Your Life, Your Way

Growing up I always hear people say, follow your heart, not others. And growing up, I never truly understood what that meant.

In movies, they always show that people who follow their dreams are happy and people who don't aren't happy. I think they need to show something deeper than that. Wherever you are, following your dreams or others, you are always going to struggle. As long as you are living, hardships will always find their way to you. 

But the feel when you decide your life for yourself is different. It means you are taking responsibilities for yourself, and it will contribute to your growth as a person. At least, you won't be a person who's living from weekend to weekend. Because to decide your life for yourself, you need to have a goal. You need to pursue something. And to pursue something you need to have knowledge because otherwise you won't find something that is worthy enough to sacrifice your time and energy into.

So, it's all about taking responsibility for yourself. In Islam, it is highly encouraged to do so. Because you bear your own sins, and when you do good deeds, the rewards are also yours. It doesn't affect others. Listening to these speakers, like Nouman Ali Khan and Omar Suleiman, they always tell you to be hard in yourself and take responsibility for your own life. Don't just follow the flow. Have the courage to think and defy others, in a good way of course. When you listen to others, you must have your own knowledge prior to that, and don't just absorb things like a sponge but be like a filter.

This is a reminder to myself too, to better myself. Because I only recently had the capability to think, and bit by bit, recognizes where is the river and where is the land. Whether I'm just floating in the river or am I walking on land. And if you don't dare yourself to think, it is very easy to fall for the tricks of this world. In whatever aspects : study, friends, fashion, finance. 

Struggling.

 I just decided that I'm not good at making up stories. I put this unrealistic expectations on myself. For example, I have to be able to create a world, characters and story plots. And I have always been stressed because I have a constant writer's block. I cannot make progress with my stories and have always been mad at myself for not trying harder.

But what if that is not the kind of writer I'm meant to become. Though I haven't finished most of my stories, I have written something else. I have 2 completed diaries. I didn't document my life but I wrote things like my thoughts on occurrences that happened in my life. A detailed analysis of what was really going on inside my mind. And that is a skill not many people have.

Because I am so honest with myself. I say an emotion for what it really is. At least I worded it prettily so people can read it, instead of just pretending it was never there. Because to have an emotion is not a sin. An emotion is reaction to something, right? 

I have this whole blog as an evidence too. I am a writer, just not a fictional writer. Maybe if I start writing about stories of my life, I can make progress. Just one problem though, I think my life is not interesting enough? Then Anis, those stories that you never finished are also boring right? Cause you never finished them.

I wrote a lot. Maybe I'll read them again tonight and you know, sort out my feelings. I'm my biggest fan after all.

New year

 I actually wanted to print some anime characters so I can paste it on the wall or something but I guess I'm not feeling too creative recently. And I just decided to update something since it's the new year or whatever.

So my new year resolution is to live as if I'm gonna die. Meaning if I were to die tomorrow, will I be okay doing what I'm doing today? 

And I've decided to not hold myself back in doing my hobby. I got kinda depressed trying to suppress myself from receiving joy through practicing my hobby and the result was I had no source of joy and my study was constantly killing me so I was borderline failing my course. It's a memory I want to forget anyway so let's not go into detail.

Anyway, I hope I will be more mature in living with people. And handling different types of people. I've also noticed recently that I'm the type that's bad at planning. Earlier I was watching Tokyo Revengers and imagined myself fighting and it turned out I have no idea what to do. I would just go into a fight and land whatever blow I can. Though it's probably because I've never sparred even once in my life so it's normal I won't know what to do.

Other than that, my life is uneventful. I really hadn't done anything I can be proud of. Though if you are interested, you can visit my youtube channel. I made some videos, very original idea hahhhahahaha That's one of the thing I'm proud of in my life.

Ah, maybe I will post some of the projects I've made in this blog. It makes no difference where I post it, no one's going to see it anyway so better put it here where it's easy to find. I'll try posting later. And maybe I can try being more serious at blogging. I read a manga where the girl is a blogger and it looked quite interesting. It's not that tiring and anyone can do it. If anyone can do it then I can do it too, and if I can do it then anyone can do it!!!

