Realization.

Just had a long talk with my parents and they reminded me of why I entered medical school. They reminded me of a discussion we had before I chose to apply for med school. 

They said it's okay if I don't become a doctor after going through medical school. That's not my main purpose. My main purpose is to achieve a sound state of mind. Because, as we know, being a doctor will force you to be in your best condition so you can make a good decision. To treat people, to prescribe medications. My parents wanted me to have that best condition. It's okay if I'm not a doctor. We don't live just to work.

So the realization that dawned upon me was, that I don't need to change to become the best. One dangerous mindset that I've adopted after entering medical school is, the need to become like others. Because I thought everyone else is better than me. When actually, we are all the same.

I cannot study like they do. I cannot stay seated at my desk for long hours, writing notes. It's impossible for me. Trust me, this whole year I tried. When I was 16, I tried. But it only ended with more stress and painful tears. It physically hurt me, to study something I have no interest in.

So what I'm going to do is develop more curiosity. And interest. And probably pettiness. hahahaha.

My study method is, studying about something I don't know. And something I want to know. And I cannot have a designated time to study. Because God knows I will ignore that schedule. 

I'm grateful for the lecturer that insulted and praised me. Maybe they didn't mean to insult/praise me but that's how I perceive it. But I'm grateful.

I had to suffer for one year just to understand that being myself is enough. I don't need to become like someone else. They're them and I am me. We are different.