. And every second, I work hard to become this ideal image of myself. I'm chasing the illusion of me that I myself created. Disclaimer : of course, everything comes from Allah.
And the point of this post is, loving Allah. It's hard to love Allah, right? Maybe someone finds it easy, but for me it's very difficult. To keep Allah in mind all the time, to love Allah more than your parents...
but your brain can be tricked. To love Allah, I use every ounce of love that I have, every kind of how love should be, and try loving Allah.
So when I was younger, I had a crush. I thought about him all the time. But then this penceramah said, "If you love Allah, you should be thinking of him all the time."
And I thought, oh, just like how I thought of my crush. So I tried to think of Allah all the time, even when I'm doing bad things. I thought of how Allah would hate me, and how I shamelessly live on this earth while ignoring His orders. Anyhow, I just think of Allah.
I'm not sure whether the love for Allah has already existed in my heart or not, but sooner or later, I believe it will come.
Thursday 11 October 2018
my dream?
So about my dream, you saw that picture of Koolau mountains, Hawaii right? I saw something almost similar in my dream.
So in that dream, me and my family was together at the start. But then , we went through this lonely road and everything started going haywire.
so we got separated and I was alone. I walked through this road alone, and it was dark. Like dusk. I hate that. It's like, the scariest time for me.
Then when I walked on that road, I felt my energy being drained from me. And then out of a sudden a very thin,seriously malnourished tiger jumped on the road and started running. I got scared because I thought it was gonna target me but it kept in running forward in front of me. THEN, a donkey, very malnourished too jumped on the road too and started running after the tiger!
What the hell?!
It didn't only do that. It jumped on the tiger and bite the tiger down and immediately I got scared of the donkey. very scary.
and at the end of road, there's a place that sells car. And that place is full of lies.
So in that dream, me and my family was together at the start. But then , we went through this lonely road and everything started going haywire.
so we got separated and I was alone. I walked through this road alone, and it was dark. Like dusk. I hate that. It's like, the scariest time for me.
Then when I walked on that road, I felt my energy being drained from me. And then out of a sudden a very thin,seriously malnourished tiger jumped on the road and started running. I got scared because I thought it was gonna target me but it kept in running forward in front of me. THEN, a donkey, very malnourished too jumped on the road too and started running after the tiger!
What the hell?!
It didn't only do that. It jumped on the tiger and bite the tiger down and immediately I got scared of the donkey. very scary.
and at the end of road, there's a place that sells car. And that place is full of lies.
Monday 8 October 2018
Not so motivated
yayy I'm feeling down againnn
It's not that I crave being sad or feeling lazy all the time. But sometimes, I wish I can be tired. So that I can just stay low and just observe and assess my surroundings.
I don't remember my dreams too much lately. Guess it's nothing big.
This week I have to present about the blood supply of the brain and what could go wrong and how to treat it. Because in this trigger the patient have difficulty to stand and talk because the blood supply to the brain got blocked, so some of her brain cells can't function well. And the cause of it all is hypertension.
So remember guys, don't stress stress. tho in this trigger, the cause of hypertension may not be stress. It might be because of her diet , plus she's already 50.
Anyway, what I learned was, something small can lead to something big. Because usually, it's that small thing that connects all the big thing.
And one more!
sexual harassment cases in hospitals? So last week, a doctor briefed us on that topic and it happened a lot. And usually, the victims can't really talk about it because
1. It has been normalized
2. The victim doesn't even know that it's a sexual harassment
3. They don't know where to go.
From the short briefing, I believe that, now we know. So, if anything happens in the future, we will know what to do. And the most important thing is, don't turn a blind eye on something. Not just in the case of sexual harassment but also in other things. If you think a problem is going on, please help yourself. So that you won't feel a bigger remorse.
Turning a blind eye is a crime in itself.
It's not that I crave being sad or feeling lazy all the time. But sometimes, I wish I can be tired. So that I can just stay low and just observe and assess my surroundings.
I don't remember my dreams too much lately. Guess it's nothing big.
This week I have to present about the blood supply of the brain and what could go wrong and how to treat it. Because in this trigger the patient have difficulty to stand and talk because the blood supply to the brain got blocked, so some of her brain cells can't function well. And the cause of it all is hypertension.
So remember guys, don't stress stress. tho in this trigger, the cause of hypertension may not be stress. It might be because of her diet , plus she's already 50.
Anyway, what I learned was, something small can lead to something big. Because usually, it's that small thing that connects all the big thing.
And one more!
sexual harassment cases in hospitals? So last week, a doctor briefed us on that topic and it happened a lot. And usually, the victims can't really talk about it because
1. It has been normalized
2. The victim doesn't even know that it's a sexual harassment
3. They don't know where to go.
From the short briefing, I believe that, now we know. So, if anything happens in the future, we will know what to do. And the most important thing is, don't turn a blind eye on something. Not just in the case of sexual harassment but also in other things. If you think a problem is going on, please help yourself. So that you won't feel a bigger remorse.
Turning a blind eye is a crime in itself.
Monday 1 October 2018
Yo.
I haven't been updating much. But I guess I'm doing fine?
I miss typing like crazy. My last presentation I copy pasted everything, I know that is not right but will you let me off just this once?
Lately, I've started watching k-dramas so the animes got pushed to the back a lil bit (with my studies being at the very back). I'm not proud of this,
I miss typing like crazy. My last presentation I copy pasted everything, I know that is not right but will you let me off just this once?
Lately, I've started watching k-dramas so the animes got pushed to the back a lil bit (with my studies being at the very back). I'm not proud of this,
Monday 17 September 2018
2nd year
So hey, new sem started and I'm like a deer in front of a headlight.
I haven't quite collected myself yet, it's here and there, pieces of me. My mind is still at home with my sister.
My home is not my house anymore. I just realized that recently.
I have a lot to memorize and am still procrastinating. I know I shouldn't do this but laziness, you know?
It's impossible without revising. I'm gonna do it. Tomorrow. Because now is not the suitable time.
I have an idea. What about I expose my family to the social media? hahahahaha that sounds a lot like selling your family off for some fame.
So I'm not gonna do it. Sorry.
I haven't quite collected myself yet, it's here and there, pieces of me. My mind is still at home with my sister.
My home is not my house anymore. I just realized that recently.
I have a lot to memorize and am still procrastinating. I know I shouldn't do this but laziness, you know?
It's impossible without revising. I'm gonna do it. Tomorrow. Because now is not the suitable time.
I have an idea. What about I expose my family to the social media? hahahahaha that sounds a lot like selling your family off for some fame.
So I'm not gonna do it. Sorry.
Tuesday 4 September 2018
The Interview
The interview for this thing im studying.
First they gave me a situation and asked what I would do. So the situation is,
You are riding a bike, carrying an envelop that has RM2000 in it, and heading to a welfare center. The money is intended for people who lost their homes in a disaster that occurred recently. While riding, the money envelop slipped and fell on the road and you saw someone picking the envelop up after it fell down. You turned back and went to that person but that person said she didn't know anything.
So my answer was, dropping the money was my fault, stealing the money from me was her fault. So I'd interrogate her politely until she confesses (because I searched for the money already and it wasn't there) . As for my fault, I'd pay the RM2000 myself to the best of my ability. Maybe sell the bike I was riding.
Next station, I walked into the room and had to play a role. So, my role was, an inconsiderate friend who posted something insensitive online about this one friend and now that friend has cut off all contacts and gone off radar. Now, his sister is meeting me to ask for my explanation, maybe.
What I did : At first I defended myself but that clearly wasn't working so I acted like someone who made a mistake, admitted my mistake and apologized (repeatedly till that actress got nothing more to say and just stared at me in anger), then promised to find her little brother until he's found. and when he's found i'll apologize to him. maybe i forgot to tell her that i'd delete the post.
Next station is to test our empathy. So they just gave this situation with people in it and ask us to describe what each of the character was feeling. Trust me, this station was a piece of cake. And the interviewer was nice.
Next is the hardest station imo. They tested our knowledge about medic course. I stuttered a lot, shit, I didn't prepare for this hahah. Funny, right? I dived into a war without the most important weapon.
Last station, we had to talk about ourselves. I didn't do that well either. The interviewer asked what differentiates me from other people and I answered I can write things. And tried to explain how good I am at writing (when I myself know the truth) Then he asked, which secondary school you went to? and I answered. Then he said, that school got UA program right? And I said yes so he said that's what differentiates me. That I memorize the Quran and for a minute I had to sit back and think "what?"
