It has been 2 days. 2 days of me studying and preparing before class or every clinic session. And I've been feeling better . Like, this is the best I've felt in this semester? Everything is falling in place for me and it's been good.
Actually I felt like shit. My self-esteem was at its lowest just a few days ago. Until I sat down, I talked to myself and we were just being real. We talked and recognized the problem. And we decided that the problem is I haven't been studying. So that's why I could not answer doctor's questions and just felt stupid during class.
And by studying is really reading and understanding. Not just memorizing. I cannot memorize things you know that. I understand and remember.
Besides, the feeling of knowing things. The feeling of being able to visualize a procedure and able to explain it to other people later on just makes me feel good?
And it wasn't even that difficult studying. You just have to stay focused. And now another problem arises, I have to identify the factor that made me not able to focus all this time. You and I both know, something happened, something is abnormal and I need to find it. Or the same thing will recur and I'm telling you I never want to go into that darkness again.
If I am to describe what I've been feeling... I don't know if that's what depressed people feel and I'm not diagnosing myself with depression.
But it was so dark. I saw no way out. My self-criticism just chases each other. Like in this space inside my mind, it's just me and my self-criticism. Everything I do is wrong. I would cry when I feel inferior to people. And I always feel inferior to others. So after coming back from school, I would lie facing the wall and cry quietly. It is worse when I'm making a video or thinking of new ideas because to come up with an idea, you need to believe in yourself. So that affected my work.
Now I'm not saying that after this I'm gonna achieve success and be at the top. No. I just want to feel the same as other people. I don't want people to look at me and think "This kid is gonna fail."
Anyway, I'm not fully recovered. I'm still doubting myself and my decision but it's only gonna get better from now on. I promise myself. I won't disappoint you. And sorry for making you think you're stupid.
Thus, ends the story of someone who was not able to focus on her study for whatever reason. See you next time where we will be discussing about her distractions.