That's all from me, thank you.

Fantasy of Fate. (fanta-sea?)

To get stuck on someone just because you think that they are your fate is a bit...off. Don't you think?

To think that you worked very hard to become the best version of yourself, only for you to get hung up on someone that you're not even sure of..You're not sure about their personality and their outlook on life. I think it's a waste. It's a waste of all your effort to get to this point.

Throw away that little belief or hope that stems from nowhere. I know, we sometimes have fantasies of our one-sided love being returned in the end. And that someone actually has been loving us all this time and we don't have to look so far just to be happy. That we jut need to wait for that someone to make a move, or in other words, for our fate to reach us.

I now realized how childish that thought is. And yet I have been hoping for it to happen for the longest time. I am stupid indeed, Thank God I realized it in time.

For a good life partner, you have to assess them objectively. Not just settle on someone you don't even like just because you think it's fate.

"I like this person though he is not objectively attractive. He's not even my type. This must be fate." No. Girl, no.

I don't know what your attraction towards him is based on but if he does not reach your standard then that's not the one. Trust me, okay?

Evaluate objectively and after the bond is made, then that is your fate.

Realization.

Just had a long talk with my parents and they reminded me of why I entered medical school. They reminded me of a discussion we had before I chose to apply for med school. 

They said it's okay if I don't become a doctor after going through medical school. That's not my main purpose. My main purpose is to achieve a sound state of mind. Because, as we know, being a doctor will force you to be in your best condition so you can make a good decision. To treat people, to prescribe medications. My parents wanted me to have that best condition. It's okay if I'm not a doctor. We don't live just to work.

So the realization that dawned upon me was, that I don't need to change to become the best. One dangerous mindset that I've adopted after entering medical school is, the need to become like others. Because I thought everyone else is better than me. When actually, we are all the same.

I cannot study like they do. I cannot stay seated at my desk for long hours, writing notes. It's impossible for me. Trust me, this whole year I tried. When I was 16, I tried. But it only ended with more stress and painful tears. It physically hurt me, to study something I have no interest in.

So what I'm going to do is develop more curiosity. And interest. And probably pettiness. hahahaha.

My study method is, studying about something I don't know. And something I want to know. And I cannot have a designated time to study. Because God knows I will ignore that schedule. 

I'm grateful for the lecturer that insulted and praised me. Maybe they didn't mean to insult/praise me but that's how I perceive it. But I'm grateful.

I had to suffer for one year just to understand that being myself is enough. I don't need to become like someone else. They're them and I am me. We are different.

The Crystal Palace of Dreams

This is a screenshot from my all-time favorite love story. Till today, I never looked at this page and not cry. The title is "Emma Bangaihen" or the translation is "Emma : further tales". The main story is "Emma" but I got bored reading about the main couple and accidentally read this one and fell in love with this 2 chapters.

So hi, actually I wanted to edit some photos to be printed so I can paste it in my bedroom wall but it's already nearing the end of the year and I will have to change room soon so I figured it's a waste of energy. And so, I decided to just paste it in my blog instead weheyy.

Okay, the reason I like this certain love story is because...I'm not really sure. I never really thought about it. I just have an innate affinity towards this certain story and the certain character. 

And of course I want to praise the author I love these 2 chapters so much. Well, actually I haven't read the whole story but these 2 chapters don't need you to understand the main story anyway. Because it's the story of a side character.

The first reason I like this story is because the couple is married!!! lol. Maybe it's because I don't like uncertainties. There are a lot of beautiful love stories that features our unmarried couples but I seriously can't relate to it. I just don't understand why do you have to devote so much of your heart to someone who's not your family. Maybe because I myself never had a boyfriend. But I used to have a crush and I did feel like the world was gonna crumble down on me if he rejected me (and he did reject me. indirectly. because I never confessed) but I always have these barrier. I even rank the people in my life according to their positions. For example if they're my family I have to prioritize them more than my friends yada yada. It makes decision making easier and you can think clearly on whose feelings you should disregard and whose feelings you should sacrifice yours for. 