So that's it. I admit, I got inspiration from reading other people's blogs. Sorry not sorry.
Expressing oneself
One thing I've always admired...How do you guys express yourself? How do you send a message to the other party of your true feelings? I think I'm so used to concealing my feelings that I don't really know how to communicate normally. I'm so used to being on the receiving ends (read : being nagged at)
And another thing, why is my personality online is different from when I'm offline? Which is the real me?
But those aren't really important. What's important is not being a burden to other people.
Do you know how hard it is to start doing something without being pushed? I can't even write an essay, a freaking essay, without a deadline.
That is trouble, don't you think?
And this song Silhouette by Kana Boon is really good. It's Naruto's opening song. I've been looking forward to it since I started watching Naruto. How I held back from listening to this song. Crazy how I unnecessarily restrain myself.
Look I end up talking about myself again. I've told myself again and again not to do this in my blog.
!
And another thing, why is my personality online is different from when I'm offline? Which is the real me?
But those aren't really important. What's important is not being a burden to other people.
Do you know how hard it is to start doing something without being pushed? I can't even write an essay, a freaking essay, without a deadline.
That is trouble, don't you think?
And this song Silhouette by Kana Boon is really good. It's Naruto's opening song. I've been looking forward to it since I started watching Naruto. How I held back from listening to this song. Crazy how I unnecessarily restrain myself.
Look I end up talking about myself again. I've told myself again and again not to do this in my blog.
!
Thursday 16 August 2018
Waiting for a new member.
The brightness of this desukutoppu is torturing me which is why I'll just look at the keyboard while typing this.
So you guessed it. I'm waiting for a new family member. We are. And today kinda make me feel more responsible towards my family and the condition of the house. It encourages me to take care of them more and must I say I feel so happy today.
I don't know what will happen in the future but we take it slow. One at a time. We are just humans, no need to expect the unexpected or whatever. Our brain don't have the ability of predicting the future so just take in what you can from the past and present. Leave the future to Allah the Almighty.
So you guessed it. I'm waiting for a new family member. We are. And today kinda make me feel more responsible towards my family and the condition of the house. It encourages me to take care of them more and must I say I feel so happy today.
I don't know what will happen in the future but we take it slow. One at a time. We are just humans, no need to expect the unexpected or whatever. Our brain don't have the ability of predicting the future so just take in what you can from the past and present. Leave the future to Allah the Almighty.
Tuesday 14 August 2018
hoho
I feel so satisfied today. There's not much chores to be done and I got to relax all I want, alone.
But there are times I feel so lonely, so I watch creepy videos on youtube so I don't feel so alone. Yes, I took that suggestion seriously.
And now I'm listening to Taemin's ballad songs. I like his voice. It's like a lullaby.
I should give up on my crush. Not that I've been making any effort. It's just, maybe it's time to really move on. But maybe I want to meet him just one last time before moving on. Because I know, when I meet him, he'll still be the way he was and I'll be disappointed, as always, and then I can move on.
But there are times I feel so lonely, so I watch creepy videos on youtube so I don't feel so alone. Yes, I took that suggestion seriously.
And now I'm listening to Taemin's ballad songs. I like his voice. It's like a lullaby.
I should give up on my crush. Not that I've been making any effort. It's just, maybe it's time to really move on. But maybe I want to meet him just one last time before moving on. Because I know, when I meet him, he'll still be the way he was and I'll be disappointed, as always, and then I can move on.
Pawns
You know those times you feel like you're the only one who's right and no one else has the chance to top you in your rightness???
In those times, you should stay quiet. Or if you want to talk, just let out a bit. Don't let it all goooo and hurt innocent people.
So what I'm going to say right now is, let's not be a pawn in someone else's game okay?
Someone else? Who?
Umm, anyone who's not you?
According to Shikamaru and his sensei that is Asuma sensei, it is okay to be a pawn in our own game where we can also be the King. CAN not A MUST. Because Shikamaru said, he's a pawn and it's the pawns job to protect the King, and the King is the unborn babies that will carry on the Will of Fire.
Beautiful, right?
And wars... I hate wars. Real life wars or internet wars...
Reading other people's blogs, I got some inspiration. They talk about their experience visiting new places, they post pictures and it's very interesting. But you see, I'm a lame person. My interest is not the same as the mainstream's interest so it's very hard gaining a follower. Who would want to explore what's in my mind after all, right?
I also think of doing the same but I have no experience that I can share. And look, I tend to overwrite things.
In those times, you should stay quiet. Or if you want to talk, just let out a bit. Don't let it all goooo and hurt innocent people.
So what I'm going to say right now is, let's not be a pawn in someone else's game okay?
Someone else? Who?
Umm, anyone who's not you?
According to Shikamaru and his sensei that is Asuma sensei, it is okay to be a pawn in our own game where we can also be the King. CAN not A MUST. Because Shikamaru said, he's a pawn and it's the pawns job to protect the King, and the King is the unborn babies that will carry on the Will of Fire.
Beautiful, right?
And wars... I hate wars. Real life wars or internet wars...
Reading other people's blogs, I got some inspiration. They talk about their experience visiting new places, they post pictures and it's very interesting. But you see, I'm a lame person. My interest is not the same as the mainstream's interest so it's very hard gaining a follower. Who would want to explore what's in my mind after all, right?
I also think of doing the same but I have no experience that I can share. And look, I tend to overwrite things.
Monday 13 August 2018
Priority
Who needs wisdom after all? Money is more important.
But I don't want to pick a fight with anyone. It seems that I'm only willing to argue with my family and not anyone else. I can tell my family what I think is right until it annoys them but I won't do that with anyone else. I wonder why.
I put the link to this blog on my twitter profile. You know why? Because it's quite hidden. It's there for everyone to see but not everyone will see it. Because not everyone, and I think no one will want to look at my twitter profile, right? Unless it's their first time following me, and all my friends have done followed me already. So there's no issue as my friends finding out about this blog EASILY.
There is a chance they might know cause I slipped up a few times. During those times I was emotionally tired and feel like telling everyone everything. Should never do that okay? Take it as a life lesson.
And I think I want to add some thing more to this blog. Like, more knowledge. Because if I want to post knowledge-y things I have to have knowledge myself, right? So it's a way of improving myself. I think of nothing else but to feel better about myself. Trust me.
I hope I won't be too busy once new sem starts.
But I don't want to pick a fight with anyone. It seems that I'm only willing to argue with my family and not anyone else. I can tell my family what I think is right until it annoys them but I won't do that with anyone else. I wonder why.
I put the link to this blog on my twitter profile. You know why? Because it's quite hidden. It's there for everyone to see but not everyone will see it. Because not everyone, and I think no one will want to look at my twitter profile, right? Unless it's their first time following me, and all my friends have done followed me already. So there's no issue as my friends finding out about this blog EASILY.
There is a chance they might know cause I slipped up a few times. During those times I was emotionally tired and feel like telling everyone everything. Should never do that okay? Take it as a life lesson.
And I think I want to add some thing more to this blog. Like, more knowledge. Because if I want to post knowledge-y things I have to have knowledge myself, right? So it's a way of improving myself. I think of nothing else but to feel better about myself. Trust me.
I hope I won't be too busy once new sem starts.
Sunday 12 August 2018
Unplanned Discovery
Have you guys ever farted and think , 'wow, is this why God created farts?' because it feels so good and releases all the stress that were kept in your mind and body over the long years of you living?
I'm not sure if farts is as normal as pooping, but I think it's unfair to accept poop but not farts.
"Mom, look at me. I'm writing about the goodness of farting in my blog like I have nothing else to do."
And, I think I fell in love with Matpat. *putting matpat under the list of favorite youtubers*
Maybe I just love it when poeple voice out their thoughts. Like what Ryan Higa and Matpat do! They think about something and tell their opinions about it. And it's not boring. Plus they're handsome. yep.
Even when watching a countdown like, 5 creepiest videos on youtube, I don't like it if the voiceover is just describing things that I can already see and deduct myself. YOU as a youtuber must crack a joke or even put out your own theory on that video. It's more interesting , right?
And yeah, I haven't written any draft yet. Remember when I said I wanted to write a book? Yeah, let it stay a dream.
The weather has been cold lately. It'll be colder when the new sem starts.
When my self-esteem shrinks, I tend to hide.
Monday 6 August 2018
Off the road?
