Scolding

As you may have known I've entered the second phase of my studies and so with this new phase, we have to get used to many scoldings.

I know that scoldings are normal and we kinda need that in our life but excessive scoldings is a little bit..

It's kind of a challenge for me to see the good in negative things, though it is possible. Sometimes, it's like searching for a needle in a haystack, is that what they call it? I'll confirm later.

In my opinion, when we scold someone, there must be a message that we want to convey because after all, scolding is also a way communication. I mean, why don't you just convey the message? ah, yes it's because humans are not perfect and they can feel frustrated by someone's incompetence so they proceed to scold someone that is in a lower position than him/her. yep. is that the conclusion i've come to? unfortunately yes. a little bit negative. yes, i know.

It's not like I've never scolded anyone before. I have. So how do I justify the action of scolding someone else? To teach them? Make them learn from stress? What can people learn from stress?

If it's little kids then yes it's necessary to scold them but a bunch of 20 years old? i dont think so.

After so long

I re-read my old diary and I feel a very far distance from the me of the past. Like, the only thing relatable and I look forward to reading in that diary is the stories I wrote in the spur of moments. Quite a waste. Such a beautiful book but I can't even use it to recognize who I truly am.

But the diary helped me to contain my emotions. It trained me to think things through before acting. It's a good therapy. So now I'm writing this here because I feel like typing something. I'm actually in a quite disturbed state right now. I'm having some problems but I hope it'll be solved soon. I will solve it soon. Some mistakes might be made in order to find the true answer, and I will have to carry the burden of the many mistakes but it's okay, that's life.

Hmm what else...

I'm actually taking quite a good care of my laptop. It's not broken yet so that says something. Different story with my phone, I've changed it 3 times I think since after SPM. or maybe 2 times, I forgot.

There's actually one more think I want to tell you but this kind of thing is better kept secret. It's a good news but I'm afraid me telling it here will jinx it.

Do you understand how hard life is when you're lazy? Even the easiest tasks take a long time to be done.

I'm so tired living like this.

I just hope that I won't drop dead at the end of this week, like, I really hope so.

I found out that I like listening to people talk. It can be about anything, just talk, I'll listen. But it has to be funny. And I will be the judge whether it's funny or not.

ayoooo it's raining so heavily right now.

I've got plans but of course I'm not going to write it here this is not my diary.

By the way, you guys seen Hosuh yet? He's so cute that guy, I love listening to him. Talk about anything Hosuh, I'll listen to you for hours

Reminder.

If one day I ever say "ah,it's so tiring being nice all the time. I want to change." Then this entry serves as a reminder that the 15 y/o me worked so hard to get to this point. Please don't change so easily. Being nice is everything you've ever wanted.

Not exactly being nice but being a character in a drama or in a movie that you admire. I always watch movies and read storybooks and I'll note the characteristics of the fictional characters that I admire and try hard to become like them. I came a long way. If you think now I have a bad personality then you wouldn't be able to look at my face 10 years ago because of the overwhelming hate.

I know, people usually work hard to achieve their dreams. Like some of the friends I met, they told me they wanted to become doctors since they were young and they study hard every day to be admitted to a medical school.

I'm also like that. I think my dream is to become a fictional character. Put aside the appearance because I can never look as good as the characters I admire but I at least want to have the same aura. It seems impossible right? I don't know,  people always tell "dare to dream" so now I'm dreaming of the impossible.

Maybe other people can have a nice personality easily. They don't even have to work for it, they're just naturally good. But for me it's not like that. Remember, each human is tested on different things.
I look at Itachi and think I want to be good to my siblings. I look at my friend and think, I want all my siblings to succeed in life. I look at Minato and think, I want to have a spouse like him. But wanting to be good to my parents sort of come from my own thinking because teachers in my school always emphasize the need to treat our parents well. Thanks teachers.

I have this ideal image of me and work hard towards it. So one day I can look at myself and say "I have become what I wanted. The pretty me that my 15 yo self dreamed of is standing right here."

So don't change so easily. You've planned your track carefully so stick to it.

