Changes I want to make?

I guess, I want to change how people see things.

Sometimes, it is so easy but people tend to make it hard. And it also affects me because one single small fish can't easily go against the stream.

It can't be helped that everyone has a brain and everyone has their own thoughts. But it's frustrating, isn't it? When people just can't understand you.

That's why you need a guide. And whose idea is closer to the guide wins.

The first time my mom left.

I'm suddenly reminded of the first time my mom left home due to work. I forgot for how many days she left ...but we were all suffering. I also forgot at what age I was at that time but it's less than 5.

At first I was still fine because mom was still there. So, no matter what she said, I was still calm because she was still in my sight. I knew she was going but somehow, I could not think ahead of the time she'll be gone.

Then we went to the bus station to send her off. Yes, at that time my family did not have much money so it's a bit different from our current condition.

Finally, the moment arrived. I saw my mom got on the bus, I was still fine. I waved at the bus, but I could not remember whether I saw her in the bus or not. Then, the bus started to move. My heart started beating differently and I was not able to comprehend anything. I forgot the promises I made to my mom, why I was willing to let her go, everything. Completely forgotten. What I knew at that time was that, she's leaving. It didn't matter that she'll come back but at that very moment, she's leaving.

Before I knew it, I started running after the bus, but could only reach a few steps before my father held me back. My father was very puzzled as before, I was being very supportive and had no problem at all with my mom leaving. Then I cried, and if I was not mistaken, my brother also cried. Yep, my little brother. He was already crying since earlier. I just joined him.

And I'm sure at that time, the most troubled person was my father.

I remember the whole time I was at home, I kept on asking when is mom gonna come back. Every corner in the house reminded me of her.

After a few days, it was time to pick her up at the bus station again! And what I thought was "oh, she's only gone for a moment. It was useless for me to worry too much."

We went to pick her up at the bus station and if my father didn't tell my mom that I cried, my mom would never knew about it.

And that is the story of the first time my mom left me.

hey

Mom, I did everything I could but why don't they like me? Why won't they approach me when I'm alone and needed a company? Yes, one did but that's because she's thankful to me, i guess.

I'm fine if that is they way it is, but when another person was in the same situation I was earlier, they surrounded her just fine.

But still, I'm thankful for the few people who kept me company :') and for that girl who kept on eating the buah yang I potong dengan tak cantiknya.

I understand the feeling of seeing someone enjoying our cooking.

Claustrophobia or not?

At first I was sure that I was claustrophobic but now not anymore because I searched and it said that claustrophobic is when you feel anxiety when you're in an enclosed space. But what I felt was slightly different.

I usually feel it when I'm in an unwanted situations. Such as I'm in a place where there are a lot of people, I'm just following without any thoughts, I remain standing for too long and that's it I think.

I'll feel hot, not the burning one but as if you're wearing layered clothes on a hot day. Then it'll feel like I can't see too far. Like my vision is narrowing, I can't focus on anything. My hearing will also be blocked and I'll hear like a loud and long beeping sound it goes beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. It'll also feel like I'm under water, you know, the way all sounds are blocked. Then my legs will want to unbuckle. Is it correct to use that word?

Ah, I'll also feel like my eyes are gradually sinking. My vision at that time...at first it's still normal. But then everything gets brighter and then the brightness turns to yellow. Then I'll see yellow, everything is yellow. And if I don't find a place to sit, the intensity will increase until eventually, I'll black out. Or is it yellow out? hahah.

Then when I sit, I feel like my legs are continuously thanking me and then it'll feel like my legs are deteriorating. At that time I'll feel a little bit of pain. Just a little bit. Until it gets better again. After that, my energy will come back to me and I can be cheerful like usual again. I can even walk miles after that. As long as I walk. But if I continued doing what I was doing when I became like that then it'll happen again.

There was also a time when that happens, I felt I could not breathe. So, I look at the sky because at that time it was about to rain. But when I look at the sky, it felt so peaceful maybe because the sky is so wide and it was about to rain so the air is cooler. At least at that time it was. I took a deep breath and felt better again.

So that's it. I don't know whether it's claustrophobia or not because I'm fine with little space. What I'm not fine with is being surrounded by a lot of people.

Volunteer

Earlier I went to my teacher's house, and it was so different there. I had to take a long look at those people and ask, are these people from earth? It was so surreal!

Like, they talked with soft voice and their dialogues are too cheesy! The only way you can find people talking like that is in the movies! But that doesn't seem to be the case anymore.

They are the people that realizes their power. They know that their actions can bring changes.

It's good. I'm not saying that they should stop.

It's just too different.

But I don't think I can be like that. Huh, kill me first.

Those people like to be volunteers, they love helping people.

yo

To write an essay...hurm.

Taemin is such an admirable person. I wish I can do life like him. Since 2011, I've watched him and just why could I not do it like him? Why didn't I take anything from him?

Fear

There was something I've been itching to write about but I forgot about it already.

I've been given a quite an impossible task, but not that impossible. What makes it impossible is that it needs evidence. It's like, I'm going to present it in a court. Hey teachers, do you know that the best informations are usually retrieved from a kedai kopi?

It's midnight.

I want to eat breakfast tomorrow. But I also want to sleep. awh.

Oh! I felt scared, like really scared and now I'm going to write about it.

So I had to cross a big field alone at night, and it was very dark but it wasn't late yet. I had my torchlight on but somehow, I accidentally blocked the light with my finger (due to my extreme fear and paranoia) and it looked as if there was someone behind me. It looked like there was a head.

But that was impossible since the source of light is in front of me, not behind me, and I could not see anyone standing in front of my torchlight.

I did not realize that and I was extremely confused. I was like "Should I be scared or not. It's impossible, right? But what if there is something?" I could not make any decision. My leg moved for a second then stopped for another second and moved again then stopped again. I could not feel anything, I was only focused on the shadow (THAT WAS MADE BY MY OWN FINGER)

and when I realized it was my finger, it's like all the adrenaline is absorbed back in seconds. And it left a feeling of 'lenguh' in my legs. What do you call it? Lembik lutut? You feel extreme fatigue in your legs and dropped to your knee. If I did not control myself, that is possible.

So yeah, that's my story of how I got extremely scared!