So, since Ryan Higa's show is called "off the pill" and it's because he hadn't taken the pill for his ADHD yet, I can't name this entry "off the pill" as well cause I'm not taking any medications. I'll just name it off the road because that's what I want to do granted this world is free of serial killers lurking in the dark.
why did I mention Ryan Higa? Cause he's my favorite youtuber!
Also, my entries are rarely given a specific title or topic because of my impulsiveness. I do things on impulse, it's not that much planned after all.
But one thing that's on my mind lately is, more like today, is (another is, and yet another is) Game Theory. That shit is scary but it's filtered a little bit. It makes my mind wander and look at other things in a new light. Yeah, like how I look at that dark corner and imagined a living creepy robot. I'm actually glad I don't play games.
ah, i have to register my courses.
By the way, I don't know how will I live through tomorrow. I can't open the door cause my cat will get out and wander and got lost. It's too troublesome to search for him so let's prevent it from happening.
I should name most of my entries as "On An Impulse" and "yet another impulse" or "unplanned discovery" .
Oh yeah! I originally wanted to tell you guys that I have another blog but it can't be revealed because there's a lot of stupid things in it. Why am I mentioning it then? Just wanted to tell you that, I didn't create this blog to copy my friends. I created a blog because one day,
Father : Kaknis ado blog?
Me : Takdok.
Father : Ehhh mano buleh anok pegawai IT takdok blog. Mudoh jah buat blog.
At first, I treated it as a diary. And my father followed that blog so I can't tell anything in there. Which is why I created another blog. And I expectedly matured over the years and I hope I'm finally doing things right.
why did I mention Ryan Higa? Cause he's my favorite youtuber!
Also, my entries are rarely given a specific title or topic because of my impulsiveness. I do things on impulse, it's not that much planned after all.
But one thing that's on my mind lately is, more like today, is (another is, and yet another is) Game Theory. That shit is scary but it's filtered a little bit. It makes my mind wander and look at other things in a new light. Yeah, like how I look at that dark corner and imagined a living creepy robot. I'm actually glad I don't play games.
ah, i have to register my courses.
By the way, I don't know how will I live through tomorrow. I can't open the door cause my cat will get out and wander and got lost. It's too troublesome to search for him so let's prevent it from happening.
I should name most of my entries as "On An Impulse" and "yet another impulse" or "unplanned discovery" .
Oh yeah! I originally wanted to tell you guys that I have another blog but it can't be revealed because there's a lot of stupid things in it. Why am I mentioning it then? Just wanted to tell you that, I didn't create this blog to copy my friends. I created a blog because one day,
Father : Kaknis ado blog?
Me : Takdok.
Father : Ehhh mano buleh anok pegawai IT takdok blog. Mudoh jah buat blog.
At first, I treated it as a diary. And my father followed that blog so I can't tell anything in there. Which is why I created another blog. And I expectedly matured over the years and I hope I'm finally doing things right.
Sunday 29 July 2018
Sweet Monday, isn't it?
I came here without any purpose in mind. Just wanna tell ya that my kitten is sick. Pray for him.
You might think that I always blabber about the smallest matters. Well, I can't possibly brag about my big big problems openly, right?
And yeah, I think that my kitten being sick is a small matter because I believe in its recuperating ability. But I'm also worried at the same time. Is there no doctor that can cure him? I really want him to live a long long life.
So I went to my friend's house and honestly, one day isn't enough to catch up on things. And I don't know when else can we meet. With other friends too. :(
Please, don't take my cat away from me yet. Pretty please with a cherry on top.
hmmm....
I should stop making this a habit. Typing without anything in mind and end up talking endlessly about nothing. But when I choose a topic, I find my thinking field to be very limited and that bothers me a lot. Even doing maths problems, my teacher (or was it my father?) told me not to put a line at the end of the calculation so that my thinking won't be limited. Or at least that was what I comprehended at the age of 7.
You might think that I always blabber about the smallest matters. Well, I can't possibly brag about my big big problems openly, right?
And yeah, I think that my kitten being sick is a small matter because I believe in its recuperating ability. But I'm also worried at the same time. Is there no doctor that can cure him? I really want him to live a long long life.
So I went to my friend's house and honestly, one day isn't enough to catch up on things. And I don't know when else can we meet. With other friends too. :(
Please, don't take my cat away from me yet. Pretty please with a cherry on top.
hmmm....
I should stop making this a habit. Typing without anything in mind and end up talking endlessly about nothing. But when I choose a topic, I find my thinking field to be very limited and that bothers me a lot. Even doing maths problems, my teacher (or was it my father?) told me not to put a line at the end of the calculation so that my thinking won't be limited. Or at least that was what I comprehended at the age of 7.
Monday 23 July 2018
Medical student?
Honestly, after being a medical student for a whole year, I still can't tell anything about it yet. I don't really know what differentiates me from other courses at this point of my studying year yet. Sure, you have to memorize things a lot, but other courses also have to do that.
So, there's nothing special about being a medical student...yet.
But this kind of thinking may also be caused by my lack of enthusiasm . I'm not really interested in becoming a doctor yet, so that may be why I don't hype anything up.
Don't misunderstand. I'm not saying being a doctor or a medical student is bad. It's great even. It forces you to grow up and think for yourself as well as for others. You also have to build your social skills so it is really good for people who think that they have social anxiety. Like, you want to be a doctor but you have social anxiety? No problem. Your 5 years of study will cure you of your problem and you can become a more outstanding member of society. Only if you want to fix yourself.
But there is also the problem with passing the interviews. blah. Just pray and if it's your rezeki you'll pass.
My teacher in secondary school said that, only the studious type of students can be a doctor.
I can say that that is wrong. Because if you only study, you don't have time to talk to people and I must say the number one important skill in becoming a doctor is communication skills.
I have also seen a houseman stuttering in front of the medical officer, not able to answer the MO's question and eventually humiliated in front of the patient and some medical students. Very embarrassing. I've made it my life goal not to turn into someone like him.
What I think I'm doing so far is, I'm trying to think like a doctor. You know, so that when I become a doctor, I don't have to refer to any book to figure out what I'm going to do next. I want to have that doctor reflex. hahahah
I'm also wondering, how can a doctor remember everything? Do they have good memory? Do they study all the time? Do they see a lot of patients?
But not to worry, because that one time, a doctor had to refer to a book to ask us questions. Meaning that, being a doctor, you don't have to remember everything THAT accurately. Just enough to not disturb your thinking process.
Have you ever experienced it? I'm betting a lot of times. When you're doing your homework, you really want to solve this problem, but you just can't remember one step of the calculation. Just one step and you can't solve the whole problem.
I think I'll stop here today. I just wanted to write about this because I watched a Chinese drama and the main character became a doctor. So it just triggered something in me. hahah, bye. btw, Jiangchen is so handsome and cute, i love him.
So, there's nothing special about being a medical student...yet.
But this kind of thinking may also be caused by my lack of enthusiasm . I'm not really interested in becoming a doctor yet, so that may be why I don't hype anything up.
Don't misunderstand. I'm not saying being a doctor or a medical student is bad. It's great even. It forces you to grow up and think for yourself as well as for others. You also have to build your social skills so it is really good for people who think that they have social anxiety. Like, you want to be a doctor but you have social anxiety? No problem. Your 5 years of study will cure you of your problem and you can become a more outstanding member of society. Only if you want to fix yourself.
But there is also the problem with passing the interviews. blah. Just pray and if it's your rezeki you'll pass.
My teacher in secondary school said that, only the studious type of students can be a doctor.
I can say that that is wrong. Because if you only study, you don't have time to talk to people and I must say the number one important skill in becoming a doctor is communication skills.
I have also seen a houseman stuttering in front of the medical officer, not able to answer the MO's question and eventually humiliated in front of the patient and some medical students. Very embarrassing. I've made it my life goal not to turn into someone like him.
What I think I'm doing so far is, I'm trying to think like a doctor. You know, so that when I become a doctor, I don't have to refer to any book to figure out what I'm going to do next. I want to have that doctor reflex. hahahah
I'm also wondering, how can a doctor remember everything? Do they have good memory? Do they study all the time? Do they see a lot of patients?
But not to worry, because that one time, a doctor had to refer to a book to ask us questions. Meaning that, being a doctor, you don't have to remember everything THAT accurately. Just enough to not disturb your thinking process.
Have you ever experienced it? I'm betting a lot of times. When you're doing your homework, you really want to solve this problem, but you just can't remember one step of the calculation. Just one step and you can't solve the whole problem.