Dream

I intended to write about my dream but figured out it wasn't really that interesting. It was just windy, indicating the start of a storm and the clouds. wow, you have to see it for yourself. The clouds were really dark and heavy and thick, and there were lightnings too threatening to kill me. It was not a comfortable place. Though the nature was being amazing it was also scary I could not think.

Your mistakes are in the past. Don't  let it determine what you are. Yes, you were lazy but now focus on your future. Be the person you've always wanted to be.

So what I learned earlier was there are 3 types of sabar that is :

1. Sabar ketika diuji
2. Sabar dalam berbuat baik
3. Sabar dalam menurut perintah Allah

not really sure about the third one. Sorry.

you know what? i actually dont give a damn about facts. Not that it isn't important.

Facts are very important and I appreciate the works that have been done by so many people just so that we can retrieve these facts. Facts are very important.

But it's not something that excites me.

I'm excited by the possibilities. "It's not a well-known fact yet but this thing could happen because of these reasons." I'm excited by that.

And I think from now on, I need to start writing a script for whenever I have to talk because I REALLY SUCK AT TALKING.

whether it's a presentation or just merely talking with another human. I need a script. Because when I need to talk, my brain just stops working.

hi

Helllo. This is a test.

I just wanted to test this new keyboard my father bought, It's pretty cool with the colors and everything. Cool.

And the mouse is also cool.

And the killing at 2 mosques in Christchurch, Newzealand? I don't know. I feel kinda mad and I also pity those muslims who got killed. But at least they died in a mosque. Tho it's not the best of husnul khotimah.

What message did he want to show by killing people in a mosque? In a sacred place? A place where one can just be himself and lets his guard down? A place where people gather while doing that?

I'll see what they will do to him. I don't really hope for the laws to punish him because The Almighty is the one with the best punishment.

All is me fault.

Where do I turn to in times like this? A time when I feel like flipping everything in my room upside down?
Here. Where no one comes. Where no one can see me.

In movies they say it's not good to keep everything inside. Because some day, you might just explode from the tremendous pressure.

But what can I do? Where else do I go? I feel like I don't have anyone on my side.

Sure, my parents are more than ready to listen to my problems. But if I tell them, I will just worry them. They will think that this daughter doesn't know how to do even the smallest of tasks and only knows how to whine and sit around, wasting her life away.

Yes, it was my fault that I waited till the last minute to do everything. It's all my fault.

But just once, just once, I want someone to be on my side. And tell me that it's not my fault. That I did my best in my own way.

Until when do I have to keep comforting myself? My throat hurts so much too. I have to deal with other humans too. I also have to deal with my own shortcomings. There's so much to deal with.

I guess that's how you grow up, huh?

But we all know, this post is just me escaping my own incompetence. This post is just me pitying myself. And that I have no real problem other than me being lazy. All is me fault

I honestly don't know.

It's been so long since I last wrote something in here.

So I recently read a manga?webtoon? anyway, I like how they portray a daddy's girl. But I guess, given the same wealth and power, any father would act the same. The healthy ones, not the ones that are sick. sickos. A father only by name.

It does not only apply to fathers actually. It applies to everyone. You can be something only by name if you don't have enough common sense. Like me.

My sister is very cute, I thought I'd do anything for her but turns out I don't? I mean, if she wants to eat food that I'm eating I definitely won't give it to her cos she still can't eat it but my parents would try to give it to her. I'm not saying that they're irresponsible. I'm saying, they'll try to make it possible first before deciding that it cannot happen. I guess that's why they're successful. I keep on saying no to this and that but they don't. Hmm, something to ponder I guess.

Don't you hate it when someone you've been defending turns out to be the person you deny them to be? Well, that's me to myself. Before this, I told myself that I'm different and I make up reasonable reasons for actions that I took. But I guess, I'm not all that. In the end, I'm just the person they told me I am.

I fail after saying I can do it.

It sucks being wrong.

But what to do. I'm just that stupid.

What even is pushing me to keep on living? My future? My sister? My family? God? Myself?

I don't know.