Selfish

Currently I'm thinking about friends. Maybe it's true that we will never have a good friend in our life. It is very difficult because after all every human has their own weakness. Everyone has their own problem to worry about.

Maybe I'm not hoping for much. I just want a friend who won't make me feel alone. I'm still searching for that person who, if I want to do something, I don't have to hesitate to ask for her help. Like, even if I killed someone, I can still call her and ask for her help to hide the body. That kind of friend. Maybe that is impossible.

"Because...for the first time in my life, I feel like I won't have to do things alone." 

Maybe that's the only thing that I want.

My emotions are too raw currently so I cannot think of anything to write. I'm afraid if I keep on writing then I'll end up writing things I'll regret.

Originally I wanted to tell about the time I felt so alone and low that I felt like dying. But even telling that story sounds like I'm bragging so hahah I won't.

You know what is my weakness? A story where the partner died. Especially a male character. A guy that is very sweet and kind to his beloved but he had to die young. That is my weakness. You give that story to me I'll cry like it was me myself who lost a lover.

Thinking day today.

You know, sometimes I blow up on social media with my thoughts and opinions that somehow always go against others. And do you want to know why that happens?

It's because I have no one to talk to. That may sound sad but I chose that way. I cannot handle the thought of opening up to other people. Or in my dictionary, opening up means being vulnerable. Weak.

Which is why I write a diary. In this case, I have this blog which acts like my diary.

But I can write things for EVERYONE to see? Well, talking and writing is different in the first place.

If I were to describe myself then...I'll say I have no voice? Yes, realistically I have voice, I can talk. But compared to other people, I'm more silent than not.

I tried telling my father how I think I have problem in expressing myself and he said that maybe it's just me thinking that? That other people understood what I wanted to say. Well, that may be the circumstance. That the problems I think I have just exists in my head. 

Do you know that I quit twitter? Yes, the most famous social media among people my age? Why? Because it's toxic. No, no one patronized me in there. No one sent death threats to me in there. 

It is toxic in the way it is unbearably silent. I rambled on and on about things and no one interacted with my tweets. During trying times I even expressed my wish to pass away but no one cared. Ah, but there are times when they care. It's when I'm mad. When they sense a fight might happen.

See how it's toxic. People are out for blood these days. 

It's fine if I'm only at the receiving end of this apathy. But when I try to reply to their tweets, when I try to show that I care. That whatever they say are heard and they are seen but suddenly, I'm the weird one? For caring? Bro if you don't want to be seen then don't go on social media? Go write in your diary where no one can see.

I go on social media where my friends can see me is because I want to be seen. I want to be heard. I want to interact with people. To know what they think of my opinion. (Though sometimes we mostly just fight) To overall create a good atmosphere in our relationship. But I guess I'm too naive.

Well, now that I quit, there's no more hope for that. It's like that line in that kdrama. "It's not school that I gave up. I gave up you!" but in my case "It's not twitter that I gave up, but my 3 mutuals!"