I think I'll stop here today. I just wanted to write about this because I watched a Chinese drama and the main character became a doctor. So it just triggered something in me. hahah, bye. btw, Jiangchen is so handsome and cute, i love him.
Tuesday 17 July 2018
Excuse me miss,
Being a pawn in someone's game means you act exactly how the player wants you to. It does not mean you saying yes to everything. That kind of person we call it Yes Man.
I can say that the thing that I hate the most in this life is being played. I don't like it even if it comes from my parents or even if it's for the good of everyone.
Being played means someone is much smarter, cleverer and cunning than you that he/she is able to think of how to make you act how he/she wants. AND I cannot accept that someone is using me to his own benefits. or even for my own benefits.
You want me to achieve something? You want me to be successful? Well then, TELL ME. You don't have to think of a plan, or exploit my weakness or strength.
If I so much as know that you're doing something just so that I will do something, for example, you're scolding me when in reality, you don't even feel like scolding me. So, you're scolding me just so that I would come to my senses and realize what I'm doing is wrong. You're saying bad things to me, just so that I will find the strength to fight back.
THAT IS WHAT I HATE THE MOST. Do not ever think that you are so cunning and powerful that you can manipulate me into being someone that YOU want me to be. If I know your real intention (if I don't know it's fine la, but usually I know) I won't react to it. So to say, your manipulation is not working. AND I WILL DO EVERYTHING TO SHOW THAT I AM NOT BEING USED.
well in today's context, politics. People, we must be careful so that we are not used by someone who is selfish and does not think of our country at all. Do not be their pawn.
How are you being their pawn? well, that is for you to think. I can't say much because everyone has their own opinions.
That's all from me, thank you.
I can say that the thing that I hate the most in this life is being played. I don't like it even if it comes from my parents or even if it's for the good of everyone.
Being played means someone is much smarter, cleverer and cunning than you that he/she is able to think of how to make you act how he/she wants. AND I cannot accept that someone is using me to his own benefits. or even for my own benefits.
You want me to achieve something? You want me to be successful? Well then, TELL ME. You don't have to think of a plan, or exploit my weakness or strength.
If I so much as know that you're doing something just so that I will do something, for example, you're scolding me when in reality, you don't even feel like scolding me. So, you're scolding me just so that I would come to my senses and realize what I'm doing is wrong. You're saying bad things to me, just so that I will find the strength to fight back.
THAT IS WHAT I HATE THE MOST. Do not ever think that you are so cunning and powerful that you can manipulate me into being someone that YOU want me to be. If I know your real intention (if I don't know it's fine la, but usually I know) I won't react to it. So to say, your manipulation is not working. AND I WILL DO EVERYTHING TO SHOW THAT I AM NOT BEING USED.
well in today's context, politics. People, we must be careful so that we are not used by someone who is selfish and does not think of our country at all. Do not be their pawn.
How are you being their pawn? well, that is for you to think. I can't say much because everyone has their own opinions.
That's all from me, thank you.
Friday 8 June 2018
I haven't updated in a long time and now I'm doing it in a dark place that is my room where I can simply turn on the light but choose not to because, just because.
In a few days, Ramadhan will end and Syawal will come. *sighs*
I still have a lot of thing to be done. Today, I have about 11 lecture notes to be studied.
HOW THE HECK AM I GOING TO MANAGE
But I have to manage.
I just want to feel good about myself. Stop feeling like a loser. And to do that, I just have to stop comparing.
At least, I'm still a student with not much responsibilities. When we go to work environment, we also have to be responsible for other people.
okay then, time for short break is nearing the end. so, bye.
In a few days, Ramadhan will end and Syawal will come. *sighs*
I still have a lot of thing to be done. Today, I have about 11 lecture notes to be studied.
HOW THE HECK AM I GOING TO MANAGE
But I have to manage.
I just want to feel good about myself. Stop feeling like a loser. And to do that, I just have to stop comparing.
At least, I'm still a student with not much responsibilities. When we go to work environment, we also have to be responsible for other people.
okay then, time for short break is nearing the end. so, bye.
Thursday 3 May 2018
Persuading myself.
I would like my husband to not like anime too.
But he should understand. He doesn't like it, but he understands me and respects what I like.
Just imagine if he's also an anime lover, that means, we would be equally weird and what if one day we do weird things together. Like, there's nobody to stop us. We only have each other and we're not even thinking correctly, like who will stop us at that time?
And the result is, we would be shunned in society. I DO NOT WANT THAT.
If I'm weird, my husband should be normal. If I'm normal, my husband should be weird. That's what I think.
It may look like I'm depending on my husband. Well, yes.
So I've been thinking and it looks like my ramblings here are useless after all. What to do, I'm not that useful in real life as well. But I'll try to change it. Seriously. I don't want to stay the same forever. Though it doesn't sound convincing. Hmm, It's not necessary to convince other people anyway. I only have to convince myself.
Please, I want to change. I want to be better. I will be better.
But he should understand. He doesn't like it, but he understands me and respects what I like.
Just imagine if he's also an anime lover, that means, we would be equally weird and what if one day we do weird things together. Like, there's nobody to stop us. We only have each other and we're not even thinking correctly, like who will stop us at that time?
And the result is, we would be shunned in society. I DO NOT WANT THAT.
If I'm weird, my husband should be normal. If I'm normal, my husband should be weird. That's what I think.
It may look like I'm depending on my husband. Well, yes.
So I've been thinking and it looks like my ramblings here are useless after all. What to do, I'm not that useful in real life as well. But I'll try to change it. Seriously. I don't want to stay the same forever. Though it doesn't sound convincing. Hmm, It's not necessary to convince other people anyway. I only have to convince myself.
Please, I want to change. I want to be better. I will be better.
Monday 30 April 2018
Changes I want to make?
I guess, I want to change how people see things.
Sometimes, it is so easy but people tend to make it hard. And it also affects me because one single small fish can't easily go against the stream.
It can't be helped that everyone has a brain and everyone has their own thoughts. But it's frustrating, isn't it? When people just can't understand you.
That's why you need a guide. And whose idea is closer to the guide wins.
Sometimes, it is so easy but people tend to make it hard. And it also affects me because one single small fish can't easily go against the stream.
It can't be helped that everyone has a brain and everyone has their own thoughts. But it's frustrating, isn't it? When people just can't understand you.
That's why you need a guide. And whose idea is closer to the guide wins.
Saturday 28 April 2018
The first time my mom left.
I'm suddenly reminded of the first time my mom left home due to work. I forgot for how many days she left ...but we were all suffering. I also forgot at what age I was at that time but it's less than 5.
At first I was still fine because mom was still there. So, no matter what she said, I was still calm because she was still in my sight. I knew she was going but somehow, I could not think ahead of the time she'll be gone.
Then we went to the bus station to send her off. Yes, at that time my family did not have much money so it's a bit different from our current condition.
Finally, the moment arrived. I saw my mom got on the bus, I was still fine. I waved at the bus, but I could not remember whether I saw her in the bus or not. Then, the bus started to move. My heart started beating differently and I was not able to comprehend anything. I forgot the promises I made to my mom, why I was willing to let her go, everything. Completely forgotten. What I knew at that time was that, she's leaving. It didn't matter that she'll come back but at that very moment, she's leaving.
Before I knew it, I started running after the bus, but could only reach a few steps before my father held me back. My father was very puzzled as before, I was being very supportive and had no problem at all with my mom leaving. Then I cried, and if I was not mistaken, my brother also cried. Yep, my little brother. He was already crying since earlier. I just joined him.
And I'm sure at that time, the most troubled person was my father.
I remember the whole time I was at home, I kept on asking when is mom gonna come back. Every corner in the house reminded me of her.
After a few days, it was time to pick her up at the bus station again! And what I thought was "oh, she's only gone for a moment. It was useless for me to worry too much."
We went to pick her up at the bus station and if my father didn't tell my mom that I cried, my mom would never knew about it.
And that is the story of the first time my mom left me.
At first I was still fine because mom was still there. So, no matter what she said, I was still calm because she was still in my sight. I knew she was going but somehow, I could not think ahead of the time she'll be gone.
Then we went to the bus station to send her off. Yes, at that time my family did not have much money so it's a bit different from our current condition.