Because, don't you think in this life, we are always going to hurt people? We just have to choose who is it that we're gonna hurt less because they don't give a frick about us in the first place. Or is my thinking wrong?

Okay, cue the second reason! It's because I like the male main character. I like how he's so naive and honest with his feelings and just wanted to make his wife happy. He is my ideal character. He is naive but he is not delusional. He knows what he's got to do to achieve his dreams and he did it so earnestly. And he is handsome yes of course. But actually, my definition of handsome is being healthy. So if you are healthy then you are handsome to me.

Next reason is the ending of course. It gives impact because it is a sad ending and a lot of emotions come with tears you know. It leaves you wanting more because you are so used to a happy ending. A sad ending doesn't feel like an ending.

And through this story I understood why couples go on dates lol. You want to have fun together in a new place so you can get out of the routine of daily life. Kinda like adding some spice to your boring life. But it's special because you're cooking with your significant other.

Though him wanting to go to that place is because he wanted his wife to have fun. He's probably grateful for his wife for staying with him through thick and thins and which is why the moment he saw the ad he immediately thought of bringing his wife there.

You see, even though I look careless in choosing who I like, I actually have a great intuition in choosing people. I don't need people to tell me that they are kind. I don't need them to say romantic words to know they love their partner. I just need to see their actions. Cliche, I know. But it is cliche because it happens in real life and it happens a lot.

I don't trust a person's words easily. I look at their actions. And maybe they will explain themselves later, and the one that I actually trust is why I think they do what they do and say what they say. I trust my experience. I trust my own feelings. What I feel myself. I use empathy to judge people. And until today, let me just say, I haven't made a wrong choice yet. Maybe it's cause I was never put in a place to judge people yet so I'm not really sure myself. But I trust my intuition.

And people aren't really that different from fictional characters. I hope. Cause if they are different then I will have to start life from zero again.

I'm not going to let my anxiety take over my body and let me lose my intuition. Frick off, anxiety.

 

A different view.

The first time I heard someone said that teachers who teach Pendidikan Khas as 'tak berkembang' or easily translated as having no future, I feel so bad. 

Then, why are they still doing it? They are teaching precious kids that are said to be gifts from God, so why do they have no future?

I understand that the person is saying it because that is what it looks like right now. Which is why I want to change it.

Upon discovering these new conditions called neurodivergence and neurotypical, I found out that not all humans are built the same. I mean, I knew that from the start but these discoveries made me understand it from a different view.

So, neurodivergents are the people with autism, ADHD and another condition I forgot. Okay, so these people have a slightly different brain structure from the neurotypicals in which they cannot do something they are not interested in. They can only focus on one thing that they are truly interested in. So, they really don't like being told what to do. These people only want to do what they want to. And, they are usually very good at the said things.

Being in a world that is dominated by neurotypicals, they are called lazy and a problem..because, they won't do as they are told. That is difficult in this world where the leaders only want to 'pecah dan perintah' right?

Because they are not in the same pace as their peers, they are being put in a special class to receive a special education which further obstructs their growth because instead of exploring their abilities, these special education acts more like a prison to these kids. As if the number one rule is "Don't go and disturb your normal friends. Just stay quiet here." I have never gone and visited a special school so I know nothing about them. I usually only watch from the outside. And that is because I'm categorized as the 'normal' one. We were never encouraged to mingle with each other even though our class are located in the same school compound. So, everything were left up to our imaginations and accompanying it are rumors saying that these kids are 'slow'.

Which is why the teachers are said to have no future. Because they are not there to teach. They are there to guard those kids. It's a daycare basically. 

And what I want to do is to change this. We need to study more about the different kind of brains people are born with and explore each of their potentials. So that we may have more useful people among us. I may sound like a crazed human resources official but please understand me. I just feel so close to them. Because I also might be a neurodivergent. A luckier one at that because I pass as a neurotypical. But for those who are not? For those who are only haunted by their own self criticisms? When will they grow? When will they surpass people's expectations?

I will do more study on this and one day, I hope I can change this situation.