Finally, the moment arrived. I saw my mom got on the bus, I was still fine. I waved at the bus, but I could not remember whether I saw her in the bus or not. Then, the bus started to move. My heart started beating differently and I was not able to comprehend anything. I forgot the promises I made to my mom, why I was willing to let her go, everything. Completely forgotten. What I knew at that time was that, she's leaving. It didn't matter that she'll come back but at that very moment, she's leaving.
Before I knew it, I started running after the bus, but could only reach a few steps before my father held me back. My father was very puzzled as before, I was being very supportive and had no problem at all with my mom leaving. Then I cried, and if I was not mistaken, my brother also cried. Yep, my little brother. He was already crying since earlier. I just joined him.
And I'm sure at that time, the most troubled person was my father.
I remember the whole time I was at home, I kept on asking when is mom gonna come back. Every corner in the house reminded me of her.
After a few days, it was time to pick her up at the bus station again! And what I thought was "oh, she's only gone for a moment. It was useless for me to worry too much."
We went to pick her up at the bus station and if my father didn't tell my mom that I cried, my mom would never knew about it.
And that is the story of the first time my mom left me.
Friday 27 April 2018
hey
Mom, I did everything I could but why don't they like me? Why won't they approach me when I'm alone and needed a company? Yes, one did but that's because she's thankful to me, i guess.
I'm fine if that is they way it is, but when another person was in the same situation I was earlier, they surrounded her just fine.
But still, I'm thankful for the few people who kept me company :') and for that girl who kept on eating the buah yang I potong dengan tak cantiknya.
I understand the feeling of seeing someone enjoying our cooking.
Saturday 21 April 2018
Claustrophobia or not?
At first I was sure that I was claustrophobic but now not anymore because I searched and it said that claustrophobic is when you feel anxiety when you're in an enclosed space. But what I felt was slightly different.
I usually feel it when I'm in an unwanted situations. Such as I'm in a place where there are a lot of people, I'm just following without any thoughts, I remain standing for too long and that's it I think.
I'll feel hot, not the burning one but as if you're wearing layered clothes on a hot day. Then it'll feel like I can't see too far. Like my vision is narrowing, I can't focus on anything. My hearing will also be blocked and I'll hear like a loud and long beeping sound it goes beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. It'll also feel like I'm under water, you know, the way all sounds are blocked. Then my legs will want to unbuckle. Is it correct to use that word?
Ah, I'll also feel like my eyes are gradually sinking. My vision at that time...at first it's still normal. But then everything gets brighter and then the brightness turns to yellow. Then I'll see yellow, everything is yellow. And if I don't find a place to sit, the intensity will increase until eventually, I'll black out. Or is it yellow out? hahah.
Then when I sit, I feel like my legs are continuously thanking me and then it'll feel like my legs are deteriorating. At that time I'll feel a little bit of pain. Just a little bit. Until it gets better again. After that, my energy will come back to me and I can be cheerful like usual again. I can even walk miles after that. As long as I walk. But if I continued doing what I was doing when I became like that then it'll happen again.
There was also a time when that happens, I felt I could not breathe. So, I look at the sky because at that time it was about to rain. But when I look at the sky, it felt so peaceful maybe because the sky is so wide and it was about to rain so the air is cooler. At least at that time it was. I took a deep breath and felt better again.
So that's it. I don't know whether it's claustrophobia or not because I'm fine with little space. What I'm not fine with is being surrounded by a lot of people.
I usually feel it when I'm in an unwanted situations. Such as I'm in a place where there are a lot of people, I'm just following without any thoughts, I remain standing for too long and that's it I think.
I'll feel hot, not the burning one but as if you're wearing layered clothes on a hot day. Then it'll feel like I can't see too far. Like my vision is narrowing, I can't focus on anything. My hearing will also be blocked and I'll hear like a loud and long beeping sound it goes beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. It'll also feel like I'm under water, you know, the way all sounds are blocked. Then my legs will want to unbuckle. Is it correct to use that word?
Ah, I'll also feel like my eyes are gradually sinking. My vision at that time...at first it's still normal. But then everything gets brighter and then the brightness turns to yellow. Then I'll see yellow, everything is yellow. And if I don't find a place to sit, the intensity will increase until eventually, I'll black out. Or is it yellow out? hahah.
Then when I sit, I feel like my legs are continuously thanking me and then it'll feel like my legs are deteriorating. At that time I'll feel a little bit of pain. Just a little bit. Until it gets better again. After that, my energy will come back to me and I can be cheerful like usual again. I can even walk miles after that. As long as I walk. But if I continued doing what I was doing when I became like that then it'll happen again.
There was also a time when that happens, I felt I could not breathe. So, I look at the sky because at that time it was about to rain. But when I look at the sky, it felt so peaceful maybe because the sky is so wide and it was about to rain so the air is cooler. At least at that time it was. I took a deep breath and felt better again.
So that's it. I don't know whether it's claustrophobia or not because I'm fine with little space. What I'm not fine with is being surrounded by a lot of people.
Friday 20 April 2018
Volunteer
Earlier I went to my teacher's house, and it was so different there. I had to take a long look at those people and ask, are these people from earth? It was so surreal!
Like, they talked with soft voice and their dialogues are too cheesy! The only way you can find people talking like that is in the movies! But that doesn't seem to be the case anymore.
They are the people that realizes their power. They know that their actions can bring changes.
It's good. I'm not saying that they should stop.
It's just too different.
But I don't think I can be like that. Huh, kill me first.
Those people like to be volunteers, they love helping people.
Like, they talked with soft voice and their dialogues are too cheesy! The only way you can find people talking like that is in the movies! But that doesn't seem to be the case anymore.
They are the people that realizes their power. They know that their actions can bring changes.
It's good. I'm not saying that they should stop.
It's just too different.
But I don't think I can be like that. Huh, kill me first.
Those people like to be volunteers, they love helping people.
Tuesday 17 April 2018
yo
To write an essay...hurm.
Taemin is such an admirable person. I wish I can do life like him. Since 2011, I've watched him and just why could I not do it like him? Why didn't I take anything from him?
Taemin is such an admirable person. I wish I can do life like him. Since 2011, I've watched him and just why could I not do it like him? Why didn't I take anything from him?
Monday 9 April 2018
Fear
There was something I've been itching to write about but I forgot about it already.
I've been given a quite an impossible task, but not that impossible. What makes it impossible is that it needs evidence. It's like, I'm going to present it in a court. Hey teachers, do you know that the best informations are usually retrieved from a kedai kopi?
It's midnight.
I want to eat breakfast tomorrow. But I also want to sleep. awh.
Oh! I felt scared, like really scared and now I'm going to write about it.
So I had to cross a big field alone at night, and it was very dark but it wasn't late yet. I had my torchlight on but somehow, I accidentally blocked the light with my finger (due to my extreme fear and paranoia) and it looked as if there was someone behind me. It looked like there was a head.
But that was impossible since the source of light is in front of me, not behind me, and I could not see anyone standing in front of my torchlight.
I did not realize that and I was extremely confused. I was like "Should I be scared or not. It's impossible, right? But what if there is something?" I could not make any decision. My leg moved for a second then stopped for another second and moved again then stopped again. I could not feel anything, I was only focused on the shadow (THAT WAS MADE BY MY OWN FINGER)
and when I realized it was my finger, it's like all the adrenaline is absorbed back in seconds. And it left a feeling of 'lenguh' in my legs. What do you call it? Lembik lutut? You feel extreme fatigue in your legs and dropped to your knee. If I did not control myself, that is possible.
So yeah, that's my story of how I got extremely scared!
I've been given a quite an impossible task, but not that impossible. What makes it impossible is that it needs evidence. It's like, I'm going to present it in a court. Hey teachers, do you know that the best informations are usually retrieved from a kedai kopi?
It's midnight.
I want to eat breakfast tomorrow. But I also want to sleep. awh.
Oh! I felt scared, like really scared and now I'm going to write about it.
So I had to cross a big field alone at night, and it was very dark but it wasn't late yet. I had my torchlight on but somehow, I accidentally blocked the light with my finger (due to my extreme fear and paranoia) and it looked as if there was someone behind me. It looked like there was a head.
But that was impossible since the source of light is in front of me, not behind me, and I could not see anyone standing in front of my torchlight.
I did not realize that and I was extremely confused. I was like "Should I be scared or not. It's impossible, right? But what if there is something?" I could not make any decision. My leg moved for a second then stopped for another second and moved again then stopped again. I could not feel anything, I was only focused on the shadow (THAT WAS MADE BY MY OWN FINGER)
and when I realized it was my finger, it's like all the adrenaline is absorbed back in seconds. And it left a feeling of 'lenguh' in my legs. What do you call it? Lembik lutut? You feel extreme fatigue in your legs and dropped to your knee. If I did not control myself, that is possible.
So yeah, that's my story of how I got extremely scared!
Saturday 31 March 2018
whoa
I don't even have someone that I truly like right now. like whaat? Never thought that this day would come.
It's like , I've given my emotions to those anime characters that there's only a little left for real life people. Is it unhealthy?
Yeah sure but I don't see me stopping anytime soon.
It's like , I've given my emotions to those anime characters that there's only a little left for real life people. Is it unhealthy?
Yeah sure but I don't see me stopping anytime soon.
Friday 30 March 2018
pagi yang gelap, kini sudah terang
I don't really have anything to talk about and after this I'll continue watching Naruto anyway soo...
Just remember that no one can read your mind except for Allah. So, you have to take extra care of what comes out of your mouth for it can really ruin you.
Do you know why on today's world, our data that we reveal online is sooo precious that anyone that has the key to those data can get so damn rich? Because it's just the same as reading our minds.
The things that are going on inside your mind, your thoughts on things, your personal data, your likes and dislikes, if someone knows all of this, to them, you'll be very vulnerable.
For example, even me myself. Seeing what my friends post online, I can sort of guess what type of personality they have and I can adapt better when I'm around them , or, just straight out distance myself from them . Well , that doesn't sound so bad isn't it? Because you think you're insignificant in the adult's world.
But just imagine, if one day, a really bad politician desperately needs your vote to be elected as a leader in this democratic country. You're not planning on voting for that bad politician and you know that this time your vote matters. So what if someone has an access to your personal data and uses it against you? Like, they know you're short on money and you have a nice family with your wife and 3 kids. The first kid is currently in college, the second and third is struggling to enter a good college and lastly, you love them a whole lot. You've repeatedly posted on your social media account that you're willing to go through hell for them. And that's it. You've revealed your weakness. And what if that bad politician uses this against you? Bad, right?
Yeah, maybe I just gave an illogical situation but that can totally happen in a movie so yeah.
well, okay then , bye.
Just remember that no one can read your mind except for Allah. So, you have to take extra care of what comes out of your mouth for it can really ruin you.
Do you know why on today's world, our data that we reveal online is sooo precious that anyone that has the key to those data can get so damn rich? Because it's just the same as reading our minds.
The things that are going on inside your mind, your thoughts on things, your personal data, your likes and dislikes, if someone knows all of this, to them, you'll be very vulnerable.
For example, even me myself. Seeing what my friends post online, I can sort of guess what type of personality they have and I can adapt better when I'm around them , or, just straight out distance myself from them . Well , that doesn't sound so bad isn't it? Because you think you're insignificant in the adult's world.
But just imagine, if one day, a really bad politician desperately needs your vote to be elected as a leader in this democratic country. You're not planning on voting for that bad politician and you know that this time your vote matters. So what if someone has an access to your personal data and uses it against you? Like, they know you're short on money and you have a nice family with your wife and 3 kids. The first kid is currently in college, the second and third is struggling to enter a good college and lastly, you love them a whole lot. You've repeatedly posted on your social media account that you're willing to go through hell for them. And that's it. You've revealed your weakness. And what if that bad politician uses this against you? Bad, right?
Yeah, maybe I just gave an illogical situation but that can totally happen in a movie so yeah.
well, okay then , bye.
Sunday 25 March 2018
crossing the lines (cont)
Okay, about crossing the lines...
I usually feel like people are crossing lines when they ask me to do something for them, without paying me back in return. Yeah, I'm a cheapskate like that. Though I'm completely fine with doing something for another, I don't want to go out of my way just to help someone.
People usually cross the lines when they feel like a person is being nice to them. They think that they are important to that person. They think that they are more superior to that other person. That's why it irritates me the most when someone crosses the line.
I also can't tell where is the line. It is subjective and changes from time to time. But when someone crosses it, you just know.
So be careful and always think about the result of your actions.
And by the way, I saw that my friend is going to write about scholarships and all that in her blog. I admit it that I felt envy when seeing that but when I think about it, I don't really want to write about that. Sure, it'll make me look like I'm a reliable person if I can write about my experience and how I got where I am right now. But I realized that each person is different and how they perceive their success is also different.
And so, this is what I think is important in life. It's about what's in your heart and mind. But it kinda aggravates me when I think the right thing but don't have the courage to do it. Damn annoying.
crossing the lines
In this life, there are always a certain line that you cannot cross.
I understood this when I watched Cheese in The Trap.
Maybe I'll elaborate further when I find something to write about but right now my mind is overwhelmed by Itachi's memories I can't even. so bye.
I understood this when I watched Cheese in The Trap.
Maybe I'll elaborate further when I find something to write about but right now my mind is overwhelmed by Itachi's memories I can't even. so bye.
Saturday 24 March 2018
Some...thing?
She will only tell her problem after it is solved. Yes, she's the type that doesn't talk about her fears. Is she avoiding it? Or she is too afraid of it to the point of not being able to mention it? She does not know it herself.
And she doesn't mind waiting. No matter how boring the wait is, she'll try to find something interesting in the boredom.
Tuesday 20 March 2018
Maybe they know better, but everyone makes mistakes.
When you're about to say something, you have to think first whether it is truly needed and what is the use of you saying that?
For example, if you wish to educate your children, IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO MAKE HER FEEL EMBARRASSED OF HERSELF.
There are two types of people on this world. You and the rest. Therefore, the way we treat ourselves should be different than the way we treat other people. Yes, you can endure harsh words you say to yourself and you think it makes you grow into a useful person, but do not ever think that everyone else would be able to endure it too.
I know, I've been hurt by the same thing and just realized that the words my parents carelessly threw at me in the past has somehow affected the way I act sometimes.
It was really not necessary. I disagree. You're ruining her. Please stop.
For example, if you wish to educate your children, IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO MAKE HER FEEL EMBARRASSED OF HERSELF.
There are two types of people on this world. You and the rest. Therefore, the way we treat ourselves should be different than the way we treat other people. Yes, you can endure harsh words you say to yourself and you think it makes you grow into a useful person, but do not ever think that everyone else would be able to endure it too.
I know, I've been hurt by the same thing and just realized that the words my parents carelessly threw at me in the past has somehow affected the way I act sometimes.
It was really not necessary. I disagree. You're ruining her. Please stop.
Monday 19 March 2018
Let's say our prayer...
Doa.
It's a very calming action. Whenever I really want something and I ask it from Allah, I may not get what I wanted yet but I already got the calming sensation. It's like, you feel so very protected when you depend on Allah. Like, nothing's gonna get you. You're safe.
And when you're happy and you thank Allah, it's like, someone is always there, understanding you. A presence that is never going to judge you for whatever weird thought you have because He Understands your condition. After all, He Created you.
And when you are sad, and you turn to Him for consolation, maybe you can't hear any other voice to sooth you, but you can hear yourself speaking. Maybe, for the first time, you are able to think that you are your own best friend. And of course, it is Allah who made it possible.
That's why I never feel the need to remember very long Doa recitation (except for the basic ones la). As long as you remember Allah is there, you'll be fine.
It's a very calming action. Whenever I really want something and I ask it from Allah, I may not get what I wanted yet but I already got the calming sensation. It's like, you feel so very protected when you depend on Allah. Like, nothing's gonna get you. You're safe.
And when you're happy and you thank Allah, it's like, someone is always there, understanding you. A presence that is never going to judge you for whatever weird thought you have because He Understands your condition. After all, He Created you.
And when you are sad, and you turn to Him for consolation, maybe you can't hear any other voice to sooth you, but you can hear yourself speaking. Maybe, for the first time, you are able to think that you are your own best friend. And of course, it is Allah who made it possible.
That's why I never feel the need to remember very long Doa recitation (except for the basic ones la). As long as you remember Allah is there, you'll be fine.
What a day.
Still deciding...
I am so troubled today so let me tell you about my unhealthy way of coping with stress.
I try to forget the problem.
You should not forget the problem, you should face it head on. But I'm too scared. Scared to admit my mistakes, I think.
There are a lot of times in my life where I think, "Couldn't you be any stupider?"
I try to face it but now, there's no way out. I just have to admit my mistakes and try to solve it from there on. Yup, maybe people will start to think I'm unreliable but that's what I deserve. Though I try not to show that part of me. When Allah Decides something, it will happen.
I am so troubled today so let me tell you about my unhealthy way of coping with stress.
I try to forget the problem.
You should not forget the problem, you should face it head on. But I'm too scared. Scared to admit my mistakes, I think.
There are a lot of times in my life where I think, "Couldn't you be any stupider?"
I try to face it but now, there's no way out. I just have to admit my mistakes and try to solve it from there on. Yup, maybe people will start to think I'm unreliable but that's what I deserve. Though I try not to show that part of me. When Allah Decides something, it will happen.
Saturday 10 March 2018
Fake news
I searched about the definition and it says that fake news is created to create a political tension, something like that.
It should be dangerous, right? Yet, this poisonous thing is spreading like wildfire in our timelines.
And usually, the content of a fake news is wasting time. Like, it's not even important nor do we have to know about it. But it's fun. It excites a part of the brain and make us think "other people also have to know this." The result is, unstoppable spreading of disease in society.
Why am I talking about this? Because, no reason actually. I just wanted to type something and chose this topic but I'm not that well-informed on this hence, the pointless ramblings.
It should be dangerous, right? Yet, this poisonous thing is spreading like wildfire in our timelines.
And usually, the content of a fake news is wasting time. Like, it's not even important nor do we have to know about it. But it's fun. It excites a part of the brain and make us think "other people also have to know this." The result is, unstoppable spreading of disease in society.
Why am I talking about this? Because, no reason actually. I just wanted to type something and chose this topic but I'm not that well-informed on this hence, the pointless ramblings.
How I deal with bad exam results.
The moment I get my results and it doesn't meet my expectations...
I will be silent. I mean, I won't talk. I won't ask people anything, and I'm not telling people anything. Usually, I wear a blank expression. And if people ask me something, I'll hesitate to answer it.
Ah wait, I'm supposed to tell how I deal with it.
Well, at first I beat myself up first. NOT literally. I just say that "This result is expected from someone who didn't give her all. This is expected. You deserve this."
Then I think, this should be normal. It's not that bad, right? At this moment, I usually found out about my friend's results and of course, theirs are better than me. Then, I'll feel worse.
When this happens, I'll distract myself by watching movies or animes. It helps me forget, at least I don't feel like killing myself.
Lastly, when I'm finally tired of pretending and escaping, I'll end the denial stage by telling my parents about my results. You know, just face it. Only then will I try to truly fix myself.
I don't do much. First I torture myself, worse than what other people could do to me. Then, I'll feel really bad and try to forget the pain by watching movies, listening to musics, reading stories, being on clouds. Then I'll end it by telling my parents and accept their scoldings or whatever they have to tell me, it's my fault anyway. For how long can I run from it? Then I'll try to fix myself later. By doing various things that I deem right.
This doesn't really help, right? I'll try to improve my explanations. I want to be a writer after all. ^.~
Friday 9 March 2018
Dead?
It is kinda sad, but I'm not that affected by Jonghyun's death. I mean, his existence to me was on internet. So, as long as the 'him' on the internet lives on, to me, he's not really dead. I mean, he literally died but not figuratively.
It's hard explaining this.
And I went to bookstores. Do you know why I can't buy motivational books? Because whenever I pick up a book and read the content, I figured I could write it myself.
Except for fictional books la, there's the writing style and those things.
Do I care if my friend keeps secrets from me or not? No. Because, I don't know. Maybe I just don't care. And if they don't wanna tell you then don't bother. It doesn't involve you anyway.
That's all. Bye.
It's hard explaining this.
And I went to bookstores. Do you know why I can't buy motivational books? Because whenever I pick up a book and read the content, I figured I could write it myself.
Except for fictional books la, there's the writing style and those things.
Do I care if my friend keeps secrets from me or not? No. Because, I don't know. Maybe I just don't care. And if they don't wanna tell you then don't bother. It doesn't involve you anyway.
That's all. Bye.
Wednesday 21 February 2018
Yo!
I should have written something last night but I figured that sleep is more important so...
I have nothing to write about now.
Currently I'm watching Goblin. Cheese in The Trap, I like the webtoon version more so I think there's no need for me to watch the tv drama adaptation. The casts are great but it seems like something is missing form the drama. I'm not sure what it is. Everyone looks so much better in the webtoon. And I think Jung's character is treated unfairly in the drama.
In the webtoon, he just did as he thought was right. He wanted to get back at people who he thought crossed the line because he thinks he's always the victim. It seemed like he loved Seol more in the webtoon but in the drama, it only looked as if he was trying to take advantage of Seol. This scene and that scene is contradicting each other and it gets confusing when you've read the webtoon.
I've already heard the rumor that the drama is too different from the webtoon and yes, I confirm that rumor. It's too different. Only the characters look the same. Good job for that!
With that, I end my entry today. Bye!
I have nothing to write about now.
Currently I'm watching Goblin. Cheese in The Trap, I like the webtoon version more so I think there's no need for me to watch the tv drama adaptation. The casts are great but it seems like something is missing form the drama. I'm not sure what it is. Everyone looks so much better in the webtoon. And I think Jung's character is treated unfairly in the drama.
In the webtoon, he just did as he thought was right. He wanted to get back at people who he thought crossed the line because he thinks he's always the victim. It seemed like he loved Seol more in the webtoon but in the drama, it only looked as if he was trying to take advantage of Seol. This scene and that scene is contradicting each other and it gets confusing when you've read the webtoon.
I've already heard the rumor that the drama is too different from the webtoon and yes, I confirm that rumor. It's too different. Only the characters look the same. Good job for that!
With that, I end my entry today. Bye!
Monday 12 February 2018
So hey!
I'm amazed at people who are in love. It's so beautiful. They're so beautiful.
A story plot...I haven't thought of it for a long time.
I have nothing else I'm good at.
I have so many things that I think is unfair but I know something good will come out of it. I've read too many stories to know that fact.
You have to divert your thoughts. Don't think about yourself too much. Think about ideas. Yes, ideas.
What happened to the cheerful me? The me who wanted to build a house in the mountains of Norway.
I'm thinking of a story plot and I think it's really good but based on stories I've read, if I present that story idea to publishers, they're sure to reject it.
I want to write it here but yeah, I'm worried if someone will see it and take the idea. I'll be so damn furious if that happens.
You know, that one time I wrote a whole story and suddenly the computer shut down by itself. I cried right then and there and shouted like a madman in front of my family, you know? I just lost control.
But I'm glad I had that moment at least once. It's like, something writers have in common.
Sure, I want to be a writer. And I will, at least, make this dream a reality.
A story plot...I haven't thought of it for a long time.
I have nothing else I'm good at.
I have so many things that I think is unfair but I know something good will come out of it. I've read too many stories to know that fact.
You have to divert your thoughts. Don't think about yourself too much. Think about ideas. Yes, ideas.
What happened to the cheerful me? The me who wanted to build a house in the mountains of Norway.
I'm thinking of a story plot and I think it's really good but based on stories I've read, if I present that story idea to publishers, they're sure to reject it.
I want to write it here but yeah, I'm worried if someone will see it and take the idea. I'll be so damn furious if that happens.
You know, that one time I wrote a whole story and suddenly the computer shut down by itself. I cried right then and there and shouted like a madman in front of my family, you know? I just lost control.
But I'm glad I had that moment at least once. It's like, something writers have in common.
Sure, I want to be a writer. And I will, at least, make this dream a reality.
Thursday 8 February 2018
I don't have anything to say.
So I made a mistake. I shouldn't have treated this thing as my diary. Maybe I should erase that link I put there.
I'm just afraid that this blog will remain hidden forever. And once I'm dead, this blog will also be gone. Along with the thoughts written in it.
It's not that I'm looking forward to die, it's just that, I can't help thinking. What will happen to the world I left after I die?
Maybe I shouldn't think too much about it. It just indicates that I love the worldly life more.
But how can someone love the worldly life full of pain and lies when you can live peacefully and full of joy in heaven?
Of course, paradise. It's a bit difficult but not impossible. Think of it as an excellent exam results. You can struggle and cry for your exam, why don't you do the same for Jannah?
I'm not one to say because I'm lazy in chasing both. It's like I'm in the sure lane going to hell. But well, let's try our best, okay?
And wow, I'm hungry.
I'm just afraid that this blog will remain hidden forever. And once I'm dead, this blog will also be gone. Along with the thoughts written in it.
It's not that I'm looking forward to die, it's just that, I can't help thinking. What will happen to the world I left after I die?
Maybe I shouldn't think too much about it. It just indicates that I love the worldly life more.
But how can someone love the worldly life full of pain and lies when you can live peacefully and full of joy in heaven?
Of course, paradise. It's a bit difficult but not impossible. Think of it as an excellent exam results. You can struggle and cry for your exam, why don't you do the same for Jannah?
I'm not one to say because I'm lazy in chasing both. It's like I'm in the sure lane going to hell. But well, let's try our best, okay?
And wow, I'm hungry.
Wednesday 24 January 2018
Today! Kyouwa!
Hey, you know Utakata-sama? He dead already.
*cry bucket of tears*
Anyway, Naruto has made me cry for days already I hope it's not ruining my face. Not ruining my face means people won't look at me and say "This girl has depression." something like that.
I believe I do not have depression because depression is practically numbness. Right? Is it?
But not really. My father said he has seen a lot of people that is diagnosed with depression but the behavior of each of them is different.
And once I actually say something mean about people diagnosed with depression in front of my mom and she quickly corrected me. I'm just glad that my parents are the contemporary type of people.
My parents hate hearing the word 'hate' coming from us siblings. So, if we express our hatred too much, they will quickly give us some advice. They tell us to take a look at the situation from a different perspective. We usually tell them that we hate this certain certain person, and they will try to justify that person's action but it's not that they are mad that we hate that person. They just don't want us to hate too much.
Hate is poisonous.
They say overdoing something is always bad. No matter it is dunia or akhirat, entertainment or education, DO NOT overdo something.
Yes, do not.
And it's never too late to do something, especially if it's something good. We have that hadis but I'm too afraid in case it's wrong because I don't really know so I won't say anything specific. But it kinda goes like this :
"If you have a seed (means it will later grow and become a tree), and you know that the next day is the end of the world, plant that seed."
So, applying it in my situation, there are just like 2 days more before my examination and I know I haven't been preparing properly for it but during these 2 days, I will try my best and give it my all so that maybe, Allah will pity me and give me success.
And Allah is the Most Merciful.
I know I have been lacking in Ibadah and study, but I don't really want it. The me right now is like Jellal Fernandes in Fairy Tail when he was being manipulated by Ultear. He doesn't want it but he's doing it willingly because he's being manipulated. I'm too weak if I'm being manipulated, right?
And also, the stories my father told me, I forgot all of them already. My father is indeed a better listener than my mother. I wonder who listens to my father. But maybe, he doesn't really have anything to tell either.
He's always nagging at my brother and sister for not being able to start a conversation with me through the phone but when my father and I are alone in the car, it is me who had to think of something to start the conversation.
hahah.
I think of many things. And I just wish that I won't be bringing them all to my grave.
*cry bucket of tears*
Anyway, Naruto has made me cry for days already I hope it's not ruining my face. Not ruining my face means people won't look at me and say "This girl has depression." something like that.
I believe I do not have depression because depression is practically numbness. Right? Is it?
But not really. My father said he has seen a lot of people that is diagnosed with depression but the behavior of each of them is different.
And once I actually say something mean about people diagnosed with depression in front of my mom and she quickly corrected me. I'm just glad that my parents are the contemporary type of people.
My parents hate hearing the word 'hate' coming from us siblings. So, if we express our hatred too much, they will quickly give us some advice. They tell us to take a look at the situation from a different perspective. We usually tell them that we hate this certain certain person, and they will try to justify that person's action but it's not that they are mad that we hate that person. They just don't want us to hate too much.
Hate is poisonous.
They say overdoing something is always bad. No matter it is dunia or akhirat, entertainment or education, DO NOT overdo something.
Yes, do not.
And it's never too late to do something, especially if it's something good. We have that hadis but I'm too afraid in case it's wrong because I don't really know so I won't say anything specific. But it kinda goes like this :
"If you have a seed (means it will later grow and become a tree), and you know that the next day is the end of the world, plant that seed."
So, applying it in my situation, there are just like 2 days more before my examination and I know I haven't been preparing properly for it but during these 2 days, I will try my best and give it my all so that maybe, Allah will pity me and give me success.
And Allah is the Most Merciful.
I know I have been lacking in Ibadah and study, but I don't really want it. The me right now is like Jellal Fernandes in Fairy Tail when he was being manipulated by Ultear. He doesn't want it but he's doing it willingly because he's being manipulated. I'm too weak if I'm being manipulated, right?
And also, the stories my father told me, I forgot all of them already. My father is indeed a better listener than my mother. I wonder who listens to my father. But maybe, he doesn't really have anything to tell either.
He's always nagging at my brother and sister for not being able to start a conversation with me through the phone but when my father and I are alone in the car, it is me who had to think of something to start the conversation.
hahah.
I think of many things. And I just wish that I won't be bringing them all to my grave.
Friday 19 January 2018
Mitsuketazo!
I found it, how I want to live my life.
Earlier I watched the death of Jiraiya's scene. And it was so damn inspiring. I curled into a ball, crying watching that scene.
But some of his words can be taken into consideration.
Then another thought popped up in my head. Is there any stories like this among Islamic tokoh?
Of course there is! I just have to search for it.
And maybe my way of life can be a little bit guided.
Your thoughts alone is not enough, do you know? There are rules and you have to follow those rules. That's why I was admitted into MRSM KoPu for 5 years. To understand this.
So how I want to live my life? I told you earlier that I want to write books right? That's why The Tale of the Gallant Jiraiya inspired me so much.
I also want to travel around writing books. And become great at whatever I'm doing. If you ask me what my life goal is, I think it's close to that.
I just want my life to be more meaningful. It's just that, I've been thinking, what if I suddenly dies? Then what is it that I have done? What kind of revolution have I led? How many lives have I changed? How many people have I helped?
I don't know.
And Al-Quran.
I really want to master it but look at what I'm doing.
The devils are all laughing at the state I am in now. It's like I'm chained up by them, and I so want to free myself. But they gave me a rock with patterns on it and I got distracted.
Ah, by the way, do you want to know what Jiraiya's words are?
"It's not how a shinobi lives. It's how a shinobi dies. It's not about what you're doing while living, it's about what you've done before you die."
And damn, the moment Naruto felt a tap on his shoulder was a total tear-jerker. It made me think how will I feel if I lost someone dear to me.
Okay that's all. Bye!
Earlier I watched the death of Jiraiya's scene. And it was so damn inspiring. I curled into a ball, crying watching that scene.
But some of his words can be taken into consideration.
Then another thought popped up in my head. Is there any stories like this among Islamic tokoh?
Of course there is! I just have to search for it.
And maybe my way of life can be a little bit guided.
Your thoughts alone is not enough, do you know? There are rules and you have to follow those rules. That's why I was admitted into MRSM KoPu for 5 years. To understand this.
So how I want to live my life? I told you earlier that I want to write books right? That's why The Tale of the Gallant Jiraiya inspired me so much.
I also want to travel around writing books. And become great at whatever I'm doing. If you ask me what my life goal is, I think it's close to that.
I just want my life to be more meaningful. It's just that, I've been thinking, what if I suddenly dies? Then what is it that I have done? What kind of revolution have I led? How many lives have I changed? How many people have I helped?
I don't know.
And Al-Quran.
I really want to master it but look at what I'm doing.
The devils are all laughing at the state I am in now. It's like I'm chained up by them, and I so want to free myself. But they gave me a rock with patterns on it and I got distracted.
Ah, by the way, do you want to know what Jiraiya's words are?
"It's not how a shinobi lives. It's how a shinobi dies. It's not about what you're doing while living, it's about what you've done before you die."
And damn, the moment Naruto felt a tap on his shoulder was a total tear-jerker. It made me think how will I feel if I lost someone dear to me.
Okay that's all. Bye!
Saturday 6 January 2018
heeey
I've decided that I'm going to write about my views on people.
It could be someone near or someone far. There's no specifications. Hell it could be about an anime character hahahahha.
κΈ°λν΄ …π
It could be someone near or someone far. There's no specifications. Hell it could be about an anime character hahahahha.
κΈ°λν΄ …π
Tuesday 2 January 2018
Habataitara
I said I wanted to write a book right? Still not finished. No progress to be exact.
I just...what to write? Nothing comes to mind.
I just...what to write? Nothing comes to mind.
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